A few weeks ago, a blog member wanted to say that, although she enjoyed my posts immensely, she had not forgotten the tremendous tragedy that had brought me to this point. I so appreciated that comment, because long gone are those earlier entries about grief and loss as we have moved into the uncharted territory of the nonphysical world and the human experience. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about my boy. In the morning when I open my eyes and in the night when I close them. I forger that it’s only been a little over three years.
I know those days are gone when I used to read him bedtime stories and tuck him in at night, fuss at him to do his homework or finish his chores or brush his cheek with a kiss and tell him to be careful as he leaves with his friends to go to a party. Yes, I know he’s alive in another dimension, and he’s happier than he’s ever been. Our relationship is as happy as it’s every been. But I share this for a reason that is not as selfish as at first it may seem, because I speak for everyone who’s lost a child—everyone who’s lost someone they love. It still hurts, because no matter how thin that gossamer veil is, it’s still too goddam thick. But take heart in knowing that at least we know they’re there. They’re alive. They’re happy. And we’ll be together, because we’re eternal beings. You can’t argue with forever, baby.
Thank you for remembering what got me here.
(Arggh. It won’t let me use Verdana or any other font. Just italics vs. plain font.)
On another subject, I’d like to announce a wonderful opportunity for those living in and around Texas. If not, I think the DVD of this documentary will be available soon:
It’s been a long time since we’ve visited those posts where Erik talked about his own death and death in general. In this three part post, you’ll notice how different Erik is now compared to how he was then.
Grasping for contact of any sort with a lost loved one is natural. Years before, I would have considered channeling through a medium a little wacky, great fodder for jokes, even. But when Erik died, things I once doubted became urgent lifelines for me to cling to in hope. However skeptical at first, when I spoke to Erik through world-renown psychic, Kim O’Neill, I felt it was truly he. His personality, his wit, his manner of speaking, it was all Erik. Furthermore, she conveyed details she could not possibly have known such as the fact that he suffered from bipolar disease since he was 10 or 11 or the fact that he killed himself while sitting in a chair at his desk in his bedroom.
One of the first assurances Erik expressed was that we, his parents, did everything we could to prevent it. He said he had contemplated suicide for many years, really and just wanted to make certain he did it in a way that would ensure his passing. In recent months, he even researched all sorts of suicide methods on the Internet. Although he thought about taking an overdose of pills, one of his biggest fears was that he would survive, but remain impaired for the rest of his life. In the end, Erik felt shooting himself in the head assured him the biggest guarantee for “success.” Next, he had to choose a moment when he felt sure we would not be in the house when the gun went off. That opportunity would occur on October 6 during the ill-fated attempt to treat my sister, Teri, my daughters, Annika and Michelle, and my grand baby, Arleen to lunch.
Naturally, I asked him the heart-wrenching “why” of it all, and here’s what he had to say: “First, guys, I want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself. Dad, you’re better about that than Mom, but Mom, do not blame yourself. It is because of you that I lived to be the age that I did. It had nothing to do with school; it had nothing to do with the family; it had nothing to do with my health; I got real depressed when I was about 10 or 11. That’s when the bipolar disorder started. It would haunt me, haunt me. And it was real unpredictable; it would come and go. The lows were so terrible that I knew I wasn’t going to live to an old age. I just needed to figure out how and when to do it without killing you both with grief.” I asked him if, once he decided to take his life, he was afraid of dying and he replied, “Oh no! I was afraid of living!”
I also asked him what death was like, and he replied with great exuberance, “Oh, Mom, it was great, it was awesome; aw, it was fantastic. When my soul popped out of the body, awww! I didn’t feel any pain. One second I was sitting in my chair, and the next second my soul was out of my body and I was like, ‘this is so fucking great!’ I felt no pain or discomfort. I could fly. I felt happy; I felt joyous; I felt warm; I felt secure. That happiness, that joy was overwhelming. And I was flying around and flying around, then I looked down at my body, and I’m like ‘Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit.’ I was surprised by all the blood! I was so surprised! I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was just thinking about relief. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was going to look like! I wasn’t thinking about the clean up.” Then laughing heartily to himself, Erik announced, “Cleanup on aisle six!” Kim was a little shocked by his irreverent humor, but I assured her that this was very typical of him. This was very “Erik.”
He goes on to say, “Right after my soul popped out of my body, I heard the gunshot, and at first, I was a little confused to see my own body sitting in the chair. I thought, ‘Wait, I’m here. Why is my body down there?’ But then I realized I was a soul. I was really worried about what would happen when you found me, Mom, so I went to Bestefar’s house in Norway right away. After a while of hanging with him, though, I started to feel real, real, real sorry for what you guys were gonna find. The person I was most worried about was Michelle, because of all the people in the family, she’s the most sensitive. She’s the most vulnerable to being fucked up by something like that.” With a chuckle he added, “But don’t tell her I said that. I don’t want her to be pissed off at me. Mom, I knew you were going to be crushed, but I thought you would be able to deal with it if you knew I was going to be so much happier in spirit and that I was going to be with you. I’m with you all the time, but I’m in spirit and I’m happy. So you have a son who is with you in spirit and I’m safe and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I figured you would be able to understand that and accept it. I’m still with you. I’m with you all the time.” (All of this repetition left me with the impression that Erik was nervous about my reaction. This is exactly how he would talk if he came home after curfew or brought home a bad grade.)
I will continue to share Erik’s description of his death and his first moments in the afterlife, but this has all exhausted me. I need to rest and lick my wounds.
I’d like to dive in to where I left off in the first channeling session with Erik. As he mentioned, after he saw his body and voiced dismay at the “mess” he created and his concerns about how we would react when we found him, he escaped to Norway to visit his grandfather, Bestefar. I’ll get into the abilities of a soul later, including how they travel and manifest whatever they wish.
