Toking for toddlers? Hmm. I never, and I mean NEVER, thought this topic would come up, but it’s right up Erik’s alley, of course. Don’t forget to take the survey at the end. And by the way, I really want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments that have been coming in. I wish the editor could put them all in, but to do so would mean publishing the book as a coffee table edition!
Me: Okay. Now, somebody wants to ask about the—
I am so overcome with the giggles that for almost an entire minute I cannot gather my composure.
Me: I have to stop the giggles.
Of course I giggle some more.
Me: —marijuana’s effect on children and babies.
I burst out laughing, yet again.
Me: I just can’t get this image out of my mind of this little baby just toking and smoking.
Jamie belly laughs.
Me: “Hey, man (sucking sound) you wanna take a hit?”
We both laugh so hard, it’s a miracle we don’t bust a seam somewhere.
Me: I just couldn’t get that horrible image out of my head.
Erik: Yeah, it would definitely impair them to where they could not drive.
Jamie and I, already in a weakened state, belly laugh again.
Erik: Well, let’s take it right like in the womb kind of a shit. It doesn’t change cellular development, so baby’s not gonna come out with weird shit. How does it affect a child, like first of all, why is your kid getting high? If it’s secondhand high, and the child doesn’t need it, um, you know, if the child doesn’t need the healing from the marijuana, then it’s not going to do him any fucking good. Now, if the child has—
Me: Wait. Will it do him any harm, or will it just not do him any good?
Erik: No, it just won’t do any good.
Erik: It’s not going to do any harm. Even if they eat it or if it’s secondhand smoke, it’s not going to do any harm.
Me: You have to put some pizza flavoring in their formula probably, huh?
Jamie (giggling): He’s laughing so hard. It just took me a moment to get that. Because of the munchies?
Jamie: Sorry. Okay. He wasn’t explaining it to me. He was just laughing!
Me: Jamie’s kind of slow, huh Erik?
Jamie: Okay. Back to Earth. Ah, I’m going to be laughing the rest of the day.
Erik: If it’s because they have some sleep issues or anxiety or OCD or learning disability or crap like that, actually, you know, marijuana can help for that. I’m telling you, you think I talk—I’m not saying about you, Mom. I’m talking about the masses when they read my shit when I talk about cannabis all the time, they’re gonna think that, “Aw, he’s just a pot smoker; of course he’s gonna defend, you know, and stand behind the awesomeness of cannabis and how much good it does, but I will tell you something, not even a year from today, this will be the new miracle drug to cure all the fucking shit we’ve gone through.
Erik: And a lot of medical crap is going to change quick, because now there’s going to have to be new laws on these drugs for THC use, for PC—
Jamie: He’s naming off all these initials.
Erik: There’s so many qualities within the cannabis plant—
Me: Not PCP, though! Angel dust? Seriously?
Erik: No, not that. Jamie misunderstood. But the things that come from the cannabis plant are going to cure so many of the things that the drug companies are really having—
Me: A monopoly over.
Jamie: Thank you. He’s going off. Again. But in a short sentence, that’s exactly what he’s still saying, and he’s saying it’s a bunch of shit, and he’s pissed about it.
Erik: It robs people, you know?
Erik: The salaries are too high, and then they’re putting laws on it to where, you know, something that should be for free, even the poor people can afford—
Me (with a sympathetic tone): Yeah.
Erik: But here comes in this miracle medicine all of a sudden. I’d just like to duly note that even in India, who people think of as not really progressive, they’re already using it to treat illnesses and finding huge ass successes.
Me: Wow! Really?
Erik: Yeah. So much success that they’ve actually created a strand of the plant that, no matter how you take it—smoke it, eat it, whatever—it has no hallucinogenic effect whatsoever. So, you can get all the healing properties for the plant without getting the high. Take that home with you. It’s gonna boom. So, then you’ll think in a year from now, “Damn, Erik. He’s so smart! All of his predictions came true!”
Erik: Cannabis is amazing!
Me: But I can’t see 8 year-old kids—
Erik: No, totally, Mom, like have it in the form of a cookie, some other edible, or just as a pill.
Me: No, I’m talking about now. Marijuana’s effect on like, uh, well like taking a hit or something like that. It just seems so wrong and weird.
Erik: I think it sucks that anybody of that age has to have any kind of hallucinogen in their body. That should be the case.
Erik: But if they’re taking it in forms that don’t give them any hallucinogenic effect and it helps them, then, hell yeah, they’ll be taking it.
