Now that I’m almost finished with using sessions for gathering material for the next book, I’m going to start channeling famous figures again. This time, Erik will be asking the questions because I don’t want him to be excluded from the interview. After all, it is “Channeling Erik.” I’ve randomly picked a few for you to choose from, although I have all of your suggestions on the list. I won’t be adding any more to that list because there are 450+ on it. I won’t live long enough to get through them all! Here’s the poll.
On another note, I tried yoga for the first time (probably because my workout club offers it for free!) and something weird happened. I started crying. I had to stifle back sobs to keep from breaking the focus of the others who were taking the class. Any thoughts as to why that would happen? Have any of you experienced something like this?
Now for today’s post:
To lose a loved one is pure agony. When you lose a child, your grief is compounded exponentially. When you lose that child to suicide, your grief is multiplied to unbearable levels. When that suicide is violent, you become a POW in a private war, tortured mercilessly day after day. In my desire to show solidarity to those who grieve, know I understand how drastically life changes for you and how you feel nothing will every be the same as “before.”
After Erik’s death, friends, family and neighbors were there for us in ways that are immeasurably loving. But death is a very uncomfortable beast for most, so the calls and visits are long gone. Most of my days are spent drowning in a deep loneliness by no fault but my own. I have chosen to become a recluse. Arms that once reached out to others are now withdrawn for fear of drawing back bloody nubs. When I do venture out into the public, I fight to keep on a brave front, smiling, laughing at jokes, sharing casual stories, but I’m constantly aware of the fact that I’m hiding beneath a fragile façade. Behind the soft grin is that ever-present lump in my throat as I fight to choke back the tears. Behind the cheery exterior lurks a bottomless sense of profound sorrow that has become my constant companion. When I go to sleep, my last thoughts are that Erik is dead. When I wake up, my first thoughts are the same. Never, never is there a moment when I’m not acutely aware of my loss.
I recoil at the thought of those “looks” from others, a mix of pity and horror. I watch the uncomfortable squirming, the shifting from one foot to another, the lack of eye contact, all part of that person’s desire to get away from me—the mother who has lost a child to a violent act of suicide. They don’t dare mention Erik’s name, and for me, that’s like watching him die again—day after day after day. In short, I feel like a leper living in a colony of one.
You see, I do understand you. That’s why I share your pain as well. Were it not for you, my virtual friends, life would be impossible to bear. Each member in my loving family grieves in their own personal way, so sharing our sadness only opens up raw wounds, and I want be their source of support, not pain. So I’d like to thank you for giving me a safe place to vent the anguish I can’t share with friends and family, and know that this is a place that you can do the same.
That’s why this email from Shelly, courtesy of Compassionate Friends, struck a deep chord in me. Share this with others if you can. Know that I am here for you, and I’m grateful you’re here for me.
WHAT WE WISH OTHERS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE LOSS OF OUR CHILD
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved parent,” but will forevermore “be a recovering bereaved parent.”
I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone-all of which may be related to my grief.
Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.
It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.
I wish you wouldn’t offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-maybe you’ll like me still.
I believe that instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief. We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don’t know what to do with us.
It’s been a long time since we’ve visited those posts where Erik talked about his own death and death in general. In this three part post, you’ll notice how different Erik is now compared to how he was then.
Grasping for contact of any sort with a lost loved one is natural. Years before, I would have considered channeling through a medium a little wacky, great fodder for jokes, even. But when Erik died, things I once doubted became urgent lifelines for me to cling to in hope. However skeptical at first, when I spoke to Erik through world-renown psychic, Kim O’Neill, I felt it was truly he. His personality, his wit, his manner of speaking, it was all Erik. Furthermore, she conveyed details she could not possibly have known such as the fact that he suffered from bipolar disease since he was 10 or 11 or the fact that he killed himself while sitting in a chair at his desk in his bedroom.
One of the first assurances Erik expressed was that we, his parents, did everything we could to prevent it. He said he had contemplated suicide for many years, really and just wanted to make certain he did it in a way that would ensure his passing. In recent months, he even researched all sorts of suicide methods on the Internet. Although he thought about taking an overdose of pills, one of his biggest fears was that he would survive, but remain impaired for the rest of his life. In the end, Erik felt shooting himself in the head assured him the biggest guarantee for “success.” Next, he had to choose a moment when he felt sure we would not be in the house when the gun went off. That opportunity would occur on October 6 during the ill-fated attempt to treat my sister, Teri, my daughters, Annika and Michelle, and my grand baby, Arleen to lunch.
Naturally, I asked him the heart-wrenching “why” of it all, and here’s what he had to say: “First, guys, I want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself. Dad, you’re better about that than Mom, but Mom, do not blame yourself. It is because of you that I lived to be the age that I did. It had nothing to do with school; it had nothing to do with the family; it had nothing to do with my health; I got real depressed when I was about 10 or 11. That’s when the bipolar disorder started. It would haunt me, haunt me. And it was real unpredictable; it would come and go. The lows were so terrible that I knew I wasn’t going to live to an old age. I just needed to figure out how and when to do it without killing you both with grief.” I asked him if, once he decided to take his life, he was afraid of dying and he replied, “Oh no! I was afraid of living!”
I also asked him what death was like, and he replied with great exuberance, “Oh, Mom, it was great, it was awesome; aw, it was fantastic. When my soul popped out of the body, awww! I didn’t feel any pain. One second I was sitting in my chair, and the next second my soul was out of my body and I was like, ‘this is so fucking great!’ I felt no pain or discomfort. I could fly. I felt happy; I felt joyous; I felt warm; I felt secure. That happiness, that joy was overwhelming. And I was flying around and flying around, then I looked down at my body, and I’m like ‘Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit.’ I was surprised by all the blood! I was so surprised! I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was just thinking about relief. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was going to look like! I wasn’t thinking about the clean up.” Then laughing heartily to himself, Erik announced, “Cleanup on aisle six!” Kim was a little shocked by his irreverent humor, but I assured her that this was very typical of him. This was very “Erik.”
He goes on to say, “Right after my soul popped out of my body, I heard the gunshot, and at first, I was a little confused to see my own body sitting in the chair. I thought, ‘Wait, I’m here. Why is my body down there?’ But then I realized I was a soul. I was really worried about what would happen when you found me, Mom, so I went to Bestefar’s house in Norway right away. After a while of hanging with him, though, I started to feel real, real, real sorry for what you guys were gonna find. The person I was most worried about was Michelle, because of all the people in the family, she’s the most sensitive. She’s the most vulnerable to being fucked up by something like that.” With a chuckle he added, “But don’t tell her I said that. I don’t want her to be pissed off at me. Mom, I knew you were going to be crushed, but I thought you would be able to deal with it if you knew I was going to be so much happier in spirit and that I was going to be with you. I’m with you all the time, but I’m in spirit and I’m happy. So you have a son who is with you in spirit and I’m safe and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I figured you would be able to understand that and accept it. I’m still with you. I’m with you all the time.” (All of this repetition left me with the impression that Erik was nervous about my reaction. This is exactly how he would talk if he came home after curfew or brought home a bad grade.)
I will continue to share Erik’s description of his death and his first moments in the afterlife, but this has all exhausted me. I need to rest and lick my wounds.
I’d like to dive in to where I left off in the first channeling session with Erik. As he mentioned, after he saw his body and voiced dismay at the “mess” he created and his concerns about how we would react when we found him, he escaped to Norway to visit his grandfather, Bestefar. I’ll get into the abilities of a soul later, including how they travel and manifest whatever they wish.