Once he was in Norway, he says, “I felt this magnetic pulling sensation, pulling, pulling, pulling me almost like a vacuum. And all of a sudden there I am, there I am! I started looking around and saw that Allie was there! Denise was there! Denise was right there in front.” (As mentioned early, Allie was one of Erik’s former girlfriends killed by an accidental gunshot wound to the head back in March 2009, and Denise was his aunt (my sister) who committed suicide to end years of suffering from the complications of diabetes.) Erik approached Denise, who was standing in front of the others and asked, “‘Did I go to Hell?’ She responded with a big laugh and said, ‘Because you see me?’ Then they both laughed and Denise added, ‘Erik, you idiot!’ They hugged and everyone else came up to hug him and welcome him back to Heaven. Denise told Erik she already knew what he was going to do and asked him if he could just stay for at least fifteen minutes to visit with them before he go back to check in on us.
At this point, Kim says Erik’s case is a “huge anomaly,” because under ordinary circumstances (if the word “ordinary” can ever be appropriate in this subject matter!) committing suicide before it’s your time to go is a big no-no. Souls that end their lives always have to go through some form of therapy in isolation to help them understand why they did what they did, how they forestalled their chance to work on certain issues, etc. But Erik didn’t have to go through all of these steps, meaning he is probably a higher level soul. (More about soul hierarchy later.) Instead, Erik met and mingled with his soul group, stayed for a short period of time, and then returned to Earth where he’s living with our family now.)
In the channeling session, Erik continues, “I wanted you to know I was there. Those are the orbs you saw in the pictures you took. That’s me! At first, souls materialize as balls of light and then later we can materialize in a form you can see. And that was me visiting Pappa in the dream where we were standing next to the truck. It was also me in the dream Popi (his maternal grandfather) had of me in his lap. And Mom, that dream Kelley had, that was Allie sitting next to me!”
Kim adds that Erik is very well liked and is seen as extremely charismatic to others in Heaven. She also commented that Erik is going to be very tangible in dreams. She’s amazed how he already has so much control and power over his energy despite his recent arrival. She says, “This much electrical power is astonishing!”
Next, I asked Erik if he was more comfortable in the spiritual plane than the physical plane, and he answered, “Yes, it was like having pain all the time like with a migraine or an abscess. I found some peace in Norway, but all the peace I found was fleeting. That’s why I always jumped from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. That’s why I didn’t stick with anything long-term. The pleasure or enjoyment or stimulation it gave me was always so fleeting. I would start feeling pain again and then I’d jump to something else.”
Kim then started to get choked up and said, “I see Erik getting on his knees, his hands together as if pleading, and tears are streaming down his face. He’s begging you to forgive him for what he’s done.”
I plan to practice channeling Erik on my own. If this goes well, I will urge anyone who has lost a loved one to develop their own skill, too. Apparently, everyone has the ability to channel those on the other side, including their own guides. Maybe this will give hope to other parents who have suffered what I believe is the ultimate tragedy, losing a child. If I can establish a relationship with my son in the afterlife, so, too, can they.
I urge everyone to read about the scientific evidence for the existence of an afterlife, the survival of consciousness after death, the fact that we live many lives, and other matters I once considered the domain of quacks and charlatans. I recommend two books in particular. One is entitled “The Hidden Domain.” This deals with the quantum physics of the soul, consciousness, thought, and the “other side.” You have to digest each page slowly, because it’s pretty heavy stuff! The second book is entitled, “The Afterlife Experiments.” Here, you’ll read about experiments that are performed using strict scientific methods to establish the fact that consciousness, and therefore the soul, does survive after death and communication with departed souls is possible.
Through the medium, Kim O’Neill, Erik shared volumes of information about death, but I wanted to start by letting him know that, although I would like to channel him on my own, my grief makes it difficult to have the quiet mind necessary to hear him. Here’s his response:
“I’m just going to have to talk louder than your grief! Your grief is causing a lot of static. It’s like if we were at a water park, we’d have to talk louder to hear each other.”
‘Can you do that, Erik?’ I ask.
‘But how will I know it’s you and not a conversation I just make up in my mind?’
“Because you know me, Mom. You know the way I talk. You know my sense of humor. I’m gonna say, ‘Mom it’s me,’ and you’ll know it’s me. You’re going to be able to feel the difference between your grief, your head talk and me. And I’ll talk louder than your head talk so you’re probably gonna have to tell me to keep it down a notch CUZ I’M GOING TO BE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY! Here’s my plan for now. I’m going to be coming to you in dreams, lucid dreams. So I’m coming to you first. In the morning, you’re going to have total recall about what we talk about, usually. If you don’t, when you go to the computer and start typing. It’ll just come out.”
I ask, ‘How often can you come to me?’
“Any time I damn well please!” he says jokingly.
‘Well then, how often do you think that can be?’ I ask this because I want so desperately to have him with me all the time. It’s funny; when a person is around, you feel okay about seeing them only sporadically. It’s no big deal if they go away on a trip for a week or two and hang out with friends more than home, but when they die, they become the center of your every thought and emotion. You want them to be around you, communicating constantly.
Erik goes on to say, “Well, I’d like to come every night the day before you wanna write something the next day.”
That, of course, means I will be determined to write daily. Communicating in dreams, however, is one thing, but feeling their touch is another. So I ask, ‘How can I better feel your presence?’
Erik assures me by saying, “I’ve been working on building my ability to manipulate physical matter on the earthly plane. Every time we pass away and our soul goes to heaven, we’ve gotta work on our ability to expand our electrical energy so that, if we want to, we can move material objects; we can really make our presence known in the most tangible way possible—to materialize, to touch others, and to have them feel it. That’s what I’ve been working on. So, what I’m going to do is this: I’ll come up and hug you; I’ll touch your arm and you’ll know it’s me; I’ll come up and give you a kiss on the cheek, and I’m going to rub your hair. I’m going to put my hand on top of your head and rub your hair back and forth just like I used to do. Remember how it used to piss you off when I messed up your hair like that?” (He laughs really hard for several seconds. Of course, now, I’d give anything for him to have my hair in a rat’s nest all the time.) “And when you drive you’ll hear me saying ‘Mom, go faster’ or ‘it’s yellow, you can make it; you can make it; go through the light.’”
