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It’s been a long time since we’ve visited those posts where Erik talked about his own death and death in general. In this three part post, you’ll notice how different Erik is now compared to how he was then.
Grasping for contact of any sort with a lost loved one is natural. Years before, I would have considered channeling through a medium a little wacky, great fodder for jokes, even. But when Erik died, things I once doubted became urgent lifelines for me to cling to in hope. However skeptical at first, when I spoke to Erik through world-renown psychic, Kim O’Neill, I felt it was truly he. His personality, his wit, his manner of speaking, it was all Erik. Furthermore, she conveyed details she could not possibly have known such as the fact that he suffered from bipolar disease since he was 10 or 11 or the fact that he killed himself while sitting in a chair at his desk in his bedroom.
One of the first assurances Erik expressed was that we, his parents, did everything we could to prevent it. He said he had contemplated suicide for many years, really and just wanted to make certain he did it in a way that would ensure his passing. In recent months, he even researched all sorts of suicide methods on the Internet. Although he thought about taking an overdose of pills, one of his biggest fears was that he would survive, but remain impaired for the rest of his life. In the end, Erik felt shooting himself in the head assured him the biggest guarantee for “success.” Next, he had to choose a moment when he felt sure we would not be in the house when the gun went off. That opportunity would occur on October 6 during the ill-fated attempt to treat my sister, Teri, my daughters, Annika and Michelle, and my grand baby, Arleen to lunch.
Naturally, I asked him the heart-wrenching “why” of it all, and here’s what he had to say: “First, guys, I want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself. Dad, you’re better about that than Mom, but Mom, do not blame yourself. It is because of you that I lived to be the age that I did. It had nothing to do with school; it had nothing to do with the family; it had nothing to do with my health; I got real depressed when I was about 10 or 11. That’s when the bipolar disorder started. It would haunt me, haunt me. And it was real unpredictable; it would come and go. The lows were so terrible that I knew I wasn’t going to live to an old age. I just needed to figure out how and when to do it without killing you both with grief.” I asked him if, once he decided to take his life, he was afraid of dying and he replied, “Oh no! I was afraid of living!”
I also asked him what death was like, and he replied with great exuberance, “Oh, Mom, it was great, it was awesome; aw, it was fantastic. When my soul popped out of the body, awww! I didn’t feel any pain. One second I was sitting in my chair, and the next second my soul was out of my body and I was like, ‘this is so fucking great!’ I felt no pain or discomfort. I could fly. I felt happy; I felt joyous; I felt warm; I felt secure. That happiness, that joy was overwhelming. And I was flying around and flying around, then I looked down at my body, and I’m like ‘Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit.’ I was surprised by all the blood! I was so surprised! I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was just thinking about relief. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was going to look like! I wasn’t thinking about the clean up.” Then laughing heartily to himself, Erik announced, “Cleanup on aisle six!” Kim was a little shocked by his irreverent humor, but I assured her that this was very typical of him. This was very “Erik.”
He goes on to say, “Right after my soul popped out of my body, I heard the gunshot, and at first, I was a little confused to see my own body sitting in the chair. I thought, ‘Wait, I’m here. Why is my body down there?’ But then I realized I was a soul. I was really worried about what would happen when you found me, Mom, so I went to Bestefar’s house in Norway right away. After a while of hanging with him, though, I started to feel real, real, real sorry for what you guys were gonna find. The person I was most worried about was Michelle, because of all the people in the family, she’s the most sensitive. She’s the most vulnerable to being fucked up by something like that.” With a chuckle he added, “But don’t tell her I said that. I don’t want her to be pissed off at me. Mom, I knew you were going to be crushed, but I thought you would be able to deal with it if you knew I was going to be so much happier in spirit and that I was going to be with you. I’m with you all the time, but I’m in spirit and I’m happy. So you have a son who is with you in spirit and I’m safe and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I figured you would be able to understand that and accept it. I’m still with you. I’m with you all the time.” (All of this repetition left me with the impression that Erik was nervous about my reaction. This is exactly how he would talk if he came home after curfew or brought home a bad grade.)
I will continue to share Erik’s description of his death and his first moments in the afterlife, but this has all exhausted me. I need to rest and lick my wounds.
I’d like to dive in to where I left off in the first channeling session with Erik. As he mentioned, after he saw his body and voiced dismay at the “mess” he created and his concerns about how we would react when we found him, he escaped to Norway to visit his grandfather, Bestefar. I’ll get into the abilities of a soul later, including how they travel and manifest whatever they wish.
Once he was in Norway, he says, “I felt this magnetic pulling sensation, pulling, pulling, pulling me almost like a vacuum. And all of a sudden there I am, there I am! I started looking around and saw that Allie was there! Denise was there! Denise was right there in front.” (As mentioned early, Allie was one of Erik’s former girlfriends killed by an accidental gunshot wound to the head back in March 2009, and Denise was his aunt (my sister) who committed suicide to end years of suffering from the complications of diabetes.) Erik approached Denise, who was standing in front of the others and asked, “‘Did I go to Hell?’ She responded with a big laugh and said, ‘Because you see me?’ Then they both laughed and Denise added, ‘Erik, you idiot!’ They hugged and everyone else came up to hug him and welcome him back to Heaven. Denise told Erik she already knew what he was going to do and asked him if he could just stay for at least fifteen minutes to visit with them before he go back to check in on us.
At this point, Kim says Erik’s case is a “huge anomaly,” because under ordinary circumstances (if the word “ordinary” can ever be appropriate in this subject matter!) committing suicide before it’s your time to go is a big no-no. Souls that end their lives always have to go through some form of therapy in isolation to help them understand why they did what they did, how they forestalled their chance to work on certain issues, etc. But Erik didn’t have to go through all of these steps, meaning he is probably a higher level soul. (More about soul hierarchy later.) Instead, Erik met and mingled with his soul group, stayed for a short period of time, and then returned to Earth where he’s living with our family now.)
