It’s been a long time since we’ve visited those posts where Erik talked about his own death and death in general. In this three part post, you’ll notice how different Erik is now compared to how he was then.
Grasping for contact of any sort with a lost loved one is natural. Years before, I would have considered channeling through a medium a little wacky, great fodder for jokes, even. But when Erik died, things I once doubted became urgent lifelines for me to cling to in hope. However skeptical at first, when I spoke to Erik through world-renown psychic, Kim O’Neill, I felt it was truly he. His personality, his wit, his manner of speaking, it was all Erik. Furthermore, she conveyed details she could not possibly have known such as the fact that he suffered from bipolar disease since he was 10 or 11 or the fact that he killed himself while sitting in a chair at his desk in his bedroom.
One of the first assurances Erik expressed was that we, his parents, did everything we could to prevent it. He said he had contemplated suicide for many years, really and just wanted to make certain he did it in a way that would ensure his passing. In recent months, he even researched all sorts of suicide methods on the Internet. Although he thought about taking an overdose of pills, one of his biggest fears was that he would survive, but remain impaired for the rest of his life. In the end, Erik felt shooting himself in the head assured him the biggest guarantee for “success.” Next, he had to choose a moment when he felt sure we would not be in the house when the gun went off. That opportunity would occur on October 6 during the ill-fated attempt to treat my sister, Teri, my daughters, Annika and Michelle, and my grand baby, Arleen to lunch.
Naturally, I asked him the heart-wrenching “why” of it all, and here’s what he had to say: “First, guys, I want you to know that you shouldn’t blame yourself. Dad, you’re better about that than Mom, but Mom, do not blame yourself. It is because of you that I lived to be the age that I did. It had nothing to do with school; it had nothing to do with the family; it had nothing to do with my health; I got real depressed when I was about 10 or 11. That’s when the bipolar disorder started. It would haunt me, haunt me. And it was real unpredictable; it would come and go. The lows were so terrible that I knew I wasn’t going to live to an old age. I just needed to figure out how and when to do it without killing you both with grief.” I asked him if, once he decided to take his life, he was afraid of dying and he replied, “Oh no! I was afraid of living!”
I also asked him what death was like, and he replied with great exuberance, “Oh, Mom, it was great, it was awesome; aw, it was fantastic. When my soul popped out of the body, awww! I didn’t feel any pain. One second I was sitting in my chair, and the next second my soul was out of my body and I was like, ‘this is so fucking great!’ I felt no pain or discomfort. I could fly. I felt happy; I felt joyous; I felt warm; I felt secure. That happiness, that joy was overwhelming. And I was flying around and flying around, then I looked down at my body, and I’m like ‘Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit.’ I was surprised by all the blood! I was so surprised! I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was just thinking about relief. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was going to look like! I wasn’t thinking about the clean up.” Then laughing heartily to himself, Erik announced, “Cleanup on aisle six!” Kim was a little shocked by his irreverent humor, but I assured her that this was very typical of him. This was very “Erik.”
He goes on to say, “Right after my soul popped out of my body, I heard the gunshot, and at first, I was a little confused to see my own body sitting in the chair. I thought, ‘Wait, I’m here. Why is my body down there?’ But then I realized I was a soul. I was really worried about what would happen when you found me, Mom, so I went to Bestefar’s house in Norway right away. After a while of hanging with him, though, I started to feel real, real, real sorry for what you guys were gonna find. The person I was most worried about was Michelle, because of all the people in the family, she’s the most sensitive. She’s the most vulnerable to being fucked up by something like that.” With a chuckle he added, “But don’t tell her I said that. I don’t want her to be pissed off at me. Mom, I knew you were going to be crushed, but I thought you would be able to deal with it if you knew I was going to be so much happier in spirit and that I was going to be with you. I’m with you all the time, but I’m in spirit and I’m happy. So you have a son who is with you in spirit and I’m safe and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I figured you would be able to understand that and accept it. I’m still with you. I’m with you all the time.” (All of this repetition left me with the impression that Erik was nervous about my reaction. This is exactly how he would talk if he came home after curfew or brought home a bad grade.)