‘Yeah, I remember what a backseat driver you were, Erik!’ I respond with a chuckle.
He laughs and says, “Yeah, it was easier to be a backseat driver with you than with Pappa, huh? You took it better than he did! And Mom, this is what you’re going to write about in a book: How parents can rise above the grief to actually be able to feel and hear and be aware of their kid around them. You’re also going to be smelling me, Mom. It’ll be the smell like I’ve been working outside, kinda like a sweaty guy smell.” Ah, how well I remember that scent. It wasn’t objectionable to me a all; it was just a sign of how much he loved working outside on cars, bikes, and his welding.
Erik continues with, “Mom, you did everything you could. The problem was I didn’t listen to you. I thought all that stuff was a bunch of bullshit, but now I know! Oh my God, if only, if only, if only. I created something that was much more stressful than it was supposed to be. Even when I had the gun in my hand, it was like should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I? It happened so fast that my guardian angels couldn’t do anything to stop it. They tried to get other people to call or come over, but there wasn’t enough time.”
Just before his death, his older sister, Kristina, experienced something that gives Erik’s statement credence. She says, ”I had been reading about learning disabilities and suicidality in children/teens for my behavioral science course, and I of course was thinking about him the whole time that morning. I got a strong urge to pick up my cell phone and text him ‘I love you’ for no apparent reason at all. But it was in my purse in the other room and I didn’t go get it. I feel remorseful about that.”
On the day of his death, Erik’s younger sister, Annika, and his Aunt Teri recall passing by his room as they walked down the hall to go to the lunch we had planned. In fact, their encounters occurred within ten minutes of his death. They both claimed they saw him sitting at his desk, staring ahead solemnly. Oh, how they wished they had recognized his sadness and stopped to comfort him! In retrospect, these three incidents were most assuredly his guides’ attempts to muster our help and intervention.
Yet Erik reassures us as he continues, “I know you knew it was a possibility this would eventually happen, Mom, but there was nothing you could have done beside worry and do all the stuff you did to help me. Did you know a third of parents around the world have kids who are suicidal? I know that now. You need to let other parents know that too.”
‘Could you tell me more about what it’s like to die, Erik?’ I ask.
“I literally felt no pain. I felt no pain. Mom, it’s really important to put that down because a lot of kids die in accidents like car accidents or motorcycle wrecks. Some have been murdered; some have drowned. Even if a child has died of a heart attack or cancer, the parent is always going to worry about the pain and suffering they might have had during death. But tell everyone there is no pain. My soul popped out of the body at the moment of my death. I truly felt nothing. You know, Mom, I’m going to be totally honest with you about everything. I felt this shocking, this immediate sense of peacefulness, happiness, euphoria. It was stunning. I felt like I was floating, like I was levitating. After my soul popped out of the body, at that moment, I heard a shot. I can’t gauge the time.
“I was feeling this awesome euphoria and enjoying it and it then it was as if this invisible hand was telling me ‘look there, look down.’ So I looked down and I thought, ‘holy shit’ and I realized it was me. For a couple of seconds I wondered, ‘how can I be there and be here too?’ And then I realized, ‘Ooooh, it’s my soul! This is my soul! Then I came into this overwhelming knowing about who I really am, all of my past lives. At that moment I could understand what you were trying to help me heal from in those past lives. I got this immediate knowing and I was like, ‘Oh, oh, that’s what Mom was trying to help me with. Wow, she knew!’ I could see you for who you really are, I could see Pappa for who he really is, and Lukas, Kristina, Michelle and Annika, everybody, everybody—family, friends, everyone on the earthly plane. I could see them for who they really are. This knowing was rapturous. I know that’s a word I wouldn’t use on the earthly plane so I’ll say this so you’ll know it’s really me, ‘It was fucking rapturous!’ I all of a sudden had all this wisdom and I thought, ‘Aaawww, why didn’t I have all this when I was there?’ Then I realized I could have. I could have.
“Mom, that’s where you’re headed. You are going to feel this knowingness, this peace in this lifetime, and then you’re going to teach everybody else in the family. You’re going to feel neutral, objective about the choices other people make. It’s a lot easier being in spirit because you can see someone else’s destiny even when they make choices that change that destiny. Spirits can immediately be neutral and not judge themselves or others.”
“So of course I already told you what happened when I saw all the mess I made. I knew you were going to find me and that was not my goal. I didn’t think. Once I pulled the trigger I couldn’t change my mind. I felt this horrible sense of loss knowing what you guys were gonna feel and I had my own sense of loss, scared, real scared that you guys weren’t going to be able to pick up on me. I was real frightened about it. Then I had this tragic feeling of grief knowing you were gonna find it, Mom. I knew it. I felt this impossible to describe sense of remorse. Maybe it was even more grief than you feel, Mom, because I did it. I did it. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew I would have to have therapy because of it. So you know I went to Norway right away to see Bestefar (his grandfather), but my guide made me come back and watch when you found me. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, seeing you break down in my lap, sobbing. My guide made me look at what pain I caused for you. It was unbearable.” (Here, Kim, again describes him kneeling, hands together as if begging, tears streaming down his face asking for forgiveness.)
“Then I felt this pulling, this pulling like a gravitational pull and I heard this “zinnnggg” and all of a sudden I was standing there in front of a whole bunch of other spirits and I recognized them all! There were hundreds of them. I was like ‘Oh, there’s Aunt Sophie; there’s my brother from the Middle Ages,’ I could recognize everybody from all my past lives and my brother from this lifetime.” (I had lost a baby during my 24th week of pregnancy. It was a boy. We named him, Seth. It happened around 16 years ago, so Kim could not have known Erik had a brother on the other side.)
