Channeling Erik

September6th

25 Comments

Haunted

Posted in: Bereaved, Channeling, Death of a Child, Grief, Grieving, Struggles, Suicide, Violent deaths

Sorry about yesterday, everyone. I am so thankful for your love and support. It was just one of those days when the images keep screaming inside my mind for hours on end: the blood, the brains, the quietness in his chest, the look on this face, the shape of his head, the smell of fresh gunpowder, the sounds of my own wailing, the feeling of loneliness and longing. I just find it impossible to shake these thoughts from my mind sometimes. At the height of it all, I felt strong goosebumps on my left thigh and knew it was Erik trying to comfort me. It should have been enough. And I feel so horrible knowing my grief hurts my baby boy so deeply, because he’s been through enough pain all of his life. How dare I contribute more to those his many years of heartache.

I went to bed at 8:20 last night after taking a handful of sleeping pills, not enough to kill myself, of course. I’m not that much of a selfish ass. But enough to take me to a place of peace, hoping, in fact, for a brief meeting with Erik. I didn’t get that meeting, but I did get that glorious escape from horror, thank God. So now what? I pray to God those images won’t come back for a long, long time. The constant underlying grief screaming in my heart and mind are difficult enough to stiffle.

Right after I fell asleep, my husband smelled Erik’s wretchedly stinky sock odor wafting like a heavenly perfume. I’m glad for him, and, through his experience, I reap a vicarious solace.

To my mind: please give me peace, have mercy on a heart that bleeds a raw and relentless grief.

  • Stephanie

    I have no words, Elisa, just hugs and the hope that your pain will lessen.
    Love,
    Stephanie

  • Tom

    Hi Elisa,
    I’m sorry to hear you are still tortured by these images. At times I am sure they seem burned into your mind and will never leave you alone. Granted I didn’t go through anything like what you did, but in dealing with my cousins death, I have had horrid images come into my mind which detail what happened with his car wreck. They bother me a lot, and I have tried to shut them out. Now I wasn’t there when it happened, but I did visit the scene and asked him what happened etc. I believe he sent me the images I see, and hear, and it really is horrible. I don’t want them, and I have asked my cousin to not send them anymore, as I know more then enough already. I’m not sure if he stopped or if I finally managed to block them out, as it is something I just don’t want to think about. It makes me depressed and unhappy and very uncomfortable, but thankfully they have stopped, until now of coarse as I am writing about it.
    I don’t know if this helps, but I do understand. There are certain things that you cannot get out of your head and have a great deal of difficulty coping or dealing with. Many people in the military who come back from combat have these difficulties as well, and we all know this as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) They suffer terribly with images and guilt, having witnessed the deaths and destruction of fellow military comrades and wonder why they survived while others died. This sounds like something you are struggling with as well. It maybe also that it needs to surface, while you keep stuffing it down, so you cannot deal with it. It might be part of the process as well, something you have to work through…you could also ask Erik how to cope with it, and see if he offers anything that would help, and I hope the question won’t make him feel bad, but he has again an opportunity to help you deal with it and move forward.
    It isn’t fun, I didn’t like what I experienced, as I made me feel so terrible, and the images too were horrid, but I deal with it, and thankfully my cousin is good enough to abide with my request, unless it was just my imagination running wild, but I have never had this happen before, or that I remember, so all I can do is chalk it up to my cousin answering my questions as to “what happened” I asked, he answered. I got what I deserved I guess.
    Anyways, I hope you feel better and find your way back on track and keep moving forward.
    Looking back sometimes is never fun.

    {{{{{HUGS!!!}}}}}

    Tom

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      Yes, I suppose it’s just the bumpy road to recovery. Many have suffered tragedies worse than mine, so when I grieve, I sometimes feel it trivializes those who have lost entire families, even more terrible, those who live tragedies in their everyday life suffering abuse, starvation, neglect. But I need to remind myself that my grieving doesn’t take away from the grief of others. They all stand alone as pot holes in the journey to where we will all on day meet and embrace each other in love.

  • John

    Oh Elisa…please don’t apologize. You have done so much for us here that there is absolutely nothing to apologize for. Particularly when we all know how hard your struggle with grief must be. And with all you have done and do, you make it so very easy for us to give our love and support. Please know that we are all in your court. As an aside, last evening about 6 – 6:30 CST I had wave after wave, every 5 minutes or so, of intense goose bumps. This has never happened to me before and I immediately thought that Eric was visiting me. I pray that you find your peace and mercy, and your heart stops bleeding…In love and peace,
    John

  • Danielle Notaro

    Tom, I suggested this very thing. Ask Erik what he thinks you could do when you have flashbacks.

