Unlike most entries, this one has no subject decided in advance. Like a radio call-in show where any comment is OK, for this last in the current series of entries, the Substitute Teacher makes it up as we go.
ST = Substitute Teacher Erik = Erik C = The Committee
What’s The Committee? A Board of Advisors. Special today, free advice, worth every penny paid for it. With that we pass the microphone.
ST: What’s on your mind today, Erik?
Erik: A brick.
ST: So that could make you a blockhead?
Erik: At least a block-face.
ST : You didn’t tell a joke last time.
Erik: You want a joke? I have one right here in my funny bone. Once upon a time, there was man who lived in a shoe. It was once a lady but we have to be fair and allow men the opportunities previously denied to them. Fairness, you know?
Every day the shoe man tied the laces and untied them before bedtime and once a month polished his shoe house so nice and bright. Then one day came the big bad wolf from the inspector’s office to inquire about his heel & toe technique.
ST: That’s for driving cars, isn’t it?
Erik: This is a sex joke, be a busy hospital and have some patients.
ST: You know visitors to this website expect spiritual relevance, right?
Erik: Whiskey and vodka are spirits, so if we take a drink, it qualifies, right?
ST: You can go back to the joke.
Erik: OK, and the man in the shoe tells the inspector he can look at anything there. The inspector notices the man is barefoot and fines him right there for wearing shoes without socks. Which sucks.
ST: You have a better joke, right?
Erik: Yeah, and it’s pretty filthy even by my standards.
ST: Your jokes are usually not dirty, they’re scatological and bad, but filthy? No.
Erik: Let me show you, then…..so a prostitute leaves the rectory and…
ST: OK, how about a joke that’s been washed a little?
Erik: The prostitute took a shower before leaving the rectory, and…
ST: How about we go back to your filthy joke?
Erik: The honest politician fell in the mud.
ST: Do you write these in advance?
Erik: Of course, there is no time! So I have time for everything and time to rewind time, just in time, so go ahead, time me if there’s time. Like, one time I couldn’t tell time, so time stood still but the timer ran out, so we got away. You know when? Just in time. How’s that for time management?
ST: Maybe we should have picked a topic?
Erik: Pick fruit instead.
ST: That would be a good topic, fruit.
Erik: What did the mango say to the banana?
ST: I’m afraid to ask. What?
Erik: There was no proof, so they let the mango.
ST: Cigars, you like to smoke ‘em from time to time.
Erik: When I have time, yeah.
ST: But wait, you can make all the time you want.
Erik: So don’t ask me to wait, no need. Smoke now!
ST: Can I tell a joke?
Erik: Not so well.
ST: What time is it when a cow sits on a fence?
Erik: That’s udderly unrealistic, everybody knows cows fly over the moon.
ST: Shouldn’t we be saying something cool and interesting about the afterlife?
Erik: There isn’t life after anything, it passes from phases to phase.
ST: Life in the afterphase?
Erik: Following the prior phase.
ST: I haven’t seen you smoke yet, not this time.
Erik: Hang on, things are heating up, I’ll start giving off smoke in a minute.
ST: So what happens when humans visit other planets?
Erik: We’ll find out when it happens.
ST: It hasn’t ever been done by humans?
Erik: No, not from Earth, not yet. That’s gonna happen, though.
ST: Everybody’s gonna want to know when, obviously.
Erik: It’ll happen when the technology is made available, and that’s an interesting subject.
ST: Interesting because?
Erik: Humans like to think all technology is developed on Earth by, of and for humans. That’s true but there’s a lot of input that isn’t human and that’s what happens almost everywhere in the galaxy and like, even other ones.
ST: So human ability to visit other planets will be helped by extraterrestrials?
Erik: Oh yeah, no doubt but humans will be taken to visit, to show what it’s like.
ST: Again, the line will reach around the Earth to go for that ride.
Erik: The problem is, it’d be like giving electric power tools to little kids. Humans have shown a well developed habit of changing things. Visits to the other planets won’t go well ‘cause nobody’s gonna be able to change anything. It could be like, whoa man, we got this cool ship and we’re on planet Doom and, look! A massive cave made out of gold. Yo, Tony, get out the explosives! See what I mean…?
ST: We’d never be that crude.
Erik: Yeah? The Holocaust was nice?
ST: So we get the help with interplanetary technology when we’re not gonna do damage.
Erik: Pretty much, and that’s like for all planets and it’ll seem logical and fair once humanity recognizes life exists on other planets, which is a major problem.
ST: Yeah, but why exactly? C’mon you’re the guru of prank, you see into this stuff. What’s the hang-up? Why do humans have such a hard time with new stuff that isn’t immediately understood?
Erik: It’s easy to put stuff into a category; a lot more work to study it and decide if there should even be a category. Ugh, me caveman and you Jane, come here, ugh. That good, this bad. Ugh.
ST: Did you see that in a cartoon?
Erik: No, most of my shit comes from watching politicians. They’re the really funny ones.
ST: I see a lot of that as sad, mostly.
Erik: Nah, it’s all comedy, they take themselves so seriously so they’re easy to make fun of.
ST: Is there stand-up comedy in Heaven?
Erik: All the time!
ST: Who does it and what do they make fun of?
Erik: Everybody can do it and mostly God gets made fun of.
ST: Isn’t that blasphemy?
Erik: No, that was the day Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japan, a day that shall live in blasphemy.
ST: Infamy, you mean.
Erik: No, blasphemy ‘cause God messed up and let that happen! Not really, but it fits the joke so we say it.
ST: Lots of comedy makes fun of humans?
Erik: All. The. Time. Which, doesn’t exist, so it’s always.
ST: Have you ever done stand up?
Erik: Yeah, I do and I’m the Stand Up Texan, I make fun of LBJ and even start to talk like him.
ST: Give us one of your jokes.
Erik: Let’s see….one day I was taking out the garbage and I felt really trashy. So I went to the dump to try and take one, but I found out the dump can’t be moved, you can’t take it away. So the rest of my day was rubbish. Not French, Swiss or Chinese, but Rubbish. From the Republic of Ruby. I was in a hurry but I wasn’t Russian, either.
ST: Erik, these are….
Erik: …I knew you’d hate ‘em.
ST: There’s a story in the news about the sun’s magnetic poles reversing anytime now. That is happens every eleven years or so. If it happens now, will there be effects?
Erik: Yeah, the solar pharmacy will lose business ‘cause the sun will stop taking its meds and have a bipolar relapse. No, not much is gonna happen, some electrical shit like what happened to your car the last full moon, when it messed with your electrical system. Little stuff.
ST: We’ve droned on too long.
Erik: That’s what the military said to Obama.
ST: You’re bad, man.
Erik: Just imagine it from the other end of that drone.
ST: OK, see you again soon, thanks for bringing forward the well know dead people.
Erik: It’s fun, they like it. Me, too. Pet your cats; later…..