In the channeling session, Erik continues, “I wanted you to know I was there. Those are the orbs you saw in the pictures you took. That’s me! At first, souls materialize as balls of light and then later we can materialize in a form you can see. And that was me visiting Pappa in the dream where we were standing next to the truck. It was also me in the dream Popi (his maternal grandfather) had of me in his lap. And Mom, that dream Kelley had, that was Allie sitting next to me!”
Kim adds that Erik is very well liked and is seen as extremely charismatic to others in Heaven. She also commented that Erik is going to be very tangible in dreams. She’s amazed how he already has so much control and power over his energy despite his recent arrival. She says, “This much electrical power is astonishing!”
Next, I asked Erik if he was more comfortable in the spiritual plane than the physical plane, and he answered, “Yes, it was like having pain all the time like with a migraine or an abscess. I found some peace in Norway, but all the peace I found was fleeting. That’s why I always jumped from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. That’s why I didn’t stick with anything long-term. The pleasure or enjoyment or stimulation it gave me was always so fleeting. I would start feeling pain again and then I’d jump to something else.”
Kim then started to get choked up and said, “I see Erik getting on his knees, his hands together as if pleading, and tears are streaming down his face. He’s begging you to forgive him for what he’s done.”
I plan to practice channeling Erik on my own. If this goes well, I will urge anyone who has lost a loved one to develop their own skill, too. Apparently, everyone has the ability to channel those on the other side, including their own guides. Maybe this will give hope to other parents who have suffered what I believe is the ultimate tragedy, losing a child. If I can establish a relationship with my son in the afterlife, so, too, can they.
I urge everyone to read about the scientific evidence for the existence of an afterlife, the survival of consciousness after death, the fact that we live many lives, and other matters I once considered the domain of quacks and charlatans. I recommend two books in particular. One is entitled “The Hidden Domain.” This deals with the quantum physics of the soul, consciousness, thought, and the “other side.” You have to digest each page slowly, because it’s pretty heavy stuff! The second book is entitled, “The Afterlife Experiments.” Here, you’ll read about experiments that are performed using strict scientific methods to establish the fact that consciousness, and therefore the soul, does survive after death and communication with departed souls is possible.
Through the medium, Kim O’Neill, Erik shared volumes of information about death, but I wanted to start by letting him know that, although I would like to channel him on my own, my grief makes it difficult to have the quiet mind necessary to hear him. Here’s his response:
“I’m just going to have to talk louder than your grief! Your grief is causing a lot of static. It’s like if we were at a water park, we’d have to talk louder to hear each other.”
‘Can you do that, Erik?’ I ask.
‘But how will I know it’s you and not a conversation I just make up in my mind?’
“Because you know me, Mom. You know the way I talk. You know my sense of humor. I’m gonna say, ‘Mom it’s me,’ and you’ll know it’s me. You’re going to be able to feel the difference between your grief, your head talk and me. And I’ll talk louder than your head talk so you’re probably gonna have to tell me to keep it down a notch CUZ I’M GOING TO BE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY! Here’s my plan for now. I’m going to be coming to you in dreams, lucid dreams. So I’m coming to you first. In the morning, you’re going to have total recall about what we talk about, usually. If you don’t, when you go to the computer and start typing. It’ll just come out.”
I ask, ‘How often can you come to me?’
“Any time I damn well please!” he says jokingly.
‘Well then, how often do you think that can be?’ I ask this because I want so desperately to have him with me all the time. It’s funny; when a person is around, you feel okay about seeing them only sporadically. It’s no big deal if they go away on a trip for a week or two and hang out with friends more than home, but when they die, they become the center of your every thought and emotion. You want them to be around you, communicating constantly.
Erik goes on to say, “Well, I’d like to come every night the day before you wanna write something the next day.”
That, of course, means I will be determined to write daily. Communicating in dreams, however, is one thing, but feeling their touch is another. So I ask, ‘How can I better feel your presence?’
Erik assures me by saying, “I’ve been working on building my ability to manipulate physical matter on the earthly plane. Every time we pass away and our soul goes to heaven, we’ve gotta work on our ability to expand our electrical energy so that, if we want to, we can move material objects; we can really make our presence known in the most tangible way possible—to materialize, to touch others, and to have them feel it. That’s what I’ve been working on. So, what I’m going to do is this: I’ll come up and hug you; I’ll touch your arm and you’ll know it’s me; I’ll come up and give you a kiss on the cheek, and I’m going to rub your hair. I’m going to put my hand on top of your head and rub your hair back and forth just like I used to do. Remember how it used to piss you off when I messed up your hair like that?” (He laughs really hard for several seconds. Of course, now, I’d give anything for him to have my hair in a rat’s nest all the time.) “And when you drive you’ll hear me saying ‘Mom, go faster’ or ‘it’s yellow, you can make it; you can make it; go through the light.’”
‘Yeah, I remember what a backseat driver you were, Erik!’ I respond with a chuckle.
He laughs and says, “Yeah, it was easier to be a backseat driver with you than with Pappa, huh? You took it better than he did! And Mom, this is what you’re going to write about in a book: How parents can rise above the grief to actually be able to feel and hear and be aware of their kid around them. You’re also going to be smelling me, Mom. It’ll be the smell like I’ve been working outside, kinda like a sweaty guy smell.” Ah, how well I remember that scent. It wasn’t objectionable to me a all; it was just a sign of how much he loved working outside on cars, bikes, and his welding.
Erik continues with, “Mom, you did everything you could. The problem was I didn’t listen to you. I thought all that stuff was a bunch of bullshit, but now I know! Oh my God, if only, if only, if only. I created something that was much more stressful than it was supposed to be. Even when I had the gun in my hand, it was like should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I? It happened so fast that my guardian angels couldn’t do anything to stop it. They tried to get other people to call or come over, but there wasn’t enough time.”