Once he was in Norway, he says, “I felt this magnetic pulling sensation, pulling, pulling, pulling me almost like a vacuum. And all of a sudden there I am, there I am! I started looking around and saw that Allie was there! Denise was there! Denise was right there in front.” (As mentioned early, Allie was one of Erik’s former girlfriends killed by an accidental gunshot wound to the head back in March 2009, and Denise was his aunt (my sister) who committed suicide to end years of suffering from the complications of diabetes.) Erik approached Denise, who was standing in front of the others and asked, “‘Did I go to Hell?’ She responded with a big laugh and said, ‘Because you see me?’ Then they both laughed and Denise added, ‘Erik, you idiot!’ They hugged and everyone else came up to hug him and welcome him back to Heaven. Denise told Erik she already knew what he was going to do and asked him if he could just stay for at least fifteen minutes to visit with them before he go back to check in on us.
At this point, Kim says Erik’s case is a “huge anomaly,” because under ordinary circumstances (if the word “ordinary” can ever be appropriate in this subject matter!) committing suicide before it’s your time to go is a big no-no. Souls that end their lives always have to go through some form of therapy in isolation to help them understand why they did what they did, how they forestalled their chance to work on certain issues, etc. But Erik didn’t have to go through all of these steps, meaning he is probably a higher level soul. (More about soul hierarchy later.) Instead, Erik met and mingled with his soul group, stayed for a short period of time, and then returned to Earth where he’s living with our family now.)
In the channeling session, Erik continues, “I wanted you to know I was there. Those are the orbs you saw in the pictures you took. That’s me! At first, souls materialize as balls of light and then later we can materialize in a form you can see. And that was me visiting Pappa in the dream where we were standing next to the truck. It was also me in the dream Popi (his maternal grandfather) had of me in his lap. And Mom, that dream Kelley had, that was Allie sitting next to me!”
Kim adds that Erik is very well liked and is seen as extremely charismatic to others in Heaven. She also commented that Erik is going to be very tangible in dreams. She’s amazed how he already has so much control and power over his energy despite his recent arrival. She says, “This much electrical power is astonishing!”
Next, I asked Erik if he was more comfortable in the spiritual plane than the physical plane, and he answered, “Yes, it was like having pain all the time like with a migraine or an abscess. I found some peace in Norway, but all the peace I found was fleeting. That’s why I always jumped from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. That’s why I didn’t stick with anything long-term. The pleasure or enjoyment or stimulation it gave me was always so fleeting. I would start feeling pain again and then I’d jump to something else.”
Kim then started to get choked up and said, “I see Erik getting on his knees, his hands together as if pleading, and tears are streaming down his face. He’s begging you to forgive him for what he’s done.”
I plan to practice channeling Erik on my own. If this goes well, I will urge anyone who has lost a loved one to develop their own skill, too. Apparently, everyone has the ability to channel those on the other side, including their own guides. Maybe this will give hope to other parents who have suffered what I believe is the ultimate tragedy, losing a child. If I can establish a relationship with my son in the afterlife, so, too, can they.
I urge everyone to read about the scientific evidence for the existence of an afterlife, the survival of consciousness after death, the fact that we live many lives, and other matters I once considered the domain of quacks and charlatans. I recommend two books in particular. One is entitled “The Hidden Domain.” This deals with the quantum physics of the soul, consciousness, thought, and the “other side.” You have to digest each page slowly, because it’s pretty heavy stuff! The second book is entitled, “The Afterlife Experiments.” Here, you’ll read about experiments that are performed using strict scientific methods to establish the fact that consciousness, and therefore the soul, does survive after death and communication with departed souls is possible.
Through the medium, Kim O’Neill, Erik shared volumes of information about death, but I wanted to start by letting him know that, although I would like to channel him on my own, my grief makes it difficult to have the quiet mind necessary to hear him. Here’s his response:
“I’m just going to have to talk louder than your grief! Your grief is causing a lot of static. It’s like if we were at a water park, we’d have to talk louder to hear each other.”
‘Can you do that, Erik?’ I ask.
‘But how will I know it’s you and not a conversation I just make up in my mind?’
“Because you know me, Mom. You know the way I talk. You know my sense of humor. I’m gonna say, ‘Mom it’s me,’ and you’ll know it’s me. You’re going to be able to feel the difference between your grief, your head talk and me. And I’ll talk louder than your head talk so you’re probably gonna have to tell me to keep it down a notch CUZ I’M GOING TO BE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY! Here’s my plan for now. I’m going to be coming to you in dreams, lucid dreams. So I’m coming to you first. In the morning, you’re going to have total recall about what we talk about, usually. If you don’t, when you go to the computer and start typing. It’ll just come out.”
I ask, ‘How often can you come to me?’
“Any time I damn well please!” he says jokingly.
‘Well then, how often do you think that can be?’ I ask this because I want so desperately to have him with me all the time. It’s funny; when a person is around, you feel okay about seeing them only sporadically. It’s no big deal if they go away on a trip for a week or two and hang out with friends more than home, but when they die, they become the center of your every thought and emotion. You want them to be around you, communicating constantly.
Erik goes on to say, “Well, I’d like to come every night the day before you wanna write something the next day.”
That, of course, means I will be determined to write daily. Communicating in dreams, however, is one thing, but feeling their touch is another. So I ask, ‘How can I better feel your presence?’
Erik assures me by saying, “I’ve been working on building my ability to manipulate physical matter on the earthly plane. Every time we pass away and our soul goes to heaven, we’ve gotta work on our ability to expand our electrical energy so that, if we want to, we can move material objects; we can really make our presence known in the most tangible way possible—to materialize, to touch others, and to have them feel it. That’s what I’ve been working on. So, what I’m going to do is this: I’ll come up and hug you; I’ll touch your arm and you’ll know it’s me; I’ll come up and give you a kiss on the cheek, and I’m going to rub your hair. I’m going to put my hand on top of your head and rub your hair back and forth just like I used to do. Remember how it used to piss you off when I messed up your hair like that?” (He laughs really hard for several seconds. Of course, now, I’d give anything for him to have my hair in a rat’s nest all the time.) “And when you drive you’ll hear me saying ‘Mom, go faster’ or ‘it’s yellow, you can make it; you can make it; go through the light.’”
‘Yeah, I remember what a backseat driver you were, Erik!’ I respond with a chuckle.
He laughs and says, “Yeah, it was easier to be a backseat driver with you than with Pappa, huh? You took it better than he did! And Mom, this is what you’re going to write about in a book: How parents can rise above the grief to actually be able to feel and hear and be aware of their kid around them. You’re also going to be smelling me, Mom. It’ll be the smell like I’ve been working outside, kinda like a sweaty guy smell.” Ah, how well I remember that scent. It wasn’t objectionable to me a all; it was just a sign of how much he loved working outside on cars, bikes, and his welding.
Erik continues with, “Mom, you did everything you could. The problem was I didn’t listen to you. I thought all that stuff was a bunch of bullshit, but now I know! Oh my God, if only, if only, if only. I created something that was much more stressful than it was supposed to be. Even when I had the gun in my hand, it was like should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I? It happened so fast that my guardian angels couldn’t do anything to stop it. They tried to get other people to call or come over, but there wasn’t enough time.”
Just before his death, his older sister, Kristina, experienced something that gives Erik’s statement credence. She says, ”I had been reading about learning disabilities and suicidality in children/teens for my behavioral science course, and I of course was thinking about him the whole time that morning. I got a strong urge to pick up my cell phone and text him ‘I love you’ for no apparent reason at all. But it was in my purse in the other room and I didn’t go get it. I feel remorseful about that.”
On the day of his death, Erik’s younger sister, Annika, and his Aunt Teri recall passing by his room as they walked down the hall to go to the lunch we had planned. In fact, their encounters occurred within ten minutes of his death. They both claimed they saw him sitting at his desk, staring ahead solemnly. Oh, how they wished they had recognized his sadness and stopped to comfort him! In retrospect, these three incidents were most assuredly his guides’ attempts to muster our help and intervention.