I will continue to share Erik’s description of his death and his first moments in the afterlife, but this has all exhausted me. I need to rest and lick my wounds.
I’d like to dive in to where I left off in the first channeling session with Erik. As he mentioned, after he saw his body and voiced dismay at the “mess” he created and his concerns about how we would react when we found him, he escaped to Norway to visit his grandfather, Bestefar. I’ll get into the abilities of a soul later, including how they travel and manifest whatever they wish.
Once he was in Norway, he says, “I felt this magnetic pulling sensation, pulling, pulling, pulling me almost like a vacuum. And all of a sudden there I am, there I am! I started looking around and saw that Allie was there! Denise was there! Denise was right there in front.” (As mentioned early, Allie was one of Erik’s former girlfriends killed by an accidental gunshot wound to the head back in March 2009, and Denise was his aunt (my sister) who committed suicide to end years of suffering from the complications of diabetes.) Erik approached Denise, who was standing in front of the others and asked, “‘Did I go to Hell?’ She responded with a big laugh and said, ‘Because you see me?’ Then they both laughed and Denise added, ‘Erik, you idiot!’ They hugged and everyone else came up to hug him and welcome him back to Heaven. Denise told Erik she already knew what he was going to do and asked him if he could just stay for at least fifteen minutes to visit with them before he go back to check in on us.
At this point, Kim says Erik’s case is a “huge anomaly,” because under ordinary circumstances (if the word “ordinary” can ever be appropriate in this subject matter!) committing suicide before it’s your time to go is a big no-no. Souls that end their lives always have to go through some form of therapy in isolation to help them understand why they did what they did, how they forestalled their chance to work on certain issues, etc. But Erik didn’t have to go through all of these steps, meaning he is probably a higher level soul. (More about soul hierarchy later.) Instead, Erik met and mingled with his soul group, stayed for a short period of time, and then returned to Earth where he’s living with our family now.)
In the channeling session, Erik continues, “I wanted you to know I was there. Those are the orbs you saw in the pictures you took. That’s me! At first, souls materialize as balls of light and then later we can materialize in a form you can see. And that was me visiting Pappa in the dream where we were standing next to the truck. It was also me in the dream Popi (his maternal grandfather) had of me in his lap. And Mom, that dream Kelley had, that was Allie sitting next to me!”
Kim adds that Erik is very well liked and is seen as extremely charismatic to others in Heaven. She also commented that Erik is going to be very tangible in dreams. She’s amazed how he already has so much control and power over his energy despite his recent arrival. She says, “This much electrical power is astonishing!”
Next, I asked Erik if he was more comfortable in the spiritual plane than the physical plane, and he answered, “Yes, it was like having pain all the time like with a migraine or an abscess. I found some peace in Norway, but all the peace I found was fleeting. That’s why I always jumped from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. That’s why I didn’t stick with anything long-term. The pleasure or enjoyment or stimulation it gave me was always so fleeting. I would start feeling pain again and then I’d jump to something else.”
Kim then started to get choked up and said, “I see Erik getting on his knees, his hands together as if pleading, and tears are streaming down his face. He’s begging you to forgive him for what he’s done.”
I plan to practice channeling Erik on my own. If this goes well, I will urge anyone who has lost a loved one to develop their own skill, too. Apparently, everyone has the ability to channel those on the other side, including their own guides. Maybe this will give hope to other parents who have suffered what I believe is the ultimate tragedy, losing a child. If I can establish a relationship with my son in the afterlife, so, too, can they.
I urge everyone to read about the scientific evidence for the existence of an afterlife, the survival of consciousness after death, the fact that we live many lives, and other matters I once considered the domain of quacks and charlatans. I recommend two books in particular. One is entitled “The Hidden Domain.” This deals with the quantum physics of the soul, consciousness, thought, and the “other side.” You have to digest each page slowly, because it’s pretty heavy stuff! The second book is entitled, “The Afterlife Experiments.” Here, you’ll read about experiments that are performed using strict scientific methods to establish the fact that consciousness, and therefore the soul, does survive after death and communication with departed souls is possible.