Just before his death, his older sister, Kristina, experienced something that gives Erik’s statement credence. She says, ”I had been reading about learning disabilities and suicidality in children/teens for my behavioral science course, and I of course was thinking about him the whole time that morning. I got a strong urge to pick up my cell phone and text him ‘I love you’ for no apparent reason at all. But it was in my purse in the other room and I didn’t go get it. I feel remorseful about that.”
On the day of his death, Erik’s younger sister, Annika, and his Aunt Teri recall passing by his room as they walked down the hall to go to the lunch we had planned. In fact, their encounters occurred within ten minutes of his death. They both claimed they saw him sitting at his desk, staring ahead solemnly. Oh, how they wished they had recognized his sadness and stopped to comfort him! In retrospect, these three incidents were most assuredly his guides’ attempts to muster our help and intervention.
Yet Erik reassures us as he continues, “I know you knew it was a possibility this would eventually happen, Mom, but there was nothing you could have done beside worry and do all the stuff you did to help me. Did you know a third of parents around the world have kids who are suicidal? I know that now. You need to let other parents know that too.”
‘Could you tell me more about what it’s like to die, Erik?’ I ask.
“I literally felt no pain. I felt no pain. Mom, it’s really important to put that down because a lot of kids die in accidents like car accidents or motorcycle wrecks. Some have been murdered; some have drowned. Even if a child has died of a heart attack or cancer, the parent is always going to worry about the pain and suffering they might have had during death. But tell everyone there is no pain. My soul popped out of the body at the moment of my death. I truly felt nothing. You know, Mom, I’m going to be totally honest with you about everything. I felt this shocking, this immediate sense of peacefulness, happiness, euphoria. It was stunning. I felt like I was floating, like I was levitating. After my soul popped out of the body, at that moment, I heard a shot. I can’t gauge the time.
“I was feeling this awesome euphoria and enjoying it and it then it was as if this invisible hand was telling me ‘look there, look down.’ So I looked down and I thought, ‘holy shit’ and I realized it was me. For a couple of seconds I wondered, ‘how can I be there and be here too?’ And then I realized, ‘Ooooh, it’s my soul! This is my soul! Then I came into this overwhelming knowing about who I really am, all of my past lives. At that moment I could understand what you were trying to help me heal from in those past lives. I got this immediate knowing and I was like, ‘Oh, oh, that’s what Mom was trying to help me with. Wow, she knew!’ I could see you for who you really are, I could see Pappa for who he really is, and Lukas, Kristina, Michelle and Annika, everybody, everybody—family, friends, everyone on the earthly plane. I could see them for who they really are. This knowing was rapturous. I know that’s a word I wouldn’t use on the earthly plane so I’ll say this so you’ll know it’s really me, ‘It was fucking rapturous!’ I all of a sudden had all this wisdom and I thought, ‘Aaawww, why didn’t I have all this when I was there?’ Then I realized I could have. I could have.
“Mom, that’s where you’re headed. You are going to feel this knowingness, this peace in this lifetime, and then you’re going to teach everybody else in the family. You’re going to feel neutral, objective about the choices other people make. It’s a lot easier being in spirit because you can see someone else’s destiny even when they make choices that change that destiny. Spirits can immediately be neutral and not judge themselves or others.”
“So of course I already told you what happened when I saw all the mess I made. I knew you were going to find me and that was not my goal. I didn’t think. Once I pulled the trigger I couldn’t change my mind. I felt this horrible sense of loss knowing what you guys were gonna feel and I had my own sense of loss, scared, real scared that you guys weren’t going to be able to pick up on me. I was real frightened about it. Then I had this tragic feeling of grief knowing you were gonna find it, Mom. I knew it. I felt this impossible to describe sense of remorse. Maybe it was even more grief than you feel, Mom, because I did it. I did it. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew I would have to have therapy because of it. So you know I went to Norway right away to see Bestefar (his grandfather), but my guide made me come back and watch when you found me. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, seeing you break down in my lap, sobbing. My guide made me look at what pain I caused for you. It was unbearable.” (Here, Kim, again describes him kneeling, hands together as if begging, tears streaming down his face asking for forgiveness.)
“Then I felt this pulling, this pulling like a gravitational pull and I heard this “zinnnggg” and all of a sudden I was standing there in front of a whole bunch of other spirits and I recognized them all! There were hundreds of them. I was like ‘Oh, there’s Aunt Sophie; there’s my brother from the Middle Ages,’ I could recognize everybody from all my past lives and my brother from this lifetime.” (I had lost a baby during my 24th week of pregnancy. It was a boy. We named him, Seth. It happened around 16 years ago, so Kim could not have known Erik had a brother on the other side.)
“There was this big table where everybody was going to sit down…like a family dinner. There was a lot of music, there was a lot of laughing. Oh, and, Mom, I asked four souls from your soul group who aren’t part of your life now if they could help you through all this. I want to do something to help the family. I want to be able to do something for you guys. If there is anything at all I can do to help anyone in the family, please let me know, and I’ll do everything I can. I want to feel like I’m still part of the family. Ask me to do stuff. I can’t exactly take out the garbage but… Spiritual being can move physical objects just as well as you guys.”
‘Okay,’ I joke, ‘I’ll get a chore list together for you!’
Erik laughs, then continues, “Mom, you’re going to notice things have been done, and you’ll ask other people ‘Did you do that?’ ‘Did you do this?’ and they’ll say ‘no’ and you’ll know it was me!” I found that so comforting. Proof of his presence is crucial. I don’t want to feel like I’ve really lost my little boy forever. That would be too much to bear.
“Okay, let’s get back to what happened next,” I prod. Erik was always easily distracted, just like his mom.