Yet Erik reassures us as he continues, “I know you knew it was a possibility this would eventually happen, Mom, but there was nothing you could have done beside worry and do all the stuff you did to help me. Did you know a third of parents around the world have kids who are suicidal? I know that now. You need to let other parents know that too.”
‘Could you tell me more about what it’s like to die, Erik?’ I ask.
“I literally felt no pain. I felt no pain. Mom, it’s really important to put that down because a lot of kids die in accidents like car accidents or motorcycle wrecks. Some have been murdered; some have drowned. Even if a child has died of a heart attack or cancer, the parent is always going to worry about the pain and suffering they might have had during death. But tell everyone there is no pain. My soul popped out of the body at the moment of my death. I truly felt nothing. You know, Mom, I’m going to be totally honest with you about everything. I felt this shocking, this immediate sense of peacefulness, happiness, euphoria. It was stunning. I felt like I was floating, like I was levitating. After my soul popped out of the body, at that moment, I heard a shot. I can’t gauge the time.
“I was feeling this awesome euphoria and enjoying it and it then it was as if this invisible hand was telling me ‘look there, look down.’ So I looked down and I thought, ‘holy shit’ and I realized it was me. For a couple of seconds I wondered, ‘how can I be there and be here too?’ And then I realized, ‘Ooooh, it’s my soul! This is my soul! Then I came into this overwhelming knowing about who I really am, all of my past lives. At that moment I could understand what you were trying to help me heal from in those past lives. I got this immediate knowing and I was like, ‘Oh, oh, that’s what Mom was trying to help me with. Wow, she knew!’ I could see you for who you really are, I could see Pappa for who he really is, and Lukas, Kristina, Michelle and Annika, everybody, everybody—family, friends, everyone on the earthly plane. I could see them for who they really are. This knowing was rapturous. I know that’s a word I wouldn’t use on the earthly plane so I’ll say this so you’ll know it’s really me, ‘It was fucking rapturous!’ I all of a sudden had all this wisdom and I thought, ‘Aaawww, why didn’t I have all this when I was there?’ Then I realized I could have. I could have.
“Mom, that’s where you’re headed. You are going to feel this knowingness, this peace in this lifetime, and then you’re going to teach everybody else in the family. You’re going to feel neutral, objective about the choices other people make. It’s a lot easier being in spirit because you can see someone else’s destiny even when they make choices that change that destiny. Spirits can immediately be neutral and not judge themselves or others.”
“So of course I already told you what happened when I saw all the mess I made. I knew you were going to find me and that was not my goal. I didn’t think. Once I pulled the trigger I couldn’t change my mind. I felt this horrible sense of loss knowing what you guys were gonna feel and I had my own sense of loss, scared, real scared that you guys weren’t going to be able to pick up on me. I was real frightened about it. Then I had this tragic feeling of grief knowing you were gonna find it, Mom. I knew it. I felt this impossible to describe sense of remorse. Maybe it was even more grief than you feel, Mom, because I did it. I did it. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew I would have to have therapy because of it. So you know I went to Norway right away to see Bestefar (his grandfather), but my guide made me come back and watch when you found me. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, seeing you break down in my lap, sobbing. My guide made me look at what pain I caused for you. It was unbearable.” (Here, Kim, again describes him kneeling, hands together as if begging, tears streaming down his face asking for forgiveness.)
“Then I felt this pulling, this pulling like a gravitational pull and I heard this “zinnnggg” and all of a sudden I was standing there in front of a whole bunch of other spirits and I recognized them all! There were hundreds of them. I was like ‘Oh, there’s Aunt Sophie; there’s my brother from the Middle Ages,’ I could recognize everybody from all my past lives and my brother from this lifetime.” (I had lost a baby during my 24th week of pregnancy. It was a boy. We named him, Seth. It happened around 16 years ago, so Kim could not have known Erik had a brother on the other side.)
“There was this big table where everybody was going to sit down…like a family dinner. There was a lot of music, there was a lot of laughing. Oh, and, Mom, I asked four souls from your soul group who aren’t part of your life now if they could help you through all this. I want to do something to help the family. I want to be able to do something for you guys. If there is anything at all I can do to help anyone in the family, please let me know, and I’ll do everything I can. I want to feel like I’m still part of the family. Ask me to do stuff. I can’t exactly take out the garbage but… Spiritual being can move physical objects just as well as you guys.”
‘Okay,’ I joke, ‘I’ll get a chore list together for you!’
Erik laughs, then continues, “Mom, you’re going to notice things have been done, and you’ll ask other people ‘Did you do that?’ ‘Did you do this?’ and they’ll say ‘no’ and you’ll know it was me!” I found that so comforting. Proof of his presence is crucial. I don’t want to feel like I’ve really lost my little boy forever. That would be too much to bear.
“Okay, let’s get back to what happened next,” I prod. Erik was always easily distracted, just like his mom.
“Oh yeah, right, Well, I was at this big long table, and I felt dazed. I was still euphoric, but I was dazed. It’s like one minute I was in my physical body and the next minute I was a free spirit without physical limitations, and I kept asking, ‘I’m really a spirit, right? I mean, I don’t get to go back to that lifetime; I’ve let that lifetime go?’ Then I started “the review.” Nobody did the review but me. I was sitting at the table. Uh, I was sitting there and everyone was talking about how happy they were that I’m back. No matter how we pass, we’re always welcomed back with open arms. Everyone is always thrilled to see us again. Anyway, so I’m sitting at the table, and I’ve got my elbows on the table. I’ve got my head in my hands and I’m reviewing my life. I started sobbing when I remembered being a little boy and you calling me your ‘little man’ and doing things with me and telling me what a big man I’m gonna be. I’ve taken all of that away. Those were the worst moments of the review. I want to thank Pappa for treating me like an adult. Pappa, you treated me like an adult for as long as I can remember. Thanks, Pappa; that meant a lot to me.”
“So I finished my review and I considered what I could have done that I didn’t; what I did do that I shouldn’t have. I don’t know how long the review took. I didn’t mark time. No one here marks time. But it didn’t take long, because the candles were still burning on my cake, my “welcome home” cake. Then I felt this heaviness, this real emotional heaviness. I was approached by this female soul who offered to counsel me; she offered me therapy. So I’ve been going to therapy. She’s not only helping me understand why I did it, why I took my life, but how I can go back to the earthly plane with this heaviness added to the healing I was supposed to do this lifetime without doing the same thing again. Wow, Mom, if I could have seen what I was healing from (in past lives,) no wonder I was so fucking depressed and angry. No wonder, Mom!”
“I want you to let other people know that we have lots of company here. A lot of parents who have lost kids worry that their kid is all alone, but it’s not that way. We imagine what we want to eat, and it’s right there. We live where we want; we live how we want; we don’t feel hot or cold. Thought creates reality much faster here. It happens in an instant.”
I only booked an hour with Kim, so, sadly, it was time to wrap things up. I ask him, ‘Okay, I’m running out of time, but do you have anything else you want to say about what it’s like to die?’
“Shit yeah, tons but don’t worry, I’ve written it all down. We can cover it later.”
Erik writing things down? Could it be? That might just be the biggest transformation of all! I can hear him laughing in agreement.
In this video, Erik shows his beautiful sensitive side I adore so much. Ironically, he talks about teaching his niece, Arleen, how to shoot and at the end of the video, I’m wearing the same shirt I wore when I found Erik dead. Now, it’s in the bottom drawer in my closet covered with blood. I don’t know why I can’t throw it away. I guess it’s the only physical thing I have left of him.