Through the medium, Kim O’Neill, Erik shared volumes of information about death, but I wanted to start by letting him know that, although I would like to channel him on my own, my grief makes it difficult to have the quiet mind necessary to hear him. Here’s his response:
“I’m just going to have to talk louder than your grief! Your grief is causing a lot of static. It’s like if we were at a water park, we’d have to talk louder to hear each other.”
‘Can you do that, Erik?’ I ask.
‘But how will I know it’s you and not a conversation I just make up in my mind?’
“Because you know me, Mom. You know the way I talk. You know my sense of humor. I’m gonna say, ‘Mom it’s me,’ and you’ll know it’s me. You’re going to be able to feel the difference between your grief, your head talk and me. And I’ll talk louder than your head talk so you’re probably gonna have to tell me to keep it down a notch CUZ I’M GOING TO BE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY! Here’s my plan for now. I’m going to be coming to you in dreams, lucid dreams. So I’m coming to you first. In the morning, you’re going to have total recall about what we talk about, usually. If you don’t, when you go to the computer and start typing. It’ll just come out.”
I ask, ‘How often can you come to me?’
“Any time I damn well please!” he says jokingly.
‘Well then, how often do you think that can be?’ I ask this because I want so desperately to have him with me all the time. It’s funny; when a person is around, you feel okay about seeing them only sporadically. It’s no big deal if they go away on a trip for a week or two and hang out with friends more than home, but when they die, they become the center of your every thought and emotion. You want them to be around you, communicating constantly.
Erik goes on to say, “Well, I’d like to come every night the day before you wanna write something the next day.”
That, of course, means I will be determined to write daily. Communicating in dreams, however, is one thing, but feeling their touch is another. So I ask, ‘How can I better feel your presence?’
Erik assures me by saying, “I’ve been working on building my ability to manipulate physical matter on the earthly plane. Every time we pass away and our soul goes to heaven, we’ve gotta work on our ability to expand our electrical energy so that, if we want to, we can move material objects; we can really make our presence known in the most tangible way possible—to materialize, to touch others, and to have them feel it. That’s what I’ve been working on. So, what I’m going to do is this: I’ll come up and hug you; I’ll touch your arm and you’ll know it’s me; I’ll come up and give you a kiss on the cheek, and I’m going to rub your hair. I’m going to put my hand on top of your head and rub your hair back and forth just like I used to do. Remember how it used to piss you off when I messed up your hair like that?” (He laughs really hard for several seconds. Of course, now, I’d give anything for him to have my hair in a rat’s nest all the time.) “And when you drive you’ll hear me saying ‘Mom, go faster’ or ‘it’s yellow, you can make it; you can make it; go through the light.’”
‘Yeah, I remember what a backseat driver you were, Erik!’ I respond with a chuckle.
He laughs and says, “Yeah, it was easier to be a backseat driver with you than with Pappa, huh? You took it better than he did! And Mom, this is what you’re going to write about in a book: How parents can rise above the grief to actually be able to feel and hear and be aware of their kid around them. You’re also going to be smelling me, Mom. It’ll be the smell like I’ve been working outside, kinda like a sweaty guy smell.” Ah, how well I remember that scent. It wasn’t objectionable to me a all; it was just a sign of how much he loved working outside on cars, bikes, and his welding.
Erik continues with, “Mom, you did everything you could. The problem was I didn’t listen to you. I thought all that stuff was a bunch of bullshit, but now I know! Oh my God, if only, if only, if only. I created something that was much more stressful than it was supposed to be. Even when I had the gun in my hand, it was like should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I? It happened so fast that my guardian angels couldn’t do anything to stop it. They tried to get other people to call or come over, but there wasn’t enough time.”
Just before his death, his older sister, Kristina, experienced something that gives Erik’s statement credence. She says, ”I had been reading about learning disabilities and suicidality in children/teens for my behavioral science course, and I of course was thinking about him the whole time that morning. I got a strong urge to pick up my cell phone and text him ‘I love you’ for no apparent reason at all. But it was in my purse in the other room and I didn’t go get it. I feel remorseful about that.”