“Oh yeah, right, Well, I was at this big long table, and I felt dazed. I was still euphoric, but I was dazed. It’s like one minute I was in my physical body and the next minute I was a free spirit without physical limitations, and I kept asking, ‘I’m really a spirit, right? I mean, I don’t get to go back to that lifetime; I’ve let that lifetime go?’ Then I started “the review.” Nobody did the review but me. I was sitting at the table. Uh, I was sitting there and everyone was talking about how happy they were that I’m back. No matter how we pass, we’re always welcomed back with open arms. Everyone is always thrilled to see us again. Anyway, so I’m sitting at the table, and I’ve got my elbows on the table. I’ve got my head in my hands and I’m reviewing my life. I started sobbing when I remembered being a little boy and you calling me your ‘little man’ and doing things with me and telling me what a big man I’m gonna be. I’ve taken all of that away. Those were the worst moments of the review. I want to thank Pappa for treating me like an adult. Pappa, you treated me like an adult for as long as I can remember. Thanks, Pappa; that meant a lot to me.”
“So I finished my review and I considered what I could have done that I didn’t; what I did do that I shouldn’t have. I don’t know how long the review took. I didn’t mark time. No one here marks time. But it didn’t take long, because the candles were still burning on my cake, my “welcome home” cake. Then I felt this heaviness, this real emotional heaviness. I was approached by this female soul who offered to counsel me; she offered me therapy. So I’ve been going to therapy. She’s not only helping me understand why I did it, why I took my life, but how I can go back to the earthly plane with this heaviness added to the healing I was supposed to do this lifetime without doing the same thing again. Wow, Mom, if I could have seen what I was healing from (in past lives,) no wonder I was so fucking depressed and angry. No wonder, Mom!”
“I want you to let other people know that we have lots of company here. A lot of parents who have lost kids worry that their kid is all alone, but it’s not that way. We imagine what we want to eat, and it’s right there. We live where we want; we live how we want; we don’t feel hot or cold. Thought creates reality much faster here. It happens in an instant.”
I only booked an hour with Kim, so, sadly, it was time to wrap things up. I ask him, ‘Okay, I’m running out of time, but do you have anything else you want to say about what it’s like to die?’
“Shit yeah, tons but don’t worry, I’ve written it all down. We can cover it later.”
Erik writing things down? Could it be? That might just be the biggest transformation of all! I can hear him laughing in agreement.
In this video, Erik shows his beautiful sensitive side I adore so much. Ironically, he talks about teaching his niece, Arleen, how to shoot and at the end of the video, I’m wearing the same shirt I wore when I found Erik dead. Now, it’s in the bottom drawer in my closet covered with blood. I don’t know why I can’t throw it away. I guess it’s the only physical thing I have left of him.
Me: Okay, now what do I tell people when you’ve spent a lot of time here talking about how easy death usually is and how wonderful the afterlife can be? What’s to stop them from wanting to go there before it’s their time? I mean, you make a great case for dying. What can I tell them, Sweetie?
Erik: Well, first, Mom, you gotta define what is “before their time.”
Me: Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. I guess what I want to know is what’s to keep people from committing suicide given you’re descriptions about Heaven, uh, when they maybe shouldn’t go that route?
Me: It’s like getting off early from work when you’re not supposed to, you know? “It’s Friday; I’m leaving at two!”
Jamie (laughing): Sneaking out!
Jamie: He has a really different tone when he’s talking right now. (pause) It’s not his, “Hey, I’m telling you a story. I’m chit-chatting.” His tone has kind of dropped a level—more sincere.
Erik: Mom, if people are at the place of suicide, and they’re romancing that idea—cuz that’s what it’s like; you have to romance it for a while before you test yourself to see if you have the strength to do it or not.
Me (somberly): Um hm.
Erik: If you find out you have the strength, I’m going to tell you right then and there, Mom, it’s not a wrong choice. I don’t know if you ever want to write that in a book.
Me: Well, should I or shouldn’t I?
Erik: I just don’t want you to catch hell, because people are going to rise up against you—humans need to have the structure and the rules. They have to be told what is right and wrong. But really, we’re supposed to do that internally for ourselves. And yes, Mom, people can be saved from suicide; people can be stopped; uh, a friend can show up and take the gun away; an unexpected person can arrive and pump their stomach of the pills they just took. Those are the moments of salvation that scream: “You have a second chance.”
Me (sadly): Yeah. How I wish…
Erik: But if you actually follow through on the suicide, and you achieve it, most of the time—I’ll say 70% of the time—you’re supposed to go. You’re supposed to go. But you’re right, there’s the other 30%–that’s a loose number—but there are those few who succeed that really should have had that second chance.
Me: Oh, yeah.
Erik: Those are the ones that have such a rough time over here in the afterlife, Mom. They have to retrace their steps as if they were living and help those who were supposed to be a crucial part of their life. You think it’s hard to communicate with someone who won’t listen to you? It’s way more difficult to talk while you’re dead to someone who’s living. It’s a real pain. It’s frustrating! So imagine the hardships that soul has trying to amend and make things smooth after their accidental “success” of suicide.
Me: You mean in trying to help those they left behind? Those who are grieving, who feel betrayed, abandoned?
Erik: Yeah. Yeah, cuz maybe it was in five years that the guy was supposed to win the lottery and give twenty thousand to his mom—
Me: Oh, yeah! I see!
Erik: —so she could develop a way to cure a toe fungus.
Me (chuckling): Ah!
Erik: And now that the guy killed himself, that’s not gonna happen. So now, he has to find ways to get other people in his mom’s life to do that, to give her the money and follow through with the destiny he cut short.
Erik: There’s that missing link, because they chose that free will option, and they followed through with it instead of allowing the structures of life to teach them.
Me: But the other ones who have a, um, those for whom it’s okay to commit suicide as their exit point, is that always predetermined between lives?