“There was this big table where everybody was going to sit down…like a family dinner. There was a lot of music, there was a lot of laughing. Oh, and, Mom, I asked four souls from your soul group who aren’t part of your life now if they could help you through all this. I want to do something to help the family. I want to be able to do something for you guys. If there is anything at all I can do to help anyone in the family, please let me know, and I’ll do everything I can. I want to feel like I’m still part of the family. Ask me to do stuff. I can’t exactly take out the garbage but… Spiritual being can move physical objects just as well as you guys.”
‘Okay,’ I joke, ‘I’ll get a chore list together for you!’
Erik laughs, then continues, “Mom, you’re going to notice things have been done, and you’ll ask other people ‘Did you do that?’ ‘Did you do this?’ and they’ll say ‘no’ and you’ll know it was me!” I found that so comforting. Proof of his presence is crucial. I don’t want to feel like I’ve really lost my little boy forever. That would be too much to bear.
“Okay, let’s get back to what happened next,” I prod. Erik was always easily distracted, just like his mom.
“Oh yeah, right, Well, I was at this big long table, and I felt dazed. I was still euphoric, but I was dazed. It’s like one minute I was in my physical body and the next minute I was a free spirit without physical limitations, and I kept asking, ‘I’m really a spirit, right? I mean, I don’t get to go back to that lifetime; I’ve let that lifetime go?’ Then I started “the review.” Nobody did the review but me. I was sitting at the table. Uh, I was sitting there and everyone was talking about how happy they were that I’m back. No matter how we pass, we’re always welcomed back with open arms. Everyone is always thrilled to see us again. Anyway, so I’m sitting at the table, and I’ve got my elbows on the table. I’ve got my head in my hands and I’m reviewing my life. I started sobbing when I remembered being a little boy and you calling me your ‘little man’ and doing things with me and telling me what a big man I’m gonna be. I’ve taken all of that away. Those were the worst moments of the review. I want to thank Pappa for treating me like an adult. Pappa, you treated me like an adult for as long as I can remember. Thanks, Pappa; that meant a lot to me.”
“So I finished my review and I considered what I could have done that I didn’t; what I did do that I shouldn’t have. I don’t know how long the review took. I didn’t mark time. No one here marks time. But it didn’t take long, because the candles were still burning on my cake, my “welcome home” cake. Then I felt this heaviness, this real emotional heaviness. I was approached by this female soul who offered to counsel me; she offered me therapy. So I’ve been going to therapy. She’s not only helping me understand why I did it, why I took my life, but how I can go back to the earthly plane with this heaviness added to the healing I was supposed to do this lifetime without doing the same thing again. Wow, Mom, if I could have seen what I was healing from (in past lives,) no wonder I was so fucking depressed and angry. No wonder, Mom!”
“I want you to let other people know that we have lots of company here. A lot of parents who have lost kids worry that their kid is all alone, but it’s not that way. We imagine what we want to eat, and it’s right there. We live where we want; we live how we want; we don’t feel hot or cold. Thought creates reality much faster here. It happens in an instant.”
I only booked an hour with Kim, so, sadly, it was time to wrap things up. I ask him, ‘Okay, I’m running out of time, but do you have anything else you want to say about what it’s like to die?’
“Shit yeah, tons but don’t worry, I’ve written it all down. We can cover it later.”
Erik writing things down? Could it be? That might just be the biggest transformation of all! I can hear him laughing in agreement.
In this video, Erik shows his beautiful sensitive side I adore so much. Ironically, he talks about teaching his niece, Arleen, how to shoot and at the end of the video, I’m wearing the same shirt I wore when I found Erik dead. Now, it’s in the bottom drawer in my closet covered with blood. I don’t know why I can’t throw it away. I guess it’s the only physical thing I have left of him.
Me: Here’s one from a blog member. “I would like to ask Erik what we can do to help our loved ones come through to us. I’ve read that when we’re depressed, it blocks the connection, but it’s such a brick wall! How do you drop the grief to get the message? I know my loved ones are safe and in a wonderful place, but their physical absence hurts. I know we all here know this anyway, but how about a few 101 lessons on helping us dudes on this plane lift the veil to hear them.” You know, to get past that grief that makes it so difficult to, uh, our vibrations are so much lower, in other words, than y’all’s so it’s hard for y’all to meet us halfway.
Erik: Yeah. First of all, I’d say stop judging yourself that the way that you’re grieving is wrong or that you need to be doing something better. If you take off that burden or that weight that maybe you’re not doing it right or you’re doing it too much or that your friends don’t want to hear you bitch and complain about the sadness of the loss again and again and again. You know, if you just stop doing that shit—that judging crap—than you’ll find out that when you go to grieve it feels really good to do it. And then pretty soon it’ll just kind of lighten and lighten and lighten up. But—
Jamie: He puts his head in his hand. Like on his forehead. He throws his head down. Oh, I say, ‘Is your brain hurting because you’re thinking so much?’
We both giggle.
Jamie: And he says, “No, I was just trying to find that really clear definition of if you’re fully depressed, then you need chemical help or you need physician or therapy help. Like you can’t just grieve on like you are.
Me: Yeah. Yeah.
Erik: Like if you’re doing this shit for more than six months and you’re not getting enough relief, then you need to march your ass where you’re going to see a doctor or someone to help you set up a plan to feel better. But if you find out what you’re doing by the step of removing the judgment and how should I grieve—what’s right, what’s wrong, and you just start grieving the way you need to, just be honest with how you feel—
Me: Mm hm.
Erik: —and you find relief in that, and it gets better and better, and you find some smiles start sneaking in, then you’re on the right path. Keep doing it. Some people, man they make—
Jamie (to Erik, laughing): Great visual.
Jamie (to me): The visual is they put a garden in their front yard, and all of a sudden this person’s garden has flowers in six weeks. The whole thing. Where the other person’s doesn’t get flowers until a year later.
Me (with solemn realization that that person is me): Yeah.
Erik: Timing is unimportant. As long as you are seeing a success in having joy come into your life, that’s the goal. The more joy you get, the easier it is to become a reciprocal—
Jamie (giggling): Recipient! I knew I had it wrong! Sound it out, Jamie! I think I took giggle pills today.