Me: Here’s one from a blog member. “I would like to ask Erik what we can do to help our loved ones come through to us. I’ve read that when we’re depressed, it blocks the connection, but it’s such a brick wall! How do you drop the grief to get the message? I know my loved ones are safe and in a wonderful place, but their physical absence hurts. I know we all here know this anyway, but how about a few 101 lessons on helping us dudes on this plane lift the veil to hear them.” You know, to get past that grief that makes it so difficult to, uh, our vibrations are so much lower, in other words, than y’all’s so it’s hard for y’all to meet us halfway.
Erik: Yeah. First of all, I’d say stop judging yourself that the way that you’re grieving is wrong or that you need to be doing something better. If you take off that burden or that weight that maybe you’re not doing it right or you’re doing it too much or that your friends don’t want to hear you bitch and complain about the sadness of the loss again and again and again. You know, if you just stop doing that shit—that judging crap—than you’ll find out that when you go to grieve it feels really good to do it. And then pretty soon it’ll just kind of lighten and lighten and lighten up. But—
Jamie: He puts his head in his hand. Like on his forehead. He throws his head down. Oh, I say, ‘Is your brain hurting because you’re thinking so much?’
We both giggle.
Jamie: And he says, “No, I was just trying to find that really clear definition of if you’re fully depressed, then you need chemical help or you need physician or therapy help. Like you can’t just grieve on like you are.
Me: Yeah. Yeah.
Erik: Like if you’re doing this shit for more than six months and you’re not getting enough relief, then you need to march your ass where you’re going to see a doctor or someone to help you set up a plan to feel better. But if you find out what you’re doing by the step of removing the judgment and how should I grieve—what’s right, what’s wrong, and you just start grieving the way you need to, just be honest with how you feel—
Me: Mm hm.
Erik: —and you find relief in that, and it gets better and better, and you find some smiles start sneaking in, then you’re on the right path. Keep doing it. Some people, man they make—
Jamie (to Erik, laughing): Great visual.
Jamie (to me): The visual is they put a garden in their front yard, and all of a sudden this person’s garden has flowers in six weeks. The whole thing. Where the other person’s doesn’t get flowers until a year later.
Me (with solemn realization that that person is me): Yeah.
Erik: Timing is unimportant. As long as you are seeing a success in having joy come into your life, that’s the goal. The more joy you get, the easier it is to become a reciprocal—
Jamie (giggling): Recipient! I knew I had it wrong! Sound it out, Jamie! I think I took giggle pills today.
Me: I think we all did!
Jamie: Phew. Okay, going back. C’mon. You lost me, Erik. Go back.
Erik: If more smiles are coming in, then it’s going to be easier for them to feel their loved one around in a positive way rather than it triggering, “Oh, I have that loss to deal with all over again.” It’s going to trigger, “Oh, look, now I have this way to figure out how this new relationship’s gonna work.”
Me: So are you saying, uh, would just simply smiling when you feel grief be one of the simple things we can do to help raise our vibration for example?
Erik: Yeah. Well, yeah, you can fake the smile.
Me: Yeah. Fake it till you make it.
Erik: Yeah. You could, uh, right then and there, be really honest with how you feel, even if it’s a bunch of horrible words. Embrace ‘em. Love ‘em. Tell yourself you’re doing the right thing for you.
Erik: And once you start doing that, you’ll actually start to feel better, because the body’s like, “Why am I crying? Nobody’s there holding my hand. Am I just crying to listen to myself? Then you’ll have this internal dialogue with your ego, and we all love doing that, right? So much fun!
I can detect a tiny note of sarcasm here.
Erik: That’s probably when you need to go get high.
Jamie and I laugh.
Me: Nice segue.
Erik: You’re welcome. But then you recognize that often grief is there because your ego is hurting, and you’re actually really okay with the person’s death. It’s just that your ego is screaming so hard that you’ve been wronged or that you’re not being acknowledged as a victim or that you’re not getting the energy that you need. Then you need to ask why are you such a pussy that you can’t stand up and ask from your friends and family about the way you need to be treated.
Erik: You know?
Erik: Cuz some people will just stay in that victim pattern, “Poor me; poor me. I lost my husband. I lost this, and now my whole life is changed.” Well that’s fine if you’re figuring it out and shit, but if you’re getting six months past, you know or a year into it or four or five or six years, why is it that that type of energy is working for you? You need to know why? You need to ask yourself, because that’s the only one who’s going to give you the answer.
Me: Mm hm. That’s true.
Erik: And then, I always say, if you don’t like something, change it. You know, change isn’t always that easy. Maybe you start crying again, and you realize you don’t like crying anymore.
Erik: It’s not fitting you. It’s not suiting you. It’s not getting the release out, and so you tell yourself to stop crying, and you start coming out of it, but then later in the day you do it again or three days later it happens again. And that change just takes a little discipline. But you do it only when it stops giving you the relief you need. And you gotta find that supplement. Maybe you don’t like that crying anymore and maybe you found a lot more release and a lot more satisfaction in writing. So, when you start to cry, grab your pen and paper. What you’ll recognize is that the crying will go away and you’ll start journaling and getting that energy.
Yesterday was an exciting day at the Medhus household. My sister, Laura, was all alone in my house watching television when she heard someone jiggling a key to open the front door. She figured it was just one of my kids coming in to do their wash. Then she heard footsteps, but not the usual, “Hello, Aunt Laura.” She peered around the stairway to see the door wide open, none of my kids in sight. Of course, she ran outside and called her husband. When I arrived moments later, I called the police. They said the neighborhood had been plagued with burglaries of this nature recently, especially when no cars are seen in the garage or driveway, true in our case. They searched every room and outside, then told us it appeared only one room upstairs had been burglarized. It looked like a girl’s room. I reassured them that the bedroom belonged to my teenaged daughter and that she usually had clothes strewn all over the floor, so yes, if a room that appeared to be carpet-bombed was the same as one that had been burglarized, I was not surprised by their conclusion. It usually looks like Victoria secret vomited all over her room.
I spoke to Erik that day and he said that it was one man on foot. He fled because he wasn’t expecting a person to be inside the house and intended to go inside, take a few things, then leave. Apparently he used a $2.00 “bump key”. You can order these online, and it’ll get you into any house unless you have a high security lock. Needless to say, we changed our lock to one of those.
Okay, enough of that. Let’s see what Erik has to say about palatal delights in the ethers.
Me: Someone asks this question, “What is Erik saying about food in Heaven and food in the physical plane? Is food in Heaven bland? I thought if colors in Heaven are more vibrant there that the food would be tastier.”
Erik: Now, c’mon. The taste is way more incredible in Heaven, but it’s not as if we’re fixing a plate of food, and we’re cutting it up, and we’re putting it in our mouths. It’s just not the way it goes. We don’t really need meals.
Erik: So, if you want a reminiscence—
Jamie stumbles horribly over the word, so Erik teases her.
Jamie (to Erik): Just shut up.
Me: I don’t know how to say these things half the time either.
Jamie (in a sulky tone): He’s teasing me!
Erik: If you want a reminiscence of the food you had on Earth, you can create that if you’d like: macaroni and cheese, pizza, and it taste like you recall it, but we do have tastes here that are not associated with the tastes on Earth. There’s more of an electric taste.
Erik: Like, um, not really a metallic, but an electric taste, and—
Me: What do you mean?
Me (giggling): Like sticking your tongue in an electric socket or what? That doesn’t sound very tasty at all!
Erik (laughing): Yeah, the human body won’t handle that very well. No, when the flavor comes into the body, because most of what spirits do is they digest the energy that’s around them. It’s not about sitting down and eating and nurturing the body, because we don’t have a physical body. We have a spiritual one—and energetic body. We use and consume energy, and it can be done in different ways. It can be emotional energy, environmental energy, or, you know, you can pretend you’re living on Earth again and pretend to eat food to have energy.