Erik: Predetermined? Yes.
Me: Like, “Okay, I’m finished with my spiritual contract, so…”
Erik: Wouldn’t it be great if we could change the term, “commit suicide?” To “be committed,” that’s like jail time.
Me: Yeah, I guess for those who die at their predestined exit point, death is freeing.
Erik: Yeah, what’s up with that?
Me: Well, were you one of the 30% or one of the 70%?
Erik: Oh, I was one of the 70%.
Me: So it was your time?
Me: Wow. Well, look at all the good you’re doing, so maybe it was. So, was this planned between lives for you, or was it one of many exit points for you?
Erik: It was planned, but you’re right, it was one of many possible exit points. My other one’s would have soon followed this one. It wasn’t like thirty more years, and there’d be another opportunity. They were all grouped together in my twenties.
Me: Why was this your designed exit point? What was the reason? It seems like you were just so confused about what you were here to do, so why, uh—
Erik: Because I have a bigger voice here, Mom.
Me: Oh, okay.
Erik: You’re my megaphone. And through your experiences of this, other people around the world have been enlightened and will be enlightened.
Me: So, in a way, it was your destiny, and the whole purpose was for you to help others with your bigger voice in the afterlife? Is that what you’re saying? I just want to make sure I get this right.
Erik: Yeah, and to help you find your place, Mom.
Me: Oh, okay. Like we’ve talked about before, early on, you said it was not your destiny.
Erik: Well, right after death, you’re more likely to be a little confused. I wasn’t totally oriented to what was going on, what happened and why.
Me: Yeah, I remember you saying that. It makes so much more sense. Of course, I’d much rather your death be something you designed between lives for a higher purpose, but it also explains why, of all the kids, I could never imagine you getting old, getting married, having kids, and—
Erik: Yeah, neither could I.
Me: So, I guess I must have known deep inside.
Jamie (in mock offense): No! Erik, that’s just mean! He says women aren’t the best mediums—
Jamie: See, isn’t that mean?
Me (laughing): You are so grounded, Mister!
Jamie: He says we tend to want to console, and so we put our own feelings within the reading to sugarcoat things. If you were to find a male medium, they’re a little more dry and harsh, less compassionate, so they’d tend to say things straight up.
Me: Well, gosh, I find that, in general, women are much better at channeling!
Jamie: Yeah, we’re more receptive!
Me (chuckling): That’s right, more receptive! What’s with that, Erik, you male chauvinist!
Erik (laughing): Pig?
Me: Yes, yes, yes, that’s what I was going to say, but I didn’t want to diss the pigs!
Jamie (laughing hard): You didn’t want to hurt the pig’s feelings! He’s laughing so hard!
Me: So, it was your destiny, right? This is important to me, so I want to clarify it completely.
Erik: Yep, it was my destiny to check out.
Me: So, Erik, what’s your advice to those who want to kill themselves?
Erik: Don’t do it if it’s not 100% your destiny, because your problems won’t go away with death. For instance, if you have a bad self-esteem, it’ll still suck. If you have problems with confidence, with intimacy, with openness, you’ll still have these problems when you cross, plus you’ll just feel so horrible about what you’ve done to those you love. On top of all that, you’ll have to clean up the mess you left behind with your loved ones and the destinies that have been altered by the ripple effect from your death. People who kill themselves are really shocked by that when they cross over. They think it’s a clean release with no more crap to deal with. And cleaning up all this type of shit is much harder to do in the afterlife.
Me: Well, that should be enough to convince them. Okay, so is there anything else you want to say about anything? You talked about death, what happens afterwards, the life review, the socializing period, and, well, I guess that’s it as far as the sequence of what happens at and shortly after death. So, then what? You go to different classes, you underwent some therapy, you’ve evolved there in the afterlife according to your changing belief system. I remember at the beginning you were in an environment very similar to the earthly plane, because that’s what your belief system seemed to mesh with. And now you’ve graduated out of that, because your belief system opened up to greater possibilities, right? Tell me in your own words for the book.
Erik: You could say belief systems, but it’s more like—
Jamie (giggling): Baby birds? Really, Erik?
Erik: Yeah, it’s like being a baby bird—
Jamie (after listening to Erik’s explanation for a bit): Oh, that’s right, baby birds are born knowing everything!
Me: Oh, really? Cool!
Erik: Yeah, they don’t have to learn anything. They’re born with all their knowing, their lessons, already done. They know how to build a nest; they know how to fly; they know everything.
Me: Oh, yeah!
Erik: So when you die, you’re a baby bird, and it just takes time for you to open up. It’s not really about learning things; it’s about remembering what you already know.
Me: Awesome metaphor, Erik. Okay, Baby, I guess that’s all we have time for. Thank you so much, Jamie. Alright, Sweetie, until next time.
Jamie (giggling): He’s blowing you kisses!
Me: Aw, thank you, Erik. I love you.
Many of you have seen this video of Erik singing while driving home from Florida with his sister, Michelle. I find the words so ironically prophetic. At one point, you can see his dark despair come through, followed purposeful comic relief. I wish I had been there to hug him. I wish I could hug him now.
If you can’t access the above YouTube, here’s the direct link:
As the holidays approach, some of us long for a break. A break from the grief of losing someone we love. A break from being mired in daily struggle. A break from being human. This is the first time Erik spoke to me without the need of a question prompt. He spoke with solemn passion. How timely.
Erik: You know, Mom, before you ask me a question, I want to talk to you about people who want to take their own life. In some cases, the stress, the grief, whatever builds up, it’s like a volcano. Only so much can build before it has to release. The lesson in each case is that there is perfection in imperfection.
Me: Mm hm.
Jamie: He’s pausing. Erik, I can see that.
Me: What? Is he picking his nose?
Jamie (sounding touched): No. His eyes are tearing up.