Me: I think we all did!
Jamie: Phew. Okay, going back. C’mon. You lost me, Erik. Go back.
Erik: If more smiles are coming in, then it’s going to be easier for them to feel their loved one around in a positive way rather than it triggering, “Oh, I have that loss to deal with all over again.” It’s going to trigger, “Oh, look, now I have this way to figure out how this new relationship’s gonna work.”
Me: So are you saying, uh, would just simply smiling when you feel grief be one of the simple things we can do to help raise our vibration for example?
Erik: Yeah. Well, yeah, you can fake the smile.
Me: Yeah. Fake it till you make it.
Erik: Yeah. You could, uh, right then and there, be really honest with how you feel, even if it’s a bunch of horrible words. Embrace ‘em. Love ‘em. Tell yourself you’re doing the right thing for you.
Erik: And once you start doing that, you’ll actually start to feel better, because the body’s like, “Why am I crying? Nobody’s there holding my hand. Am I just crying to listen to myself? Then you’ll have this internal dialogue with your ego, and we all love doing that, right? So much fun!
I can detect a tiny note of sarcasm here.
Erik: That’s probably when you need to go get high.
Jamie and I laugh.
Me: Nice segue.
Erik: You’re welcome. But then you recognize that often grief is there because your ego is hurting, and you’re actually really okay with the person’s death. It’s just that your ego is screaming so hard that you’ve been wronged or that you’re not being acknowledged as a victim or that you’re not getting the energy that you need. Then you need to ask why are you such a pussy that you can’t stand up and ask from your friends and family about the way you need to be treated.
Erik: You know?
Erik: Cuz some people will just stay in that victim pattern, “Poor me; poor me. I lost my husband. I lost this, and now my whole life is changed.” Well that’s fine if you’re figuring it out and shit, but if you’re getting six months past, you know or a year into it or four or five or six years, why is it that that type of energy is working for you? You need to know why? You need to ask yourself, because that’s the only one who’s going to give you the answer.
Me: Mm hm. That’s true.
Erik: And then, I always say, if you don’t like something, change it. You know, change isn’t always that easy. Maybe you start crying again, and you realize you don’t like crying anymore.
Erik: It’s not fitting you. It’s not suiting you. It’s not getting the release out, and so you tell yourself to stop crying, and you start coming out of it, but then later in the day you do it again or three days later it happens again. And that change just takes a little discipline. But you do it only when it stops giving you the relief you need. And you gotta find that supplement. Maybe you don’t like that crying anymore and maybe you found a lot more release and a lot more satisfaction in writing. So, when you start to cry, grab your pen and paper. What you’ll recognize is that the crying will go away and you’ll start journaling and getting that energy.
Yesterday was an exciting day at the Medhus household. My sister, Laura, was all alone in my house watching television when she heard someone jiggling a key to open the front door. She figured it was just one of my kids coming in to do their wash. Then she heard footsteps, but not the usual, “Hello, Aunt Laura.” She peered around the stairway to see the door wide open, none of my kids in sight. Of course, she ran outside and called her husband. When I arrived moments later, I called the police. They said the neighborhood had been plagued with burglaries of this nature recently, especially when no cars are seen in the garage or driveway, true in our case. They searched every room and outside, then told us it appeared only one room upstairs had been burglarized. It looked like a girl’s room. I reassured them that the bedroom belonged to my teenaged daughter and that she usually had clothes strewn all over the floor, so yes, if a room that appeared to be carpet-bombed was the same as one that had been burglarized, I was not surprised by their conclusion. It usually looks like Victoria secret vomited all over her room.
I spoke to Erik that day and he said that it was one man on foot. He fled because he wasn’t expecting a person to be inside the house and intended to go inside, take a few things, then leave. Apparently he used a $2.00 “bump key”. You can order these online, and it’ll get you into any house unless you have a high security lock. Needless to say, we changed our lock to one of those.
Okay, enough of that. Let’s see what Erik has to say about palatal delights in the ethers.
Me: Someone asks this question, “What is Erik saying about food in Heaven and food in the physical plane? Is food in Heaven bland? I thought if colors in Heaven are more vibrant there that the food would be tastier.”
Erik: Now, c’mon. The taste is way more incredible in Heaven, but it’s not as if we’re fixing a plate of food, and we’re cutting it up, and we’re putting it in our mouths. It’s just not the way it goes. We don’t really need meals.
Erik: So, if you want a reminiscence—
Jamie stumbles horribly over the word, so Erik teases her.
Jamie (to Erik): Just shut up.
Me: I don’t know how to say these things half the time either.
Jamie (in a sulky tone): He’s teasing me!
Erik: If you want a reminiscence of the food you had on Earth, you can create that if you’d like: macaroni and cheese, pizza, and it taste like you recall it, but we do have tastes here that are not associated with the tastes on Earth. There’s more of an electric taste.
Erik: Like, um, not really a metallic, but an electric taste, and—
Me: What do you mean?
Me (giggling): Like sticking your tongue in an electric socket or what? That doesn’t sound very tasty at all!
Erik (laughing): Yeah, the human body won’t handle that very well. No, when the flavor comes into the body, because most of what spirits do is they digest the energy that’s around them. It’s not about sitting down and eating and nurturing the body, because we don’t have a physical body. We have a spiritual one—and energetic body. We use and consume energy, and it can be done in different ways. It can be emotional energy, environmental energy, or, you know, you can pretend you’re living on Earth again and pretend to eat food to have energy.
Me: Okay. How interesting.
Erik: But the way the energy moves through the body is much like how electricity does. It has a conduit. Let’s pretend like if it touches your tongue you can feel it in your toes. The energy moves through your body, and you can feel it almost like an electrical current. It has different sensation to it.