Me: Okay. How interesting.
Erik: But the way the energy moves through the body is much like how electricity does. It has a conduit. Let’s pretend like if it touches your tongue you can feel it in your toes. The energy moves through your body, and you can feel it almost like an electrical current. It has different sensation to it.
Me: Okay. Now, this blog member goes on to ask another question. This may be early on when you didn’t know how to create tastes and sensations and textures in your mouth right after your transition, Erik. Are you saying you miss having a full gut or stomach, because the sensation of, well, almost pain from a full gut can’t be experienced there? He or she says, “I’m confused. I only ask, because I love food, especially a double-double animal style burger from In and Out!”
Jamie belly laughs.
Me: But Erik, you can create that sensation of a full stomach, right? You can create any sensation you want, even belly pain.
Erik: Hell, yeah.
Me: So, there are tastes there in Heaven just like there’s colors in Heaven that do not exist here on Earth.
Me: Okay. I’d hate to think that the food in Heaven is not as tasty as it is here! That’s what I told the blog member. I said you can create any taste you want. And with that you can add the texture, the smell, the visual, the associated emotions and memories, and you can feel it throughout your entire energetic body.
Erik: Yay, Mom. You remember me telling you that before!
Me: Oh, really? We’ve already talked about what I just said?
Erik: That taste here has many layers. Yep. And the spirit in your energy field can experience it, too. Any spirit right next to you, I mean.
Me: Without those pesky calories.
I have a quick question: Do any of you know of a good past life regressionist somewhere in or near Houston? It can be anywhere in Texas if need be.
Before we close, I’d like to share this Abraham/Hicks YouTube entitled “From Grief to Joy.” If you still mourn the loss of a loved one, it’s worth watching. I did and ordered the DVD on Amazon afterwards.This is just an excerpt.
Note: In this session, Erik needed the help of my guardian angel, Veronica.
Me: Alright, I’d like to get a little clarification on the concept of evil and demonic spirits. I’ve had some tell me there is no evil, that all is Love and all is good. So, are we dealing with semantics here? Are there evil or demonic spirits, and can they harm us?
Veronica: So just as there is light and dark, there is good and evil. This is a battle that’s been going on from the beginning. They CAN harm if one allows them in, and they have already caused harm to the earth and people.
Erik: Where do you think serial killers and other beings that do horrible things throughout history—
Me: Is it some fabrication? I mean, I thought that God is really All There Is and that the Light is all there is. Of course we need the duality, so are evil and fear-based elements sort of fabricated as a tool so that, through contrast, we can become aware of who we are and so that God can experience Herself or Himself?
Veronica: It’s hard to explain. It’s one of those things you find out when you come over here to the other side. Now, Erik’s going to speak.
Erik: From my perspective, Mom, you know that I used to watch what went on in the world and around me. My way of thinking wasn’t like everyone else’s. So I saw a lot of contradictions. A lot of them.
Me: Yes, I know. You said the same thing through Kim and Jamie.
Erik: I saw a lot of sadness, but joy too. I saw kindness and cruelty. I just couldn’t live with all that bullshit. People would be nice one day then mean the next. They’d be pleasant to my face but say such shit behind my back. I felt off-balance all the time.
Me: I know, Baby. I know.
Erik: Not from you, but—
Me: No, I know. I totally understand, Sweetie. You were so kind to everyone and it was hard for you to grasp why people could be so cruel in return. I definitely saw that conflict within you.
Veronica: Back to what you said, you’re right. You’re right in that part of it was for us to come willingly to seek out love and kindness and joy.
Me: Yeah, but you can’t see it if it’s right in front of you without contrast. I guess we have to slog through the dark forest to get to the sunlit meadow.
Erik: And to answer your original question, Mom, everything is just a gradation of good or of Light. What you call evil or demonic is just at the lower end of the spectrum.
Me: That confirms what you said through Jamie.
Erik: Yeah, I know, but I’m still learning about all this. It’s pretty deep shit.
Erik and I laugh.
Me: Are there such things as shadows—dark energies that follow someone and prevent them from succeeding?
Me: Really? Why?
Erik: I like to call them attachments. They’re ghosts, which are spirits who haven’t crossed over into other dimensions. They remain on the earthly dimensions.
Jamie listens to Erik, and then laughs.
Jamie (to Erik): I don’t know if we can use that one.
Erik: Let’s take a fatty.
Jamie (to Erik): Use a different example.
Erik: Okay, let’s use an alcoholic. If it’s a ghost was an alcoholic while they were living and you went to a bar and you’re a good drinker, they can attach to you and enjoy that sensation. Now let’s say you’re done with being an alcoholic, but the attached entity is not. They are feeding you energy that supports you being a drunk.
Me (sarcastically): Oh, great!
Erik: You are fighting to be sober, but it’s not working. You’re in conflict.
Me: How do you get rid of them?
Erik: It’s really important that you learn how to know—is it your issue, or is it a bigger issue than yourself? Is it an attached entity?
Me: How can you find out, and how can you get rid of them if that’s the issue?
Erik: Well, if you’re not spiritually inclined yourself, then you need to go to someone who knows.
Jamie: I just wouldn’t go somewhere where you have to pay an arm and a leg and the person says, “Oh, you have to come back three times.”
Erik: Yeah, people get wrapped up in the voodoo galore crap. You got someone attached to you? All right, tell them to leave! You set boundaries. You wash yourself; you cleanse yourself; you change your line of thinking so you don’t give your power to what you considered the little voice inside your head as being enlightened, because it’s an attached entity. What? Are you asking this for the first time?
When he talks about washing and cleansing yourself, I’m sure he must be talking about energy rather than the physical body.
Me: I know. My bad.
Erik: I love you.
Me: I love you, too, you little rapscallion!
Just a reminder: This coming Thursday, Jamie and Erik are hosting the next channeling conference call for grieving parents. Jamie can only accommodate six, so sign up soon if you’d like to communicate with your beloved son or daughter. From my own personal experience, I can’t express enough how healing this can be. If you want to register for the call, click on the link below:
Before we begin this typical Erik topic, I’d like to make a few announcements:
1) I’m very excited about the response to the San Diego event. If anyone has any questions, please ask them in the comment thread or email me at email@example.com. I know one reader asked about bringing children along. I’m not sure about the answer to that, but I bet there are age restrictions. I can forward Jamie’s assistant if you all want to email me your specific situation. Another reader asked how many would be in attendance. All I really know is that Jamie can’t take more than thirty. The main thing: It’s going to be a fun and life-changing experience. That’s the adjective that everyone seems to use after these events.
2) I’m almost finished transcribing the Buddha interview. Wow, how amazing it is. As soon as we interview a religious figure from one more faith, we’ll be able to make public all the YouTubes: Jesus, Moses, Buddha, etc. Words just don’t do them justice.
3) I spoke with Jamie today about the grieving parents session. She wants to keep the groups no larger than six or seven because she feels like more time is needed for parents to communicate with their sons and daughters. It’s so intimate and emotional. She’s also considering hosting such sessions every couple of weeks if there’s enough interest. Here are some questions you might consider asking:
a) Are you happy?
b) Who was there when you passed?
c) Do you have any messages for me, your siblings, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.?
d) Was it your destiny to dies when and how you did? If so, why?
e) Was your death painful?
f) Did we have some spiritual contract and was if completed/honored?
g) Was there anything I could have done?
h) How can I best communicate with you?
i) How can I help you?
j) Have you been trying to communicate with me? If so, how?
k) Did you like your memorial service? What did you like about it?
l) Why did you do it? (if the death was by suicide)
m) Did we share a past life that most influenced the one we had this last life?
n) Was I a good mother/father?
o) Do you have a life’s work there?
p) Who are you with? Who do you hang out with?
q) Can you describe your afterlife?
r) Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
s) What do you do for fun there?
t) When I grieve, is it sometimes because you are nearby?