Me: Oh, Sweetie. It’s okay.
Jamie: He’s just kind of readjusting his gestures and how he’s sitting so that he’s really not squared off with me; we’re not looking at each other face to face.
Jamie (to Erik): But, you know, I can see that you’re adjusting. I can see. I can see.
Erik: Well, it’s hard …
Jamie (to Erik, in a warm, motherly tone): Take a deep breath. You don’t always have to be the fast talker.
Me: Yeah, Sweetie. Take your time.
Jamie (with a soft chuckle): I don’t mind a pause.
Erik: It just throws me right back into my human state of mind—right back into my body—and I haven’t shaken hands with those demons in a long time.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Erik: And I’m happy not to shake hands with them anymore, but when you’re human, you think you have the power to override them—the internal thoughts, those crazy horses in your head that just run with ideas and thoughts that actually hold no truth. But because the thoughts are so heavy, they feel incredibly real, and we start to validate them as real and they’re not. It’s within this slice of anxiety, madness, grief, this really imbalanced state of mind and heart—that’s the imperfection that makes us perfect.
Me: Not sure if I understand, but…
Erik: In so many people who want to take their life, it’s just about getting out of the body, not an act or a willingness to die. It might be nice, ya know? First hand, I kinda know that experience.
Me (solemnly): Yeah.
Erik: A lot of times those people might be worried that they couldn’t do everything they wanted or needed to do, desired to. But then right before, they get this peace and calm, knowing that everything is going to be all right. All of a sudden, they know it’s all going to be okay. Really at that moment, they already left the body.
Erik: A lot of people I see that are headed toward the answers, committing suicide, attempting suicide, ending their life, they just need out of their body just for a certain moment. A lot of times they do that before they get a chance to follow through, and then they back down.
Me: They just need a rest. A rest from being human.
Erik: Yeah. And when people struggle to that point, like I said, many times it’s about the perfection of imperfection.
Me: What do you mean by that? I just don’t understand.
Erik: Our perfectness is composed of a huge percentage of things that just aren’t’ right.
Jamie (giggling): He kind of puts that in air quotes.
Erik: I know there’s no right or wrong—there just “is”, but as humans, the brain has a hell of a hard time relaxing in that state of mind. It’s almost like we enjoy struggle more than we enjoy peace. And all of humanity has to learn this lesson for us to achieve it—to make it a natural state of being. Peace. That’s what our generations to come might experience, but for now, we’re still in a natural state of being in struggle. Our natural state of being as a human is based on being in a constant struggle. Even when you’re calm, you’re thinking, “How long is this going to last?” “When I get out of this, then I have to face that shit, and then I have to manage that crap over there.” You know, it’s still all fucked up, but you’re going to have these pockets of peace. We’re getting through all of this as humanity. Everyone has to learn to turn the dial on the emotional, mental, spiritual level from chaos and struggle to peace and calm. Until we do that, you know, we’re all attached to each other—we’re all antennas. And we can get those incredibly enlightened people, loving people, people who are aware, and their antenna inside their body just starts to pick up all the struggle and the chaos. And they don’t want it. Just like you, Mom. And some of those people just want a break from being human. But this whole media, vulnerability, kind of openness that you and I have gone through—it was done in a way to save other people but not you. And I know you’ll come soon enough and see how you can save yourself. And how you do that will not stop the openness, the storytelling, because we—
Jamie (to Erik): Who’s we? (To me) You and him.
Erik: We cannot even count how many people we’ve touched nor how many people that we have taught. So, now that they’re more knowledgeable and can heal through their grief and not leave this world as it’s changing—that absolutely is extremely valuable and extremely important, but never, ever more important than you. I hope knowing that helps.
Me: Aw. I love you, Erik.
Erik: I love you more.
There are no words to express my surprise (shock and awe was my first choice but that seemed a little too military for my taste) to find out about the Yahoo nomination for “Women Who Shine.” I’m sure there are thousands of women who are just as deserving out there, some of whom are reading this right now, so I feel so humbly blessed.
My hope is that we win so that we can:
1) Extend Channeling Erik’s reach to a broader audience
2) Use the feature article to help with suicide prevention and survivorship
3) Open some eyes to the spiritual side of things.
Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world’s leading questionnaire tool.
Here I sit in a Kroger parking lot typing this on my phone hoping my CE peeps can help me. Erik put a bullet through his brain at 1:20 P.M. almost three years ago on October 6th. Around that time, I can’t be in my house, because I imagine him sitting in that chair with that 45 caliber Rossi pointed at his right temple feeling such a sense of hopelessness then pulling that trigger. I remember that call from Maria, her scream when she opened his door, the frantic drive home. I recall so vividly racing for the front door only to find it locked. Banging and screaming over and over until Maria finally opened it, climbing up those stairs with a mix of fear and determination. Finding him. Oh god, finding him. Burying my head in his lap not daring to look up again at his head. I could hardly recognize him as my son. Then I put my head against his chest and heard nothing. Just a horrible silence that could only mean indisputable finality. I remember the detective guiding me downstairs with such compassion. The crime scene tape. The officers with blue gloves and cameras. The crime scene clean up crew. The sound of them ripping up his carpet. Watching them take his bloody chair downstairs for disposal. Calls for cornea donation. I remember too much. So, please help me. How do can I stand to be in that house this time of day? As I sob in my car here in this parking lot, people are beginning to stare.
Today, I’d like to devote this entry to my beautiful son. I’m so proud of you, Erik. In three years, you’ve accomplished so much to make the world a better place. You’ve brought wisdom and love to us all. I’m so grateful to call you my son. I wish you were here for me to give you a great big birthday hug. But you’re not.