Me: Okay. Now, this blog member goes on to ask another question. This may be early on when you didn’t know how to create tastes and sensations and textures in your mouth right after your transition, Erik. Are you saying you miss having a full gut or stomach, because the sensation of, well, almost pain from a full gut can’t be experienced there? He or she says, “I’m confused. I only ask, because I love food, especially a double-double animal style burger from In and Out!”
Jamie belly laughs.
Me: But Erik, you can create that sensation of a full stomach, right? You can create any sensation you want, even belly pain.
Erik: Hell, yeah.
Me: So, there are tastes there in Heaven just like there’s colors in Heaven that do not exist here on Earth.
Me: Okay. I’d hate to think that the food in Heaven is not as tasty as it is here! That’s what I told the blog member. I said you can create any taste you want. And with that you can add the texture, the smell, the visual, the associated emotions and memories, and you can feel it throughout your entire energetic body.
Erik: Yay, Mom. You remember me telling you that before!
Me: Oh, really? We’ve already talked about what I just said?
Erik: That taste here has many layers. Yep. And the spirit in your energy field can experience it, too. Any spirit right next to you, I mean.
Me: Without those pesky calories.
I have a quick question: Do any of you know of a good past life regressionist somewhere in or near Houston? It can be anywhere in Texas if need be.
Before we close, I’d like to share this Abraham/Hicks YouTube entitled “From Grief to Joy.” If you still mourn the loss of a loved one, it’s worth watching. I did and ordered the DVD on Amazon afterwards.This is just an excerpt.
Note: In this session, Erik needed the help of my guardian angel, Veronica.
Me: Alright, I’d like to get a little clarification on the concept of evil and demonic spirits. I’ve had some tell me there is no evil, that all is Love and all is good. So, are we dealing with semantics here? Are there evil or demonic spirits, and can they harm us?
Veronica: So just as there is light and dark, there is good and evil. This is a battle that’s been going on from the beginning. They CAN harm if one allows them in, and they have already caused harm to the earth and people.
Erik: Where do you think serial killers and other beings that do horrible things throughout history—
Me: Is it some fabrication? I mean, I thought that God is really All There Is and that the Light is all there is. Of course we need the duality, so are evil and fear-based elements sort of fabricated as a tool so that, through contrast, we can become aware of who we are and so that God can experience Herself or Himself?
Veronica: It’s hard to explain. It’s one of those things you find out when you come over here to the other side. Now, Erik’s going to speak.
Erik: From my perspective, Mom, you know that I used to watch what went on in the world and around me. My way of thinking wasn’t like everyone else’s. So I saw a lot of contradictions. A lot of them.
Me: Yes, I know. You said the same thing through Kim and Jamie.
Erik: I saw a lot of sadness, but joy too. I saw kindness and cruelty. I just couldn’t live with all that bullshit. People would be nice one day then mean the next. They’d be pleasant to my face but say such shit behind my back. I felt off-balance all the time.
Me: I know, Baby. I know.
Erik: Not from you, but—
Me: No, I know. I totally understand, Sweetie. You were so kind to everyone and it was hard for you to grasp why people could be so cruel in return. I definitely saw that conflict within you.
Veronica: Back to what you said, you’re right. You’re right in that part of it was for us to come willingly to seek out love and kindness and joy.
Me: Yeah, but you can’t see it if it’s right in front of you without contrast. I guess we have to slog through the dark forest to get to the sunlit meadow.
Erik: And to answer your original question, Mom, everything is just a gradation of good or of Light. What you call evil or demonic is just at the lower end of the spectrum.
Me: That confirms what you said through Jamie.
Erik: Yeah, I know, but I’m still learning about all this. It’s pretty deep shit.
Erik and I laugh.
Me: Are there such things as shadows—dark energies that follow someone and prevent them from succeeding?
Me: Really? Why?
Erik: I like to call them attachments. They’re ghosts, which are spirits who haven’t crossed over into other dimensions. They remain on the earthly dimensions.
Jamie listens to Erik, and then laughs.
Jamie (to Erik): I don’t know if we can use that one.
Erik: Let’s take a fatty.
Jamie (to Erik): Use a different example.
Erik: Okay, let’s use an alcoholic. If it’s a ghost was an alcoholic while they were living and you went to a bar and you’re a good drinker, they can attach to you and enjoy that sensation. Now let’s say you’re done with being an alcoholic, but the attached entity is not. They are feeding you energy that supports you being a drunk.
Me (sarcastically): Oh, great!
Erik: You are fighting to be sober, but it’s not working. You’re in conflict.
Me: How do you get rid of them?
Erik: It’s really important that you learn how to know—is it your issue, or is it a bigger issue than yourself? Is it an attached entity?
Me: How can you find out, and how can you get rid of them if that’s the issue?
Erik: Well, if you’re not spiritually inclined yourself, then you need to go to someone who knows.
Jamie: I just wouldn’t go somewhere where you have to pay an arm and a leg and the person says, “Oh, you have to come back three times.”
Erik: Yeah, people get wrapped up in the voodoo galore crap. You got someone attached to you? All right, tell them to leave! You set boundaries. You wash yourself; you cleanse yourself; you change your line of thinking so you don’t give your power to what you considered the little voice inside your head as being enlightened, because it’s an attached entity. What? Are you asking this for the first time?
When he talks about washing and cleansing yourself, I’m sure he must be talking about energy rather than the physical body.
Me: I know. My bad.
Erik: I love you.
Me: I love you, too, you little rapscallion!
Just a reminder: This coming Thursday, Jamie and Erik are hosting the next channeling conference call for grieving parents. Jamie can only accommodate six, so sign up soon if you’d like to communicate with your beloved son or daughter. From my own personal experience, I can’t express enough how healing this can be. If you want to register for the call, click on the link below:
Me: If there’s no linear time in the afterlife, why would a spirit need to wait until a person who’s still living passes over in order to heal? Erik, you broached this question before. Theoretically, their spirits are also in the afterlife due to the simultaneous existence of past, present and future. The blog member who posed that question asks, “Do I have that wrong?”
Erik: No, that’s absolutely correct!