    Also, I learned very well not to minimize my own pain. I don’t think its helpful to compare levels of tragedy.

  • Steve

    Elisa,
    My heart ached when I read your post today. I have two beautiful older Dalmations that I love dearly and will not be with me forever. I know when they die I’ll experience (albiet a much lesser version than yours) grief.
    I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to lose a child, or anyone close to you, via suicide. I do think you are handling this so well, you are grieving, you are talking, you are coping, you are crying, you are getting the help you need.

    From a spiritual point of view, there are some huge soul lessons for you, your family, and for Erik. It really is all part of the plan that we all experience.
    We have all experienced everything in our many incarnations, including horrible tragedies, that allow us to grow.

    I’m still seeing butterflies EVERYWHERE. I saw one today as I was about ready to go through the car wash. Another Monarch landed on my left mirror and the attendants at the car wash were pointing it out to me. The butterfly phenomena started via this blog and all the talk about that – at exactly the same time it was posted that others were experiencing this.

    So Erik IS with us. Remember the proof that you obtained with Kim and Jamie, both – TWICE- sending the same explicit messages from him. He is not really gone – he is here with you now.

    Steve

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      I love you Steve. Did you have a nice long holiday?

  • Epeavey

    I completely agree with Danielle about not comparing levels of tragedy…everything is a matter of perspective and everyone feels their pain differently. Elisa, your pain is your pain and you should not feel guilty for having it or feeling it.
    With that said I wanted to offer something that might be of benefit. Everyone operates at a certain Level of Consciousness (abbreviated LOC), many below 200. On a scale of 1000, anything below 200 is desire, fear, grief, apathy, guilt and shame. Most people with psychological issues run less than 200 all the time (bipolar, depression, cancer, schizophrenia, etc). When we are feeling guilt, fear or shame most likely we are below 200. From 200-350 we are in courage, pride, acceptance, willingness. 400 and above is reason, love, and joy, and 600 is peace. When our LOC is above 700 we are in Christ’s consciousness which is enlightenment and of course very difficult to be in. There is a way to raise our LOC’s and those of people around us. I have seen it work in people who are in utter despair and suddenly they feel able to function again and cope with whatever is going on. Most people dip up and down but by learning how to keep your LOC raised, and for all you out there, your ability to not be depressed, and keep yourself out of fear, guilt, and shame will be much easier. For any of you who are interested and/or able my Mom is coming out to Tulsa, OK to teach a class on raising and keeping your LOC at a good level. You can also do this for people from a distance (their spirits can choose to accept or not) and it is so amazing! She is wanting to come out next year in either January, February, or March. If any of you are interested, I would be open to suggestions on weekends that would work for any of you. It is absolutely amazing and incredible!! They also teach skills that are essential in life! Please let me know what your thoughts are!
    Also wanted to quickly say sorry for the repetition of my comments on the last post. For some reason, I didn’t think they had posted as my computer did something weird, which was why I sent you the FB message. Not a big deal I know but wanted you to know. =)
    Sending you an immense amount of peace and love!!

  • lisapotter

    So heart wrenching. So unfathomable.
    Hug.

  • Tiffany

    In response to Epeavey, what she speaks of is an effective tool to be aware of, that helps us measure, on a scale of 1-1000, where we are at emotionally in any given moment. Elisa, when I read your post yesterday, that you couldn’t write because of your grief, I literally measured your level of consciousness at the time you wrote your post. Using muscle testing, I measured your LOC (level of consciousness) at the time you wrote your post, to be between 50 and 75, which is “apathy” and “grief” respectively, according to The Map of Consciousness by David R. Hawkins, MD, Phd. So, the emotions you were experiencing (grief, lack of understanding, etc.) were literally, accurate and measurable according to this scale.

    The trick to all of this, is knowing where you or someone else is measuring, at any given moment and knowing how to raise yourself or others to a higher level of at least 200 (200 is measured or defined as “courage”) or higher, in order to be efficient and productive. This skill can be learned by anyone and is very simple. If we all measured and operated below 200 on the scale, at all times, our productivity would be very very low if not non-existent and our ability to become enlightened would be hindered severely. After measuring your LOC to be at 50 to 75, I then applied the energy modality called Conscious Connection (that Epeavey described we can all learn in the class they are offering) to raise your level of consciousness to at least “courage” or 200. I trust that it worked because I measured your post from today at the time you wrote it and it was between 290 and 300 which measures at “neutrality” and “willingness” respectively.

