In a recent channeling session with psychic medium, Kim O’Neill, Erik shares a more detailed account of his transition to the afterlife. He also reveals the new perspective he has on his life and his relationship with others, a perspective of a wise and enlightened soul unencumbered by the mental and emotional baggage that often comes with the limited perspective of the human experience on the earthly plane. Much of what Erik shares has some repetition from earlier sessions, but most of the dialogue is fresh. Note that Erik uses a lot of curse words has a very irreverent sense of humor. Hearing it come from the mouth of a modest Midwesterner gives me more confirmation that these words are indeed his. I can almost feel Kim squirming in embarrassment.
“Hey Dad; hey Mom.” (Kim notes that he sounds very upbeat and very happy to be where he is.) “I’m still living at home with the family. I spend every moment with you guys. I feel I’m out of my pain. Since I was 11, I use to hide how I felt a lot. I didn’t want you to know how depressed I was.
“Mom, you were the best mom in the world and you still are. But you need to get back to where you were because the other kids need you, especially Michelle because she is absolutely fucking freaking out. I promise I’m going to be in heaven when you guys get there. I’m just so damn happy not to be there in the physical plane anymore. I’ve never been happier. I don’t want to piss you off, because I know this has been beyond terrible for you and because it was such a shock, but I had being thinking about it for about a year. With my bipolar disease, when during the good times I felt not so bad, I felt okay but when I was in the down moments, that when I was planning. I didn’t tell anyone.” Note that Kim did not know Erik’s history of bipolar disorder.
‘Who are you with now, Erik?’ I ask.
“I’m with my partner in crime, Denise. We’ve been palling around a lot. But I’m spending most of my time with the family at home. Also, Mom, I want you to know that those things you’ve been picking up with the camera, those orbs? That’s me. But I’m going to start materializing so you can see my form, too. I’m always going to be living with you and Pappa, even if you move. And you’ll have people who come over and they don’t now about what happened to me and they’ll say like, ‘Um, last night, I saw something,’ and they’ll explain it to you, and you’ll know it was me.”
‘Why didn’t you tell us about your suicidal thoughts? Why didn’t you warn us?’ I ask.
“I didn’t want you to know because I knew you would try to stop me. I was worried that if you found out how bad off I was you would have put me in some sort of mental institution, and I’d rather be dead. Mom, you’ve always down everything you could to help us. Look what you did with Michelle, and she was really fucked up! I knew I would be happier dead, in spirit.”
I continue with my next question. ‘Erik, when you took the overdose of Provigil and you had that near death experience, did that give you a taste of the afterlife and make t easier for you to do it?’
“No.” (A man of many words!)
‘What about Allie, is she with you?’ (Allie was his girlfriend who died in an accidental gunshot wound to the head in March of 2009. They were very close and I feel this tragic event did much to influence his decision to take his own life. Even just prior to his death there’s an entry on his wall that reads, “R.I.P. Allie. I miss you still.”)
Erik answers, “Oh, yeah, she was there when I got there. They were all expecting me. I kind of told my guides that ‘okay, today’s the day. I’m going to do it today,’ and I was waiting for a time when everybody was gonna be gone. I didn’t want anybody to be home when I did it. I was gonna do drugs; that was my first choice, but I was afraid I would do it and not die and I’d be impaired. I wanted to do it in a way where my death would be guaranteed.”
‘Did you have any regrets after you left your body, Erik?’
“Nope. Nope. Not one. I’m very happy here. I don’t want you guys to be pissed off because I know how traumatic this has been for you. Do NOT blame yourselves! Pappa, you’re kinda better at that than Mom. Mom, do NOT blame yourself. It is because of YOU that I lived to be the age that I was. I would have done it a while ago.”
The last few years of his life, Erik was constantly searching for stimulation…for something to look forward to. There was always some new gadget, new hobby, new sport, new career path dangling like a carrot in front of his nose. But these things would provide him with only transient satisfaction. This was perhaps the biggest bone of contention in the relationship between Erik and my husband and I. He was always begging us for money to obtain a component for the new system in his truck, to buy equipment for a new sport, etc. So I asked him, ‘Erik, is that why you always kept so busy? Is that why you always wanted to buy something new or start some new fun activity?’
“Exactly. It kept me occupied.”
My husband interjects, “Is it because you wanted to experience as much as possible in the short period of time that you had?”
“No. I figured I was going to experience more in the spirit. I wanted to keep as busy as possible so I wouldn’t have to feel as depressed as I was. It helped some but it never lasted very long.”