Jamie: He yelled.
Jamie (to Erik): Use other words, Erik.
Me: Ah oh.
Jamie: He’s not going to change it.
Erik: But because of the dumbness of being human, we cannot wrap our heads around these concepts. It’s easier to teach to the limitations so that it’s understood by the masses, and then when you get a little deeper like our wonderful friend here, then you comprehend that we divide our souls be it only live a human life. We feel we are an individual connected to the whole, but we can only have concept that we exist in one place at one time. This is how we’re trained. It’s the beauty of being human, because we do feel a bit of that individual touch, that separation from the whole level of emotions. But it’s so hard for us to identify that. If time is truly stacked, we’re here, we’re in Home, Heaven and also in all these other lives at one time, then we’re never truly away from anyone we’re interacting with. This just leads back to the topic—
Jamie (giggling): You’re so condescending right now with your tone of voice.
Me: Oh, no!
Jamie: Like you need a pipe and a big Magnum P.I. moustache right now!
I giggle, too.
Erik: Ahem. So, this leads back to the concept that we’re all part of a whole. We’re part of a whole. We’re never away. So, you don’t really have to “wait” because you’re already connected, but we use these terms so that the masses—when they read it—can understand. And a lot of times, through grief and lower emotions like anger and jealousy and sadness, separation, abandonment and all these things that we’re trying to heal through. If I were to try to deliver the message and say, “Yeah, well, your son, he’s not waiting for you. He’s going to go ahead and do the things that he needed to do. Um, you know, he’s already back in the mix of life.” It panics a person who’s going through a grief stage or an abandonment or separation stage. They need to know that there is some sense of order so that they can organize their emotions and reach a healing. And that’s why we use these words that screw up the definition of Time.
Jamie: That’s awesome, Erik!
Me: Yes, I like that!
Jamie: I like the idea that people do need a sense of order so that they can feel grounded and stable to kinda reach that goal or that place of healing.
Jamie: That’s true. I’ve never sat and looked at it like that.
Me: The fact that there’s linear time here and no time there just makes it so difficult for humans, especially me, to wrap their brains around some of these questions, you know?
Erik: It does get in the way. What the hell.
Me: Yeah, so a spirit really doesn’t need to wait until a person who’s still living passes over in order to heal.
Me: Okay. So, why did you say that before, then?
Erik: Because it’s what everybody understands, Mom!
Me: So, it’s what they need to hear? So, you lied so that they’d feel better?
Erik: Whatever! It’s not a fucking lie! You’re horrible!
I let out a big guffaw in agreement. All part of a mother’s job.
Me: Well, it’s true.
Erik: But, it’s not a lie.
Me: You placated them!
Erik: Yeah, so that they could understand. That’s like, you know, a child asking you, uh (muttering)—
Me: Get yourself out of this one, Erik!
Jamie: Yeah, yeah. I’m looking at him like, ‘Bring it on, Erik! What’s happening?’
Erik: That’s like a child asking why there are clouds in the sky, why the Earth turns, why is there day. You can give him the simple answer or you can just lay it out in quantum physics and scientific terms. The child’s not gonna comprehend it.
Erik: So, the conversation would be wasted. Sometimes you just have to say it real plain and simple. They get that concept, and then when their mind opens up more, and they learn a little more, then you re-explain it in deeper terms,
Me: Okay. I get it.
Erik: You know, you spoon-feed. Spoon-feed people through their spiritual evolution.
Most of are still reeling in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy. I can only speak for myself, but for me it triggers all the horrors of that day when Erik pulled the trigger and put a bullet through his brain. I feel paralyzed, lost, pummeled by another tsunami of grief mourning a lost future of hugs, kisses and the promise of marriage, grandkids, and yes, a middle aged spread. To top that, I mourn for the children, the parents, the families, the schools, the community, the nation, and the world. I’m tired of feeling sad. I really am.
I think back on how we rallied together after the 911 tragedy and how quickly we forgot. Now, once again, we rant and rave when people cut us off in traffic; we avoid eye contact as we pass the bell ringers for the Salvation Army, and we ration our smiles and hugs. When will we ever learn to love on a permanent basis? When? After all, it feels so good.
The other day, blog member and medium, Robert, had a visit from one of the children who lost their lives in Sandy Hook. He asked, “Where am I?” Robert replied, “Oh Sweetie, don’t you know?” The little boy said, “No. Where’s my mommy?” Then at that moment, Erik took the boy aside and appeared to talk to him, perhaps to tell him where he was, and tell him that he would be all right. Robert asked Erik why relatives and friends had not greeted him at his transition, and Erik answered, “That’s another story.” After pressing for clarification, Erik told him that the little boy had been taught not to trust strangers, and he didn’t recognize anyone who met him on the other side. For some reason, he did feel comfortable speaking with Robert, perhaps because of Erik’s encouragement. In the end, Erik swept the little boy away, probably to be with his little playmates and relatives. I’m so glad Erik is there to help.
I plan on asking Erik more about the tragedy and the welfare of the children during my session with Jamie on Wednesday. Let me know if you have specific questions. Answers can provide comfort.
As the holidays approach, some of us long for a break. A break from the grief of losing someone we love. A break from being mired in daily struggle. A break from being human. This is the first time Erik spoke to me without the need of a question prompt. He spoke with solemn passion. How timely.
Erik: You know, Mom, before you ask me a question, I want to talk to you about people who want to take their own life. In some cases, the stress, the grief, whatever builds up, it’s like a volcano. Only so much can build before it has to release. The lesson in each case is that there is perfection in imperfection.
Me: Mm hm.
Jamie: He’s pausing. Erik, I can see that.
Me: What? Is he picking his nose?
Jamie (sounding touched): No. His eyes are tearing up.
Me: Oh, Sweetie. It’s okay.
Jamie: He’s just kind of readjusting his gestures and how he’s sitting so that he’s really not squared off with me; we’re not looking at each other face to face.