    I have taken the class that Epeavey is talking about and I can tell you it is amazing! My mother in law is a gifted energy worker, who, if you take advantage of her offer to teach you these skills, your life will be enriched and you will have a tool that you can use your entire lifetime to help yourselves and others. I plan on being there for the class and hope to meet any of you that chose to come as well! Cheers!

  • Stanley

    Hello Elisa,

    First, I want to give ya a cyber hug **hugs**. I wish I could give ya a real one today. Losing a child is something I wish to never experience. Though as many here do, I know what it’s like to lose someone you deeply care about. I used to wonder, would it hurt more to lose someone fast, or have them die slowly. Sadly I have had to experience both. Pam was like a mom to me. She died fast via a heart attack. My good friend DJ was like a brother. He died slow of cystic fibrosis. I watched him slowly die in the ICU for a week. So I did get to answer that question. And the answer is, they hurt just as much as the other. I can only imagine how much more it hurts to lose someone you gave birth to.

    As for seeing those images, that I know well. Pam was cremated. Due to my gift, after she died, I received a vision of her body being cremated. It was horrifying to watch. Aside for such visions, I understand vivid memories of painful times in ones life. As a doctor, you probably know that witnessing a death such as Erik’s that it can cause PTSD. And by what you describe, it sounds like that’s just what you have. I have PTSD as well. In my nightmares of the abuse that caused it, it seems VERY real. All 5 of your senses work in such nightmares and flashbacks. I can feel, smell, see, hear and taste in the PTSD nightmares I have. What you describe sounds like classic PTSD.

    A few things I would suggest that can help, write a letter to Erik about that day. Explaining your feelings, your thoughts, if your angry write why. Then do as you feel with the letter. Some burn them, some bury them, some keep them in a safe place. You have a right to feel your feelings. And I am sure Erik knows that these feelings you are having, is what comes with a act of suicide. I am sure his guides have advised him of this already. Anyway, sometimes writing a letter to the person(s) who caused the incident can help. I have written many letters to my abusers as therapy. You don’t send them of course.

    Another thing I got some help from, and not everyone can do this, I used paint program and created a walk through of 2 of my most common nightmare locations where the worst of the worst child abuse took place. Frame by frame I created it into a short video. This part of therapy was done during what I named a “nightmare storm”. A period of time that occurs every few months where I get almost no sleep because a PTSD based nightmare occurs at least every 15 minutes. These are the two video’s that were made during one of my worst nightmare storms back in 2004:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKSIWAMtm-0
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuxLq3MCkVA

    Psychotherapy is another good road of therapy. I have come a very long way through psychotherapy. Before insurance coverage problems, I started a form of therapy called CBT. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. I got in 2 sessions before I had to stop. In short, as I understand it, they induce REM (Rapid Eye Movement) while awake either having you follow the therapists finger, or some use LED lights that do a sweeping pattern. The idea seems to be that the memories from painful experiences were not properly dealt with in the brain. Normally during REM sleep painful memories are worked out via dreams. CBT basically reprocess the painful memories and stores them in a new location where they are no longer a painful daily experience. Or so it was explained to me. I don’t know how well it works as I only got 2 sessions. But I hear vets say it helps. So that might be something to try as well.

    But most importantly, don’t stuff the thoughts and feelings. That only does harm. As painful as it is, let it out. I have had to pull over many times while driving because I was crying too hard to see. But let it out. I hope any of these suggestions help with those painful memories of that day. You are not alone in this. You know all the members who read your blog got your back. Take care Elisa. **hugs**

    -Stanley

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      Love you Stanley.

  • jbar

    Dear Elisa,
    I know so well too of those bloody flashback images.I did lost a son exactly two years ago.
    So many people had experienced this with the lost of love-ones in dramatic passing.
    So we are all in the same distress in front of the human destruction, our body is so beautiful, so perfect… but the worst is that feeling of impossible reversing of that ultimate act. To resist to this , we imagine what could have been done to avoid it, have we had the opportunity ? the chance ? the time ? then we are creating the guilt… cause we were very close to the situation.
    I remember my son telling me few times that he was going to take his life because he could not take it anymore( he was bipolar too). Can you imagine what it is to hear that! He sent this message many times (was he preparing us for it), he was yelling to get some help, and we did gave him all we could, all that was possible, only one time i was able to regain a small smile from his face, as if he was saying… Dad, your can’t give me your hope, your optimism, but thank you for trying.
    At that moment, i realize that we are all, all alone with ourself and our destiny, unique, in a personal and private quest, in a search of experiences following blindly a path long time established. Why can’t we remember that?
    Children are not ours, they are lent to us to give them an environment to express themselves.
    The meaning of life is not to live forever, is to live till we have experienced all we had choose to… the good and the not good. So if we stay mostly honest to our choice, it’s a full realization, a win-win situation where parents and children have learned many lessons.
    What a courageous attitude we have all, what a strength and a wonderful will is the humankind.