Here are some more of what the blog members have to say about you. I can feel you blushing already:
To be able to sum up in a few words what Erik has meant to me would be futile. Erik is so many wonderful things it is difficult to express in mere words. Erik has given me an outstanding glimpse into the after life and the non meaning of death. This past weekend in Austin I had a brief opportunity to meet the real Erik through Jamie. Such an outstanding young man. What insight he has and the information he has given to me and others was memorable, unforgettable, prominent, powerful, commanding, and at times breath-taking. I want to “Thank You Erik” for giving your life in service of mine. Thank you for being that beautiful prankster and fun giver you are. You are truly one of God’s great angels. Thank you for your love and support to all of us in the “Channeling Erik” family.
Erik makes me realize the depth of love a mother can have for her child. Hug.
Erik has given me hope and a sense that maybe I will see my baby girl again. If not for Erik I would be in a much darker place then where I am now. I still hope to come Across some signs from Erik. But I take comfort in knowing such an amazing young man surrounds my baby Kara. I know she is well cared for until I meet her again. I will always be so grateful for you Elisa, and your sweet sweet Erik. xox Melanie
Now, on to what Erik means to me. So hard to put into words, as we have all been in situations that make it abundantly clear that words do not adequately express what is in the heart. Erik is a beacon of hope, a much needed bathroom along a long hiking trail in the woods (hopefully this analogy makes Erik chuckle). You can complete your hike without the bathroom, but it’s oh so much better with it. He has brought a tangible reality to the other side of the veil, as his messages are always amazingly insightful, clear, and on target. His messages bring comfort and a much appreciated new way of looking at things. He feels “real”. He really understands what we are going through and really cares about each of us as well as the whole. He brings comic relief and a lightness in a way that is easy to relate to. Most of all, he feels like a pillar of strength, support, and unconditional love. He is always there and he shows up in the most unique and unexpected ways. I am in awe of his courage and his heart. He fills me with joy and hope and I cannot get enough of his insight. Since we live in a world of duality, the loss to so many in the physical world is countered by a powerful gain as a spiritual guide and cheerleader to so many from the other side. Saying I feel blessed to be a part of his love and the love of Elisa and the group just doesn’t cover it, but it’s the closest our words can come. Love M & M
Erik is the “new kid on the block” in the world of channeling.
He makes the old feel new. One of his gifts is cutting through the crap and saying how it is.
He shakes out the curtains, plumps up the cushions and opens the window to let the light in. He says look at the light, look at the sun, wake up to your life. It is meant to be fun.
With a smile on his face, he says, come in, come in, to this place. You are welcome here. This is your home. This is where you belong.
Because we’re all a part of this thing called life, existence and beyond. Even when it feels like we do not belong. It is as it is.
Erik is a dude. Of the highest order. Jemma
Re your touching Erik tribute: I am new to the community, but already through reading your blog with Erik’s insights and the comments of your members I feel connected and supported through the deep love we all share for our children. I feel the wisdom shared by Erik/CE is helping me to be more accepting of my son’s disabling condition. Its helping me let go of 5 years of guilt and anger that his injury could have been prevented by me and others. I am trying to replace that with hope that he will be able to express himself through his spirit and fulfill life purpose for his soul in spite of his physical/functional limitations. It have gained a new path on my recovery efforts. Becky
Sidharth Dugar and family:
We are little late in sending this, but here’s what me and my family have to say for dear Erik:
I started reading your blog in September 2010, I dont even remember how I came across it, and now when I look back I guess it was meant to be this way, some connection I had which compelled me to find your blog and get tuned to it forever.
Erik’s story and the way he came back to comfort you all, sounded familiar to me, as I had already been very influenced by two similar stories, that of Mrs. Nan Umrigar, how her son Karl came to her life after his death, and how he was helped by a Master, Meher Baba weritten in her book Sounds of Silence and of Mrs Khorshed Bhavnagri who lost both her sons in a car crash, and they came back to tell their strory to their parents as well as the whole world through the book called Laws of the Spirit World.
Reading about Erik only intrigued me further, more so because i am the same age as him and because I started seeing a friend in him.
The posts on your blog are not only full of knowledge, humour but also offer interesting details about the lives and after lives of the many famous ones, and most importantly comfort me many times when I am low.
Thanks to You, Erik and Jamie.
Around sometime in July last year, I got to know about Renuka from one of the blog readers on Facebook, and when I spoke to her, although am sure Erik did know me before, but i got formally introduced to him, and he asked if he could be friends with me? I cannot tell you how happy I was to know this, it was like a validation for me that yes he listens to me.
Ever since through Renuka, Erik has guided my whole family, myself and so many friends of mine.
He also got from my school friend who died sometime back, a message for his family. They were happy beyond words.
He is my Hero and I am so glad he reached out to us.
Thank you so much Ma’am to have shared ur amazing child, with all of us. I want to thank Meher Baba for allowing all this to happen with us and blessing us with so much love.
My sister’s tribute to Erik:
Erik is a friend, guide, and a philosopher. He brings light to us. From the bottom of my heart, i want to thank him, for reaching out to us when we needed him most, for cheering us up and bringing us hope… Life has changed for better. It makes me feel blessed to know we have a spirit friend, who shall always be there to help us, who understands us, who is looking after us. Am grateful to him for everything, for all that he has don’t for us. God bless him.
Erik’s Second Birthday
Erik’s Sixth Birthday
The strangest thing has been happening to my sister and me since my mom died. Whenever I sit in the chair next to the one she used to sit in, I feel a distinctly cold spot, so cold that my calf on the right side is almost icy to the touch. Yesterday, Laura and I (don’t ask me why) Were sitting outside in 100 degree temperature (105 degree “real feel”) watching the birds frolicking around the bird feeders. (Do birds frolic?) Anyway, I felt a very cold blast of air sweep across me. I was stunned. After all, it was a hundred freaking degrees. Of course I wasn’t complaining, but really! I thought it was my imagination, but it kept happening over and over. I checked to see if any windows were open, but nope. Nada. Furthermore, Laura was sitting next to me and was experiencing the same dang thing. At my session with Jamie today, my mom said it was indeed her visiting. That’s good, because if they both had the same calling card, so to speak, I would have no idea how to identify which visitor was which.