I could go on and on. If I think of any other questions, I’ll let you know. If you think of questions, please feel free to make comments, because it will help those parents who grieve their loss. Now, let’s see what Erik has to say today. This came from a two-part question.
Me: Erik, your individuality is very much intact in the afterlife as is everyone we’ve interviewed. If you were to reincarnate back to the Earth as another person or individual, what happens to the current individuality? Is it replaced by your new, reincarnated identity?
Erik (in a smart ass, sugary tone): Tell the kind reader—
Jamie and I laugh hard.
Erik: Tell the kind reader—
Jamie: Oh, Erik! He’s being silly, okay? So—
Erik: —that my personality as Channeling Erik has become so big that no matter if I reincarnate or not, it won’t trump the mark of this personality that has been created.
Me: God, Erik! You sure are too big for your breeches, Mister Man! Maybe you need to be taken down a notch or two!
Jamie: That’s definitely how it sounds, how he’s coming out with it.
Erik: Think about it. We’ve had these other lifetimes, so those personalities, they’re not dead. Let’s just remember for a second –TIME IS NOT LINEAR.
Me: Right, right.
Erik: If time were linear, we truly would have an ending to what was created.
Me: Um hm.
Erik: But it’s not. Just because our souls divide as we have these lifetimes and these occurrences, right? That doesn’t mean that we are lesser than or that we’re getting smaller than our existence used to be. If I reincarnate, which has already been done, I already have future lives—if we’re looking at time as linear—and look, I’m still here.
Erik: I mean, it’s already happened! I’m still here!
Me: Are you reincarnated on Earth right now in terms of our linear existence on this plane—in our lifetime?
Erik: No, it won’t be in your lifetime.
Me: Okay, because if you were I’d try to track you down!
Erik: Punch it up!
(I have no idea what that means.)
We all laugh.
Me: When we pass over to the afterlife, are we able to interact with the souls and spirits of the various individuals we’ve been in the past?
Me: Okay. Amber wants to ask you this question, Erik: “My question for Erik would involve himself. He seems to have so very, very quickly freed himself up to do the sterling work”—I hope this doesn’t make you, you know, even more pompous than you already are! Are you pompous now, Erik, or are you still the humble Erik that I’ve always known?
Erik (laughing): No, no, no, no! I’m still humble. I just play the role of being pompous.
Me: Okay, good, good. Okay let’s see, “To do the sterling work for humanity and want to help his mom with her grief so that she can share this work with him. So, I just don’t know how it is. My dad went over two years ago and said that he was in the spirit world learning. I guess that someone like him, who didn’t believe in the afterlife, adjustment would be harder than for someone who did.” So, I guess she wants to know why you so quickly evolved to be this person doing all of this humanitarian work, and other people who have passed over haven’t evolved to that degree. I guess—
Erik: It was my purpose!
Me: Okay, so it was your purpose; other people have different purposes.
Erik: It was totally my path and my purpose, yeah. With some people, their path is a little more personal.
Erik: And with mine, it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be as quiet as when I was on Earth.
Me: Oh gosh, you were quiet.
(This is so true. While he was “alive”, Erik was so quiet, so under the radar and, well, invisible, really.)
Me: And of course there are probably countless others who are doing work on a grander scale like you, Erik.
Erik: Sure! Of course.
Me: Anything else on that?
Erik: I’m not a pompous asshole.
Me: Well that’s good to hear, Sweetie. I can’t imagine you being so, because you never ever were.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I sure enjoyed a day of rest Sunday. I pretty much did nothing. Not even contemplate my navel. But I have discovered one thing in my respite: Being idle is not always easy for those of us who grieve. That empty space seems to suck up the darkness, the memories we try to shake off, the wishes for what should have been. But as much as I try to run and run on my little hamster wheel to escape all of that, quietness of the mind is a necessary evil. Unless you succumb and allow the waves of darkness to wash over your heart and away, it’s only going to crash against the dam just out of reach, taunting you without mercy.
I miss Erik so, so much. Sometimes I forget that when I see him as a font of spiritual insight rather than the little boy who I nurtured and loved and taught and scolded and fed and played with. It’s hard.
I know some of you are going to take umbrage in this post, particularly if you perceive it through a lens of fear. That said, I hope you consider the events to come as a renewal, a rebirth into a new spiritual era. (That’s a lot more fun.)
Me: Okay. Here’s the last question. What should we expect to occur in the world in relationship to the Shift during the rest of this year?
Erik: Revving up? That kinda thing?
Me: Yeah. I guess so. I know a lot of people have had anxiety; there’s been an increase in suicides in teens, young adults and the elderly. So, what should we expect the rest of this year?
Erik: There’s going to be—
Jamie: I’m asking him questions, sorry.
Me: That’s okay.
Erik: There are going to be more deaths, and even people who are going to be just dense as a rock and can’t feel the Earth shifting—even they are going to have what they consider anxiety attacks, vibrations in the body, and this is the body changing it’s vibrational level. When it does that, it creates energy, and it has to extend itself—
Jamie: Is that the word?
Me: Yeah, I think that works.
Jamie: It can? Okay.
Me: Extend the energy. Yeah. Okay. Anything else on that?
Erik: What you can start seeing is also in animals, certain species completely going extinct, maybe not before the end of the year, though. We’re going to have a newer Earth. It is going to be mostly dominated by humans and less by animals than it is now. The hardship that this will create for us is that we’ll have to do a lot of tending to the Earth whereas the animals used to do it for us. That’s why I encourage people to learn about how to live green.
Me: And I guess we’ll still see these huge extremes in weather and geological events?
Me: Here’s an interesting question from a blog member: “I am curious if Erik has met or has knowledge of all the various Erik incarnations happening at the same time. Can Erik still influence the Erik that passed on in this latest incarnation?” I love that question. Can you, Erik? Can you meet and influence all of your incarnations past and present?
Erik (laughing): Damn that makes me sound like a super hero, doesn’t it?
Me: You’ll always be my super hero, Baby.
Erik: Yes, um, being in the spirit world where I am, I could go out and meet myself if I wanted to do that, but when you’re here, you kind of find that it’s not necessary, because you’re actually connected anyway.
Me: Oh, okay.
Erik: You pick up on it, but—
Me: Can you still influence the Erik—my Erik—before you passed on?
(Of course what I’m really asking is, ‘Can you prevent yourself from pulling that trigger so Mama can have her precious boy back.’)
I think, ‘Is that all ya got, Erik? Please give me more!’
Me: I mean, you could obviously save your own life or make changes to it so you wouldn’t be dead. How would that work?
Jamie: He’s kind of tugging at his hair on the side.
Erik: I knew you would go there.
Me: Yeah, yeah. No, I’m just trying to figure out, because then this life would be completely different for both of us and the family and of course our Channeling Erik family. It’s not supposed to happen, I guess.
Erik: That’s the thing, Mom. If it were an accident, then that kind of time travel shifting—you could come and change things and, you know, heal. But if it’s meant to be that way, then no, you can’t really shake it up that way.
Me (solemnly): Yeah. And you wouldn’t want to, or you couldn’t do it?
Erik: I wouldn’t want to. It’s not like we don’t really get in trouble, but we can!
Me: Ooo, principal’s office! But whom do you get in trouble with?
Erik: Our guides.
Me: Okay. Darn. Thought I’d ask.
Me: Okay. Now, someone brought to my attention that recently there have been some feet washing ashore in Vancouver, and they have tennis shoes on. Like a dozen disembodied feet. What is that all about. Kind of gross. Just sayin’.