Me: And you don’t get a hallucinogenic effect when you eat it?
Erik: Well, you don’t get it when you juice it.
Me: What do you mean, just make it into a juice, Erik?
Erik: Yeah, yeah, like the leaves and everything. That’s how the anti-inflammatory, uh, it prevents cancer. It’s fucking crazy. It does all these incredible things, but they won’t put it on the market, because –
Me: I know. It’s crazy. Big Pharma wants all the profits for themselves. So, when you eat it, it probably destroys some of the hallucinogenic whatever, maybe some peptides?
Erik: Well, if you’re eating the bud of the plant, then you can still get high as shit, but what you can do is you can make butter, you know, and let the THC be soaked up into an oil and make it into a butter form and use that butter to make cookies so you’re not really getting a huge dosage, but it’s just enough to change the chemical makeup in the body so that it can help heal itself.
Me: Would it help kids with ADHD?
Erik: Yes! That’s the fucked up thing! Why are these kids on all the chemicals that make their asses either too skinny or too fat (I’m sure he’s talking about major tranquilizers like Zyprexa) and making them feel like they’re mentally confused?
Erik: Like, c’mon man. LET THEM TOKE! We should call over to India to get their recipe, and let them toke on the stuff that doesn’t let them hallucinate.
Me: I know! What about schizophrenia and other mental illnesses?
Erik: Real schizophrenia?
Me: Yeah, because a lot of schizophrenics are on medications that, when you were mentioning it, make them gain so much weight that they often become hypertensive and diabetic. It’s horrible.
Erik: There’s a lot of fake schizophrenics out there. But for the real cases where their brains aren’t functioning right, hell yes, it would help them tremendously, Mom. Like insane.
Poor choice of words, but I go on.
Erik: And you know what else helps them?
Jamie (to Erik): Are you screwing with me? (pause) All right. All right.
Jamie (to me): He’s not screwing with me. He’s got a serious face. He’s talking about them having LSD trips.
Erik: Yeah. I’ve talked about this before in other cases. But for schizophrenics, you gotta take them off the cliff. It’s done by a doctor. They sit with a doctor the entire time. Everything is under a controlled method and technique. But often going off the edge helps them clarify what their boundaries and edges are when they’re in a wake state.
Me: Ah. That’s interesting. It’s good that you mentioned that whole doctor-controlled psychedelic technique. What other conditions, uh, well, would it help children, especially those with spiritual gifts, retain those gifts? Would it help children become more spiritual? I’m still talking about marijuana.
Erik: No. No.
Me: Okay. Anything else about the effects of marijuana on childrens and babies?
I laugh and my mistake.
Me (in redneck speak): Childrens and babies.
Jamie (giggling): He’s imitating you, “You get them childrens and babies.”
Erik: No. I personally don’t think they should be hallucinating. That shit sucks. I think you should be mature enough for it, but you know in other countries they don’t believe that shit, and they get their kids high all the time.
Me: Oh god.
Erik: But I really think the healing effects of it, without the hallucinogenic properties, are incredible for children, and it should be used nonstop.
Me: Okay. What about kids who are perfectly fine? It prevents cancer and stuff, so I guess there’s that.
Erik: Kids who are perfectly fine?
Erik: We still have those kids?
Me: I don’t know! Do we?
Erik: Do they exist?
Me: Maybe not! Are you saying that when we have the strain that India has that has no hallucinogenic effect, along with the Flintstone Gummy Bears, they should have their THC cookie everyday?
Erik: Well, no. If they’re healthy, Mom, I don’t think that they’ll need it.
Erik: But if they have a learning disability or some kind of immune deficiency or autoimmune problem or inflammatory condition or whatever, dude—
Jamie: Wait. Say that again? You lost me.
Erik: It has an amazing—
Jamie (to Erik): For the injury? Oh, no, no, no. I understand.
Erik: If somebody broke their arm in a car wreck or bruised their brain had inflammation in the inside of the body, you know, muscle, soft tissue, any of that, broken bone, blah, blah, blah, the cannabis juice will take care of it.
Me: Okay. Interesting. Anything else about marijuana before we go on?
Jamie: No. He’s just talking about planting some.
Me (laughing): You don’t’ have to. You can just conjure it up anytime you want!
Erik: I know. I just meant, you know, planting some, making sure you have some for when you get old.
Me: I AM old!