    Sorry for this digression and my bad english as it is not my first language, but your experience reminds me a lot and we share the same emotion.
    Being able to write this to your blog gave me also a another step, a good help in our grieving.
    Thanks Elisa, be proud of your choice, we should be all proud of our courage to stand up and to go till the end… eternity is our destiny.

    Love you and again, what a work Erik is doing! Simply Fabulous!!!

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      Love you too, jbar. I will share an amazing event that occurred last night and I hope it gives you comfort too.

  • Skoshi

    Words fail me, Elisa. Your pain and the pain of others expressed on this blog often hit me right in the gut. I can only send loving energy your way and their’s and hope it helps take the edge off.

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      It always does, Skoshi, and I thank you for that. Love you.

  • Julie Worley

    Hi Elisa,
    I want to share a couple of websites and book of interest with you and your readers. It is about a therapy for Grief and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) called Induced After Death Communication (IADC). The link to the website is http://www.induced-adc.com/ and the book is absolutely fascinating. This amazing therapy has so much potential to help people. Another website of intereste is victorzammit.com where you can sign up for a weekly newsletter to your email inbox that is related to spiritual matters and the afterlife.

    Best Wishes for peace. Julie

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      I’ve actually heard about IADC and have a book waiting in my ever-growing queue. It reminds me how happy people are after NDE’s and how some get depressed because they want to go back to the afterlife. Once we all realize that we are all in a school play of sorts and the Greater Reality is our real home, we will all feel bliss. We’ve just forgotten and our human experience is all about remembering who and what we are. Once we do that, not only will we see ourselves in love, we’ll see others that way too. It’s all a matter of remembering who is underneath the costume.

  • AD

    sending you loving energy and hugs…

  • lidian

    Hi Elisa,
    i spent a weekend steeped in sadness – it was in me and all around me in New Orleans – lots of reminders of loss – post katrina stuff, old history of slavery/pain, world war II museum (what i was thinking going there in my state? LOL) then on way home i started reading Pema Chodron’s Taking the Leap (recommended here i think). First chapter: Feeding the Right Wolf.
    Reminded me not to unconsciously feed the wrong wolf. Maybe the positive side to Grieving is that it can strengthen our ability to control our intentions/feelings as we move through the process…yes?

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      I think you’re right, Lidian! We must strengthen and control our intentions, otherwise we’d drown in the sea of grief. I suppose even the worse struggles, the most abominable tragedies all have a positive side. Maybe grief is simply fear. We fear we’ll never be with our loved ones again. We fear we won’t be able to manage until we reunite with them. I guess we need to let go of fear so that love can breathe and give us strength.

  • lidian

    yeah, i suspect the only real “devil” is fear.
    But still, fear is our friend in the right circumstance. Being in the darkness (fear) is what enables us to move towards the light (love).
    So in that sense we need to embrace both in order to transcend this horrible duality (which i am so sick of) and transcend – which, now that i think of it, we are all doing, LOL – so easy to get caught in the illusion…which brings us back to the comment about just remembering we are in costumes. I love that. Maybe we can learn to make friends with the grief too and let it remind us to remember.

  • Paul

    Dear Elisa,

    I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time of it. Grief is a very raw emotion. Couple that with the replay of the event and you crumble. It is like you are in a black hole of which there is no escape. Yet, there are countless hands reaching in with love and light at their disposal.

    Whenever you feel that you are all alone in your grief there are many that understand. I too have felt like I am in a black hole at times, of which there is no escape. Then the light of love finds it way to me again and I am able to cope a little while longer. I pray that you are surrounded by a love that surpasses all understanding. Your grief will one day transform into a perfected love. We are already recipients of that love. Don’t give up my friend because the light of dawn is nigh. Your pain will subside as you experience the healing balm of unconditional love. Do not give up, for one day this too shall pass.

    Love,
    Paul

    • http://drmedhus.com Elisa

      I will never give up. No amount of pain could make me do so. I persevere for Erik, for my family, for you all and for myself. Some of you have experienced this intensity of grief too, and still do. I’m in awe of how those of you do so. I love you all.

  • Michele

    Elisa, My heart goes out to you. Your pain is unimaginable to most people. I’m glad to hear you found some measure of peace for just a little while. There are so many people who send you loving energy. Please be easy on yourself, and never apologize for needing the time to be good to yourself.

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