Jamie: That is kind of gross! He’s talking about it being murder—
Me: Like a serial killer?
Jamie; Yeah, where they’re releasing the bodies in the same place each time, but it doesn’t look like a mass dumping. It looks like it’s been going back and forth for a little while.
Jamie: Two, three trips with several different people. But this is from a long period of time.
Me: Where are they dumping it, in Vancouver? Or maybe it’s from Japan?
Erik: Nope, not that far.
Me: Must be joggers since they all have tennis shoes on. That just proves my point that jogging is bad for your health!
Jamie: Especially in Vancouver!
Me: I know!
Jamie: He’s showing me it’s in that local area. It’s not from far away and washing up.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Blog member, Lynette, from Augusta, Georgia needs help from her Channeling Erik family. She has been recently diagnosed with uterine cancer and will be scheduled for surgery soon. Until then, she will not know what stage is it. Please send her as much healing energy as you can. She’s a lovely woman, and Erik has a very special fondness for her.
Here are several questions posed by readers back in September. Sorry about the lack of editing but I’ve been hit by a major grief tsunami. They come and go and are part of life’s landscape now. You know how that can be. No pity required. It just is what it is–and unwelcome houseguest that never leaves! Ugh.
Me: Okay, here’s another one. Very interesting. What’s up with spontaneous human combustion? Is that for real? You know how people just go “whoosh” and burst into flames?
Erik (laughing): I bet more than half of them is a fable or myth or story.
Me: What about the other half?
Erik: It’s a low number. Spontaneous combustion, like bursting into flames—
Me: Yeah, they just incinerate.
Jamie (fussing at Erik): Stop laughing, Erik, and tell us!
Erik: At the cellular level, the mitochondria—
Me: Oh my god, that just popped into my mind!
Erik: Yeah, those organelles just over work and it’s like getting a fever or being boiled. And when this trigger happens in the body, it does just that, and it has no place to go to except into flames, because it’s such a contained situation inside the skin of the body. Just like water being trapped in a sealed container, it’ll burst. The energy doesn’t have room to grow, so through that expression, it creates spontaneous combustion.
Me: Interesting. Okay, here’s another quick question. With our life review, we feel all of the feelings of those we’ve hurt, but what about with animals like pets and what about plants? Do we feel the pain and any of the emotions elicited when we harm them?
Erik: Get in line.
Erik: Absolutely every living thing. When you’re doing your life review—that’s what it is.
Me: Even if you accidentally step on little ants?
Erik (laughing): C’mon Mom! It’s kind of not like that. It’s not all or nothing.
Me: Good, phew!
Erik: But if you’re purposely frying them with a magnifying glass, then, Hell yeah, you’re going to feel everything they felt.
Me: So it only happens when you have the intent of doing harm.
Erik: Yeah, exactly.
Me: Amy N. wants to know if we should have our own Channeling Erik show on the Oprah Network with you, Jamie, Robert, Jason, Ryan, and the other Channeling Erik psychic mediums—oh, and of course you, Erik! Do you think that would be feasible and helpful to people?
Erik: Helpful? Hell, yeah! I can only imagine the hours they’d put it on. Midnight, one A.M.
Me: I know. So the world is probably not ready.
Erik: Yeah, you know that’s not gonna fly.
Me: Well, people better pull their heads out of their ass what with the Shift coming and all. Wait, John Edwards had that show, Crossing Over and it was very successful.
Erik: Yeah, but that dudes totally alive. What, you think they’re going to have a dead host on TV?
Me: Yes, actually! That’d be cool, different!
Jamie (giggling): He’s laughing!
Erik: You know what, I say go for it, talk about it, push it, but it’s not going to go for another several years.
Me: Okay, that’s fine. Now, Nancy J. wants to know if hemp extract could be a cure for cancer.
Erik: Yes it can. It’s not the end all, be all. You have to change the chemical belief in the head. The person’s perspective and the person’s belief have to get control of the cellular level of the body.
Erik: The reason I like the hemp is because you can smoke it, vaporize it, eat it, use it for oil, make it into clothes, whatever.
Me: So you can pretty much use it all.
Erik: Yeah, because that helps you get rid of some of the logical demon in the left brain hemisphere people carry around that says, “That’s bullshit.” It helps that person relax into that unicorn and rainbows world.
Jamie laughs hard.
Me: Awww! I just got an image of rainbows and unicorns and Skittles shooting out of someone’s butt. Great. That’s sooo gonna give me nightmares.
Erik: It’s gonna help you believe that, yes, you are capable of this and you do have the power to meditate and other things.
Nikki tipped me off to this wonderful lady who will take Erik’s (and of course other’s) o’d t-shirts and makes them into cozy quilts. Imagine wrapping yourself up in that kind of love! And it looks reasonable too–between $150 to $175! Her telephone number is (636)225-1967. I’m hoping Rune gets the hint and gets one made up for my Channeling Erik sanctuary and if we have enough t-shirts, one for my downstairs sofa so I can wrap myself up in his smell and cry from time to time. (Hint, hint: please don’t wash them first!)
The more we got into the interview the more I found his answers indirect and confusing. He often didn’t answer the questions in a concise and direct way, but this is the best he could do. As I transcribed this, I wondered if drugs can alter the energy of the soul in an adverse way, although it didn’t seem to have an adverse effect on Chris Farley, Bob Marley and others. Robert? Jason? Anyone else have any ideas? This entry, he was pretty clear, but as the interview progresses, you’ll see what I mean.
Me: Well, Erik, who should we interview next, Jim Morrison, JFK, Jr. or John Belushi?
Erik: The one that’s most eager and easiest to get a hold of is John Belushi.
Me (chuckling): Oh, okay! Go fetch, Boy!
Jamie: Yeah, go get him, Erik!
Jamie: That’s funny; he sort of looks like Marlon Brando.
Me: I don’t remember.
Jamie: Not the shape of his body. Just his face.
Me: I don’t know. I can’t even picture him. Didn’t he do the Samurai skits on Saturday Night Live?
Erik: Yes, Mom! I can’t believe you forgot!
Jamie: He’s here. He’s not as tall as I expected him to be, but he’s solid built, kinda chubby.
Me: Yeah, he had some meat on his bones.
Jamie: And scruffy! Don’t you shave up there, John?
John: Who needs to? Who am I trying to impress?
Me: Yeah, really! Hello John!
John: Hello, beautiful!
Me: Aw, you’re so sweet! Okay, I’d like to ask you some questions; you probably know the drill. Can you tell us what you believed in regarding death and the afterlife before you died?
John: Oh, I was spoon fed what my parents thought was best. What child isn’t? Isn’t that the purpose of having kids, so you can have a few puppets around?
Jamie and I laugh.
Jamie: You didn’t have any children, did you?
John: No, I didn’t get around to it.
Jamie: He’s talking about being orthodox. What do you mean, orthodox? Were you Jewish?
Me: Well, it could be Greek, you know. There are all sorts of orthodox religions. It just means conventional or traditional. They just really stick to the tenets without liberal interpretation.
Jamie: Yeah, he said it was very strict. He’s talking about being eastern orthodox.
Jamie: And he said some crazy word that starts with an A. Sounded like a sneeze!
Me: Oh, he was probably an Ashkenazi Jew!
Jamie: Ooo, say that again?
Me: I don’t know if I’m even pronouncing it right. Ashkenazi?
Jamie: No, it sounds like it has more syllables than that.
Me: Ashkenazi-wazi? I give up!
Jamie laughs hard.
Jamie: Oh my god, he loves that! No, it’s like “automobile” and then something else.
John: It wasn’t the most loving place you wanted to find yourself. It’s no surprise that I came out with much more of a dark side than a bright side.