Jamie (to Erik): But, you know, I can see that you’re adjusting. I can see. I can see.
Erik: Well, it’s hard …
Jamie (to Erik, in a warm, motherly tone): Take a deep breath. You don’t always have to be the fast talker.
Me: Yeah, Sweetie. Take your time.
Jamie (with a soft chuckle): I don’t mind a pause.
Erik: It just throws me right back into my human state of mind—right back into my body—and I haven’t shaken hands with those demons in a long time.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Erik: And I’m happy not to shake hands with them anymore, but when you’re human, you think you have the power to override them—the internal thoughts, those crazy horses in your head that just run with ideas and thoughts that actually hold no truth. But because the thoughts are so heavy, they feel incredibly real, and we start to validate them as real and they’re not. It’s within this slice of anxiety, madness, grief, this really imbalanced state of mind and heart—that’s the imperfection that makes us perfect.
Me: Not sure if I understand, but…
Erik: In so many people who want to take their life, it’s just about getting out of the body, not an act or a willingness to die. It might be nice, ya know? First hand, I kinda know that experience.
Me (solemnly): Yeah.
Erik: A lot of times those people might be worried that they couldn’t do everything they wanted or needed to do, desired to. But then right before, they get this peace and calm, knowing that everything is going to be all right. All of a sudden, they know it’s all going to be okay. Really at that moment, they already left the body.
Erik: A lot of people I see that are headed toward the answers, committing suicide, attempting suicide, ending their life, they just need out of their body just for a certain moment. A lot of times they do that before they get a chance to follow through, and then they back down.
Me: They just need a rest. A rest from being human.
Erik: Yeah. And when people struggle to that point, like I said, many times it’s about the perfection of imperfection.
Me: What do you mean by that? I just don’t understand.
Erik: Our perfectness is composed of a huge percentage of things that just aren’t’ right.
Jamie (giggling): He kind of puts that in air quotes.
Erik: I know there’s no right or wrong—there just “is”, but as humans, the brain has a hell of a hard time relaxing in that state of mind. It’s almost like we enjoy struggle more than we enjoy peace. And all of humanity has to learn this lesson for us to achieve it—to make it a natural state of being. Peace. That’s what our generations to come might experience, but for now, we’re still in a natural state of being in struggle. Our natural state of being as a human is based on being in a constant struggle. Even when you’re calm, you’re thinking, “How long is this going to last?” “When I get out of this, then I have to face that shit, and then I have to manage that crap over there.” You know, it’s still all fucked up, but you’re going to have these pockets of peace. We’re getting through all of this as humanity. Everyone has to learn to turn the dial on the emotional, mental, spiritual level from chaos and struggle to peace and calm. Until we do that, you know, we’re all attached to each other—we’re all antennas. And we can get those incredibly enlightened people, loving people, people who are aware, and their antenna inside their body just starts to pick up all the struggle and the chaos. And they don’t want it. Just like you, Mom. And some of those people just want a break from being human. But this whole media, vulnerability, kind of openness that you and I have gone through—it was done in a way to save other people but not you. And I know you’ll come soon enough and see how you can save yourself. And how you do that will not stop the openness, the storytelling, because we—
Jamie (to Erik): Who’s we? (To me) You and him.
Erik: We cannot even count how many people we’ve touched nor how many people that we have taught. So, now that they’re more knowledgeable and can heal through their grief and not leave this world as it’s changing—that absolutely is extremely valuable and extremely important, but never, ever more important than you. I hope knowing that helps.
Elisa is in the hospital. Please have her in your thoughts and prayers. Please understand that we will not be posting until further notice. Thank you.
(Kristina; I apologize for chiming in on your post[Erik said it was OK]this is the substitute teacher)
Elisa feels enormous gratitude for what this website has become, because of ALL OF US, its readers. I do not have to ask her reaction to being kept away. (I can ask others!)
Should the substitute teacher stand in for a few more classes until Elisa returns? Please respond, in the negative and positive both, and if so inclined, with your advice, criticism and suggestions.
The style and tone of weekend posts is “different”, the appeal isn’t and can’t be the same. Of course there is polite, often silent disagreement. Please speak up!
The substitute teacher is unable to express proper appreciation for Elisa’s brave, COURAGEOUS decision to allow an unproven, untested substitute come tend to her magnificent garden. Shall the substitute water a few more flowers, trim hedges, plant a few weeds and keep the brewery producing?
Here I sit in a Kroger parking lot typing this on my phone hoping my CE peeps can help me. Erik put a bullet through his brain at 1:20 P.M. almost three years ago on October 6th. Around that time, I can’t be in my house, because I imagine him sitting in that chair with that 45 caliber Rossi pointed at his right temple feeling such a sense of hopelessness then pulling that trigger. I remember that call from Maria, her scream when she opened his door, the frantic drive home. I recall so vividly racing for the front door only to find it locked. Banging and screaming over and over until Maria finally opened it, climbing up those stairs with a mix of fear and determination. Finding him. Oh god, finding him. Burying my head in his lap not daring to look up again at his head. I could hardly recognize him as my son. Then I put my head against his chest and heard nothing. Just a horrible silence that could only mean indisputable finality. I remember the detective guiding me downstairs with such compassion. The crime scene tape. The officers with blue gloves and cameras. The crime scene clean up crew. The sound of them ripping up his carpet. Watching them take his bloody chair downstairs for disposal. Calls for cornea donation. I remember too much. So, please help me. How do can I stand to be in that house this time of day? As I sob in my car here in this parking lot, people are beginning to stare.
On October 6, 2009, my 20-year-old son Erik, took his own life. Since that sad and tragic day, an overwhelming sense of grief and despair propelled me into a search for answers. Answers that would provide me and others with comfort and hope. Some of those answers came from the many books I bought, but many came from an unexpected source…Erik, himself. read the story »
Then, I suggest you start with the very first post. In doing so you can follow my journey just as I did, through the inexplicable, inconceivable, and yet utterly undeniable surprises that I have encountered since my son''s death.