His older sister, Michelle, tells Erik as she sobs, “I’m sorry for everything I did to you.” Michelle and Erik had a very close bond. They hung out together a lot and, naturally, they got into trouble together from time to time.
Erik replies, “Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Let me get this straight. Because you acted like a bitch sometimes? Because of what you said and what you did, you’re feeling guilty about that and I blew my brains out and YOU feel sorry? What’s wrong with you? You’re fucked up” And he starts chuckling.
Michelle laughs quietly through her tears and, in mock sarcasm, answers, ‘Thanks.’
“You always did that, Michelle, but I knew you loved me. You were a guardian angel for me, and you took me under your wing. Mom was a big reason I stayed here as long as I did, but you were too. There were some things that I told you, (Of course I didn’t tell you I was gonna do this,) but Michelle there were some things I told you and you helped me get through it. If you didn’t I would have done it then. You know this, Michelle. You know this. There were things I told you that I didn’t tell Mom and Pappa, and you always listened to me, and you never judged me. You always listened and you gave me your opinion. Everyone has PMS sometimes!”
Michelle tells Kim, “Toward the end, we kind of had a falling out maybe for like half a year. Ever since we had a big fist fight in the Suburban, my mom’s car, I started to distance myself from him. I mean, I used to take him like everywhere. Is that because he was getting me prepared so it wouldn’t be as bad for when he did kill himself?”
Erik responds, “No, I look at everything differently now. I was being a fucking asshole and that’s why we had the fight. I was being a fucking asshole. I kept doing things over and over again. I liked to hit your hot buttons. I don’t know why I did that. You were so kind to me. You were a guardian angel for me. But I kept trying to push the envelope, push the envelope. You knew it and I knew it and I admit it, I can be a fucking asshole! Finally you couldn’t take it any more. I had been pushing you and pushing you up to that time and you finally lost it. I’m surprised you didn’t try to hurt me!”
I interject, ‘Not that she didn’t try!’
Kim told us Erik is laughing loudly, then he goes on, “I kept pushing your hot buttons and I knew I would get that response.”
“Erik, why did you do that,” Kim asks.
He shrugs and answers, “Well you do all kind of things when you’re fucked up. I gave me something to do. I thought it was funny when you would get upset, Michelle. I look at things different now. I think it’s a good thing we weren’t speaking during that time because I was so distraught. I would have continued being a fucking asshole and it would have made you miserable. I started to detach from everybody, because I knew nothing was gonna make me feel better.. I didn’t think killing myself was gonna make it better for anybody else. I was just thinking about myself. I didn’t want everyone to ask me questions, and I knew I was gonna be depressed and moping. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to spend time in my room and spend time on the computer.”
Then Michelle asks, “When are you going to materialize?”
Erik responds with a question, “ You mean in a way where you can see my form and see what I look like?”
Michelle answers, “Yeah, you know I’m kinda freaked out about that, but if you did it in a really peaceful way, that would be awesome. Not at night. Don’t do that shit at night!”
Erik laughs and says, “You mean you don’t want me to stand over your bed at night and go RRRRAAAAHHHHHHH!? Hey, I never thought of that but that’s a fun idea! Nah, I’m just joking with you. But even if I tell you ‘okay Michelle, get ready, I’m going to materialize,” it’s still going to scare the crap out of you.”
Alarmed, Michelle asks, “But you’re going to do it anyway before I’m ready?!”
“Well, yeah, because even if it scares the crap out of you I think it’ll help you get ready.”
“Okay, well, just don’t do it at night!”
Erik laughs and says jokingly, “I guess you also don’t want me to jump in the shower? I promise I’m not going to show up while you’re driving and stuff. And Arleen is going to be talking about me. I visit her and play with her.”
Before our session, my eldest daughter, Kristina, wanted us to ask Erik if he helped her on her last bunch of exams, because she felt his presence while taking them. When I pose the question through Kim, he answers, “Yes I helped her cheat.” He says this in a mock confidential whisper. Chuckling, he explains: “Kristina walks the straight and narrow and her choices are beyond reproach. I find it amusing that I’m helping her cheat!” Kim had no way of knowing that this is so typical of Kristina’s personality. Fondly referred to as “Officer Kristina,” by her peers, she has a very heightened sense of morality and justice. Erik, as always, had her pretty well pegged!