On the day of his death, Erik’s younger sister, Annika, and his Aunt Teri recall passing by his room as they walked down the hall to go to the lunch we had planned. In fact, their encounters occurred within ten minutes of his death. They both claimed they saw him sitting at his desk, staring ahead solemnly. Oh, how they wished they had recognized his sadness and stopped to comfort him! In retrospect, these three incidents were most assuredly his guides’ attempts to muster our help and intervention.
Yet Erik reassures us as he continues, “I know you knew it was a possibility this would eventually happen, Mom, but there was nothing you could have done beside worry and do all the stuff you did to help me. Did you know a third of parents around the world have kids who are suicidal? I know that now. You need to let other parents know that too.”
‘Could you tell me more about what it’s like to die, Erik?’ I ask.
“I literally felt no pain. I felt no pain. Mom, it’s really important to put that down because a lot of kids die in accidents like car accidents or motorcycle wrecks. Some have been murdered; some have drowned. Even if a child has died of a heart attack or cancer, the parent is always going to worry about the pain and suffering they might have had during death. But tell everyone there is no pain. My soul popped out of the body at the moment of my death. I truly felt nothing. You know, Mom, I’m going to be totally honest with you about everything. I felt this shocking, this immediate sense of peacefulness, happiness, euphoria. It was stunning. I felt like I was floating, like I was levitating. After my soul popped out of the body, at that moment, I heard a shot. I can’t gauge the time.
“I was feeling this awesome euphoria and enjoying it and it then it was as if this invisible hand was telling me ‘look there, look down.’ So I looked down and I thought, ‘holy shit’ and I realized it was me. For a couple of seconds I wondered, ‘how can I be there and be here too?’ And then I realized, ‘Ooooh, it’s my soul! This is my soul! Then I came into this overwhelming knowing about who I really am, all of my past lives. At that moment I could understand what you were trying to help me heal from in those past lives. I got this immediate knowing and I was like, ‘Oh, oh, that’s what Mom was trying to help me with. Wow, she knew!’ I could see you for who you really are, I could see Pappa for who he really is, and Lukas, Kristina, Michelle and Annika, everybody, everybody—family, friends, everyone on the earthly plane. I could see them for who they really are. This knowing was rapturous. I know that’s a word I wouldn’t use on the earthly plane so I’ll say this so you’ll know it’s really me, ‘It was fucking rapturous!’ I all of a sudden had all this wisdom and I thought, ‘Aaawww, why didn’t I have all this when I was there?’ Then I realized I could have. I could have.
“Mom, that’s where you’re headed. You are going to feel this knowingness, this peace in this lifetime, and then you’re going to teach everybody else in the family. You’re going to feel neutral, objective about the choices other people make. It’s a lot easier being in spirit because you can see someone else’s destiny even when they make choices that change that destiny. Spirits can immediately be neutral and not judge themselves or others.”
“So of course I already told you what happened when I saw all the mess I made. I knew you were going to find me and that was not my goal. I didn’t think. Once I pulled the trigger I couldn’t change my mind. I felt this horrible sense of loss knowing what you guys were gonna feel and I had my own sense of loss, scared, real scared that you guys weren’t going to be able to pick up on me. I was real frightened about it. Then I had this tragic feeling of grief knowing you were gonna find it, Mom. I knew it. I felt this impossible to describe sense of remorse. Maybe it was even more grief than you feel, Mom, because I did it. I did it. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew I would have to have therapy because of it. So you know I went to Norway right away to see Bestefar (his grandfather), but my guide made me come back and watch when you found me. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, seeing you break down in my lap, sobbing. My guide made me look at what pain I caused for you. It was unbearable.” (Here, Kim, again describes him kneeling, hands together as if begging, tears streaming down his face asking for forgiveness.)