Now, here is a mix of topics Erik has for us today (yes, an eclectic mix, but don’t shoot the messenger.)
Me: Let’s see if we have time for one more question. Infants and young children: how do they appear to us when they cross over?
Erik: That depends on the spirit’s journey. If they died as an infant, they might choose to grow up with the family so as every year passes you’ll see them grow just like a human would. There are sometimes, though, like if they pass at age six, the next time you see them they look like a young adult. They’re coming across as who they naturally were. Others might pass when they’re 10 and want to reincarnate as a baby into the same family so they regress year by year for ten years. So, it’s different how you’ll be able to view them. What you really need to focus on is the connection of their name of how they were identified on Earth and their relation to you, and just accept that how they choose to present themselves is what they want and what they need to grow through.
Me: Well, when I cross over, are you going to be the Erik I remember or what do you want to do?
Erik: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m staying put like I am.
Me: Oh good!
Jamie: I’ll make you a young mom when you get here.
Me: Get your industrial strength airbrush and Bondo ready.
Me: Suicide numbers are really increasing at an alarming rate. I wonder if some are subconsciously choosing to leave because they can help with the Shift more from the next dimension. Greater leverage there maybe?
Erik: They can. I bet it’s not related to the fact that they know they can help more once they die, but they know they just don’t want to go through it.
Me: Oh, I bet.
Erik: So, you know, they just get out a little early.
Me: Yeah, and leave us all to be in the foxholes by ourselves. Like rats leaving a sinking ship. Oh well; it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it.
Erik: That somebody is us.
Me (heaving a deep sigh): I know.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I sure enjoyed a day of rest Sunday. I pretty much did nothing. Not even contemplate my navel. But I have discovered one thing in my respite: Being idle is not always easy for those of us who grieve. That empty space seems to suck up the darkness, the memories we try to shake off, the wishes for what should have been. But as much as I try to run and run on my little hamster wheel to escape all of that, quietness of the mind is a necessary evil. Unless you succumb and allow the waves of darkness to wash over your heart and away, it’s only going to crash against the dam just out of reach, taunting you without mercy.
I miss Erik so, so much. Sometimes I forget that when I see him as a font of spiritual insight rather than the little boy who I nurtured and loved and taught and scolded and fed and played with. It’s hard.
I know some of you are going to take umbrage in this post, particularly if you perceive it through a lens of fear. That said, I hope you consider the events to come as a renewal, a rebirth into a new spiritual era. (That’s a lot more fun.)
Me: Okay. Here’s the last question. What should we expect to occur in the world in relationship to the Shift during the rest of this year?
Erik: Revving up? That kinda thing?
Me: Yeah. I guess so. I know a lot of people have had anxiety; there’s been an increase in suicides in teens, young adults and the elderly. So, what should we expect the rest of this year?
Erik: There’s going to be—
Jamie: I’m asking him questions, sorry.
Me: That’s okay.
Erik: There are going to be more deaths, and even people who are going to be just dense as a rock and can’t feel the Earth shifting—even they are going to have what they consider anxiety attacks, vibrations in the body, and this is the body changing it’s vibrational level. When it does that, it creates energy, and it has to extend itself—
Jamie: Is that the word?
Me: Yeah, I think that works.
Jamie: It can? Okay.
Me: Extend the energy. Yeah. Okay. Anything else on that?
Erik: What you can start seeing is also in animals, certain species completely going extinct, maybe not before the end of the year, though. We’re going to have a newer Earth. It is going to be mostly dominated by humans and less by animals than it is now. The hardship that this will create for us is that we’ll have to do a lot of tending to the Earth whereas the animals used to do it for us. That’s why I encourage people to learn about how to live green.
Me: And I guess we’ll still see these huge extremes in weather and geological events?
It’s been over two years since Erik’s death, and although my grief is not one of constant despair, every day is still a struggle. I’m wondering if those of you who still mourn the loss of a loved one experience a particular phenomenon I call “grief mind chatter.” Let me explain.
Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is of Erik: how I don’t have him here to hug, how I miss his smile, how I simply cannot grasp the fact that he’s gone. Every night before I drift to sleep, my thoughts, interwoven with tears, travel the same painful path. What’s most difficult, however, is what occurs between sunrise and sunset. In my mind, there’s a constant undercurrent of similar thoughts of what will no longer be and an ongoing slideshow of visuals: Erik as a baby, Erik as a preschooler–Erik at every stage of growth–Erik being silly, kind, loving, mischievous, excited, and, yes, Erik tormented by that dark despondency that makes my heart break bit by bit with each sad memory. These pictures and thought never cease. They haunt relentlessly: while watching TV, engaging in conversations, laughing a someone’s joke, finishing my housework, on and on and on. It’s like an annoying drip from a faucet, but the drip is corrosive acid and its target is my heart.
I’m sure one factor is that writing for the blog keeps Erik in my thoughts. That goes without saying. One side of Channeling Erik brings me solace and comfort. It heals me. The other side is that it provokes a constant reminder of his death, of his not being here with me in the physical, like salt being rubbed in an old wound so that it will never be fully covered with an impenetrable scar. For me, Channeling Erik is a dance between bliss and sorrow. But don’t get me wrong; the positives far outweigh the negatives.
The question is: how does one escape this back drop of sorrow to find a place of peace?
1) Don’t forget to sign up for one of Jamie and Erik’s small group channeling calls before they fill up.
2) For those of you who would still like say a few words of appreciation to Jamie, just send them along to email@example.com and I’ll copy and paste them into the document of “Jamie Tributes” I have. I’d like to give this to her for Mother’s Day.