Me (with sympathy): Aw, yeah. You mean because of your religious upbringing?
Me: Okay, so when you crossed over, how did those beliefs change?
John: I found that maybe humor was the way to really—
Jamie: He rubs his face and his hair when he talks.
John: I found that humor really was the way to celebrate life, and in celebrating life, you are celebrating God.
Me: Mm hm.
John: But I really found out that what I learned was a lot of bullshit.
Me: Ah oh!
Me: Okay, So what was your transition like for you? Was it peaceful, painful—
John: Hmm. Confusing. I really can’t compare peaceful or painful, because I really wasn’t raised in any other family. What my family was is what they were. They were survivors, and my dad always lived in survivor mode. It wasn’t really about loving or caring for your children; it was about teaching them how to survive.
Me: Oh, wow!
John: And when you end up in America, that natural instinct to survive is not as needed. It’s pampered out of you. But yet we didn’t get that nurturing that you see on TV with—
Jamie laughs at what he says before going on.
John: —the fucking Leave it to Beaver and things like that.
Jamie (to John): I always have to giggle when you guys cuss! I will grow out of it, I promise!
Me: Oh, no! Don’t grow up, Jamie!
Me: No, what I mean by transition is death. What was your death like?
John: There was a lot of drugs! Racing heart! Lights in my eyes! It was fireworks!
Me: Okay. What went on in your mind as you were dying and right after you crossed over?
John: Yeah, yeah, I thought that was the greatest high I had ever had! How amazing! I didn’t realize I had gone past the point of no return.
Me: Oh, I can see that happening.
John: I was still going! God, it just kept getting better and better, and then I realized I wasn’t coming off of it. Then I realized I didn’t have my body anymore, and I realized how much I had just been fucked.
Great news! The endlessly creative Endre Balogh is willing to offer his services to the Channeling Erik family. He will “angelize” you loved one for whatever amount you can afford. If you can’t afford anything, then you pay nothing. He sent me a metallic photograph of Erik and it’s stunning. Truly magnificent. Please check out his site.
Me: Very good! What are you up to? Getting ready for your big trip to Japan?
Jamie: I have one month before I take off.
Me: It’ll be here before you know it!
Jamie: I know! Oof! I just got back from California and Colorado.
Me: Wow, you’ve been quite the globetrotter!
Jamie: I was out two weeks for that, and it was very quiet! You know, I haven’t seen Erik in so long! Normally I get these random little visits and lately, nothing!
Me: He must be pranking other people; who knows?
Jamie: He’s been busy with you, is what he tells me.
Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been swamped with all sorts of crises, but that’s all over with for now. So, hi Erik!
Erik: Hi, Mom!
Me: I love you! Happy birthday, belated!
Jamie: Holy cow! Really?
Jamie: That’s spooky.
Me: Tuesday was his birthday, two days ago. Why?
Jamie: Really? Oh, man! Dude, I was just fixing the light bulb, and I was on a ladder, and he came in and I said, ‘Erik, don’t screw with me; I’m on a ladder.’ And he goes, “You know, you could tell me happy birthday!” So I say, ‘Why?’ I don’t know when his birthday is! But he didn’t tell me the date or if it was coming or past or whatever. I’m freaking out that you just said that!
Me: Very cool! He got a lot of well wishes from the blog members, so that’s good.
Jamie: Aww, how sweet!
Me: Now, my first question today is why do our deceased loved ones come to visit more at first, then their communication sort of wanes in frequency. For instance, Erik, when you died you used to come all the time with pranks, visits and smells, but now those visits haven’t been as frequent. I do get an occasional rank smell, but…
Erik: I think it’s for two reasons. It’s to help the person who’s passed over say goodbye and have closure and grieve—
Me: Well, why do you have to if you’re not really gone?
Erik: —and it’s to help the human say goodbye, and be comforted by the fact that we’re not totally dead.
Me: Okay, but what’s wrong with just visiting anyway, because we know you’re not gone. Why would you have to move on and have that separation?
Erik: A lot of people, that’s what they believe in. It can only work within the person’s belief system.
Me: Ah! On both sides of the veil, right?
Erik: Yep. That’s the sticky part.
Me: I see. Well, you can visit me any time you want!
My sister, Laura, and several blog members suggested I convert Erik’s room into a mediation room/sanctuary. I could put most of his nonessential belongings in storage and give some things away while keeping the important memorabilia to showcase in some way, museum style. The guitars, hats, riding equipment, and other things could be hung on the walls.
A 50 inch flat screen and comfy chair would be perfect for Rune and Erik to watch motorcycle races together on the SPEED channel. Maybe I could finally learn to channel Erik there or meditate and chill with him. I could have my phone sessions with Jamie and help her host the conference calls there. Perhaps Robert could hold his future radio interviews or channeling sessions in “The Erik Room, too. So many possibilities to lesson the pain, all thanks to you guys. What do you think? Any other suggestions?
I know I’ve been a bit remiss in sharing my state of affairs in the grief department, and in most cases, things like this would bore people to tears. But in this case, it’s important for fellow bereaved to share experiences to know that there are parallels. No one is going crazy here. There is a sense of unity, of community and commonality. We’re all in it together.
I’m learning that it’s sometimes hard to distinguish grief and depression. My EMDR is going well and nearing its completion. I can truly say it’s perhaps the most powerful experience I have ever had. EVER. I leave each session with my jaw dropped looking like some sort of fool and not giving a rat’s ass about that.
In the last session, among other things, I asked my therapist why I couldn’t grieve in my home. However, one foot across the threshold of the shrink’s office and the tears flow. The moment I flounce onto the EMDR therapist’s couch and I feel that familiar lump in my throat. I want to cry at home; I really do. The moment I finish my frenetic busy work, I feel the pressure building in my head: that dark black cloud of grief mixed with the panic that says, “Get it out!” I try to kick start it with a fake cry, but it comes off as, well, fake. I try to scream and it comes off as hollow. With a chuckle, I ask her if I can just move in with my tent and sleeping bag, and she agrees that it’s not all that practical. Then she asks, “Elisa, what’s different about these two places and your home.” Sobbing, I say, ‘I don’t know.’ “Yes you do,” she replies. I answer, ‘It’s where Erik killed himself.’ “And why do you think it’s hard to let out the grief there, Elisa?” she asks. I shake my head, unable to respond. ” I’m only suggesting this as a possibility, but do you suppose it’s because there’s already so much pain for you there?” I nod my head yes, knowing that this is the case. Thrse is no room to let out anymore grief in that place where so much horror and pain still lingers like a houseguest from Hell. Next time we’ll work on how to release some of that pain.
My last visit to my psychiatrist also solved a major problem, this time with my computer which had been acting erratically. Ever since I’ve been on Abilify, my laptop has developed a third cursor. Unfortunately, that cursor is my belly fat: fourteen pounds of it lopped over on my MacBook Pro track pad. Too bad, because it worked so well for my depression, but having two sisters with diabetes, I’m not taking any chances. Plus, looking in the mirror is depressing enough without adding 14 extra pounds, so there is the law of diminishing returns to consider.
So that’s my update. It’s meant not to elicit pity but to let you know that you are not alone.(If there are any typos, it’s not my fault. Blame on my extra lap pad. I’ve nicknamed him asshole.)
On October 6, 2009, my 20-year-old son Erik, took his own life. Since that sad and tragic day, an overwhelming sense of grief and despair propelled me into a search for answers. Answers that would provide me and others with comfort and hope. Some of those answers came from the many books I bought, but many came from an unexpected source…Erik, himself. read the story »
Then, I suggest you start with the very first post. In doing so you can follow my journey just as I did, through the inexplicable, inconceivable, and yet utterly undeniable surprises that I have encountered since my son''s death.