“Then I felt this pulling, this pulling like a gravitational pull and I heard this “zinnnggg” and all of a sudden I was standing there in front of a whole bunch of other spirits and I recognized them all! There were hundreds of them. I was like ‘Oh, there’s Aunt Sophie; there’s my brother from the Middle Ages,’ I could recognize everybody from all my past lives and my brother from this lifetime.” (I had lost a baby during my 24th week of pregnancy. It was a boy. We named him, Seth. It happened around 16 years ago, so Kim could not have known Erik had a brother on the other side.)
“There was this big table where everybody was going to sit down…like a family dinner. There was a lot of music, there was a lot of laughing. Oh, and, Mom, I asked four souls from your soul group who aren’t part of your life now if they could help you through all this. I want to do something to help the family. I want to be able to do something for you guys. If there is anything at all I can do to help anyone in the family, please let me know, and I’ll do everything I can. I want to feel like I’m still part of the family. Ask me to do stuff. I can’t exactly take out the garbage but… Spiritual being can move physical objects just as well as you guys.”
‘Okay,’ I joke, ‘I’ll get a chore list together for you!’
Erik laughs, then continues, “Mom, you’re going to notice things have been done, and you’ll ask other people ‘Did you do that?’ ‘Did you do this?’ and they’ll say ‘no’ and you’ll know it was me!” I found that so comforting. Proof of his presence is crucial. I don’t want to feel like I’ve really lost my little boy forever. That would be too much to bear.
“Okay, let’s get back to what happened next,” I prod. Erik was always easily distracted, just like his mom.
“Oh yeah, right, Well, I was at this big long table, and I felt dazed. I was still euphoric, but I was dazed. It’s like one minute I was in my physical body and the next minute I was a free spirit without physical limitations, and I kept asking, ‘I’m really a spirit, right? I mean, I don’t get to go back to that lifetime; I’ve let that lifetime go?’ Then I started “the review.” Nobody did the review but me. I was sitting at the table. Uh, I was sitting there and everyone was talking about how happy they were that I’m back. No matter how we pass, we’re always welcomed back with open arms. Everyone is always thrilled to see us again. Anyway, so I’m sitting at the table, and I’ve got my elbows on the table. I’ve got my head in my hands and I’m reviewing my life. I started sobbing when I remembered being a little boy and you calling me your ‘little man’ and doing things with me and telling me what a big man I’m gonna be. I’ve taken all of that away. Those were the worst moments of the review. I want to thank Pappa for treating me like an adult. Pappa, you treated me like an adult for as long as I can remember. Thanks, Pappa; that meant a lot to me.”
“So I finished my review and I considered what I could have done that I didn’t; what I did do that I shouldn’t have. I don’t know how long the review took. I didn’t mark time. No one here marks time. But it didn’t take long, because the candles were still burning on my cake, my “welcome home” cake. Then I felt this heaviness, this real emotional heaviness. I was approached by this female soul who offered to counsel me; she offered me therapy. So I’ve been going to therapy. She’s not only helping me understand why I did it, why I took my life, but how I can go back to the earthly plane with this heaviness added to the healing I was supposed to do this lifetime without doing the same thing again. Wow, Mom, if I could have seen what I was healing from (in past lives,) no wonder I was so fucking depressed and angry. No wonder, Mom!”
“I want you to let other people know that we have lots of company here. A lot of parents who have lost kids worry that their kid is all alone, but it’s not that way. We imagine what we want to eat, and it’s right there. We live where we want; we live how we want; we don’t feel hot or cold. Thought creates reality much faster here. It happens in an instant.”
I only booked an hour with Kim, so, sadly, it was time to wrap things up. I ask him, ‘Okay, I’m running out of time, but do you have anything else you want to say about what it’s like to die?’
“Shit yeah, tons but don’t worry, I’ve written it all down. We can cover it later.”
Erik writing things down? Could it be? That might just be the biggest transformation of all! I can hear him laughing in agreement.
In this video, Erik shows his beautiful sensitive side I adore so much. Ironically, he talks about teaching his niece, Arleen, how to shoot and at the end of the video, I’m wearing the same shirt I wore when I found Erik dead. Now, it’s in the bottom drawer in my closet covered with blood. I don’t know why I can’t throw it away. I guess it’s the only physical thing I have left of him.