Erik goes on to say, “I’m going to contact you with little songs on the radio moving objects around the house, and I’m never going to be withdrawn again, I promise. I’ve completely let go of that sense of loss, that—all that hard shit I had to work on buuuuutttt because of what I did I’m going to have to come back a bunch more times to work on what I could have worked on this lifetime. (he says this last phrase in a sing song voice as if he were telling a child ‘I told you so,) But I like to be in Heaven and also be with you. I like to swim in the pool and play with the dogs. I walk around while ya’ll are asleep, when I’m not in therapy.”
Erik then tells Michelle she’s going to have twins. “They’re going to be boys and they’ll be just like me.” He chuckles and says he finds that very amusing. “I mean my impatience. Remember how impatient I used to be; remember I wanted everything fucking now now now; remember how I hated to wait for things, remember how I wanted immediate gratification? You weren’t like that, huh, Michelle?” And he laughs exuberantly. They were two peas in a pod, those two. Both struggled with impatience more than most kids there age.
Michelle acknowledges and proceeds with another question: “When I felt like you were hugging me this morning, was that you?”
“Yes.”
“I was crying and I felt you like hugging and I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hug your little skinny body.”
“That was me. And you’re all gonna hearing me telepathically, you’re gonna receive me in dreams, you’re going to see me materialize, you’re gonna be smelling things, I’m going to be communicating with you through all of your senses.” Then, in an excited voice, he goes on to say, “Hey, Michelle, Michelle, when I talk to you sometimes you’re gonna smell like a bong smell!”
“A BONG?? Ew, that’s a horrible smell. That’s a bad smell,” MIchelle replies.
“Yes, that way you’ll know it’s me,” he answers.
She responds, again in mock sarcasm, “Thanks Dude.”
“Anytime! I’m teasing about the bong. I just brought up the bong so everybody would really, really know it was me. I know if you smelled a bong smell you’d tell me to hit the bricks. But I’m not going to be like ‘Look at that rainbow’ or ‘Look at those flowers.’ Oh but you might hear me saying ‘Look at those tits! Look at that blond. Look at her. Wow, look at her!’ And you’ll know positively without a doubt in your mind that it’s me you hear in your head and that I’m talking to you.”
Kim poses one question of her own, “Erik, how do you have such powerful electrical energy; you passed such a short time ago?”
Erik shrugs and replies, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess it’s because of my level of enlightenment. I’ve got a very high level of enlightenment. You guys know that. Mom, you especially know that.”
“Mom we had lots of past lives together where I saved your life, you saved mine, but Mom, Mom, Mom, you were not able to save my life this time even though you have before because I didn’t open myself to you. I didn’t share with you what I was thinking or planning or what I was going to do. I was planning to kill myself for a long time, but I decided to kill myself with a gun that morning. You couldn’t have known. And when I tried to kill myself with those pills, I was really serious so it’s when it didn’t work I was like ‘Shit! Do I fuck up everything I touch? Do I fuck up everything I can’t even kill myself?’ That’s why I wanted to make sure to do it right.”
Then, I asked Erik a question that I think is pretty typical of a bereaved mother. “Was it anything I said or did that morning that caused you to do it?”
“Oh God no! It was things you did and said that kept me on this earthly plane. Mom, I just couldn’t stay any longer, I was just so miserable, even for you I couldn’t stay any longer.”
Kim begins to cry softly and tells us, “He’s apologizing and apologizing and he’s showing me this again: He’s on his knees with is hands in prayer and he’s crying. He’s begging your forgiveness. He’s on his knees just begging you.”
In a somber tone, Erik explains, “Now we can see things so much more clearly and now I’m looking at things in a more mature point of view. I wasn’t looking at things that way. I was just thinking about my own pain, and I was thinking you could get over it.”
I asked him if he was there when I found him dead in his room.
“Yes and I didn’t want to BE! My therapist told me ‘you WILL be there, period. I did NOT want to be there but my therapist forced the issue and said, ‘you did it so you’re accountable and you watch.’ So I did and I was hysterically crying trying to comfort everyone. No one could hear me at that time. This is something I will never do again in any future lifetime because of that moment. That period when you found me was worse than any of the pain I’ve had in all of my lifetimes put together. Never EVER will I do something like that in my future lives.”
“Were you at your funeral, too?” I asked.
“Yes. My therapist said, ‘you will be there!’ so I had to go. I liked the music. Thanks Michelle.”
Michelle had selected his favorite music for various parts of the service. She felt delighted for his appreciation.
By the end of the session, we all felt convinced that this soul Kim was channeling was indeed Erik. There was no mistaking the tone, the humor, the language, and the perspective before and after his death. How comforting to know that he is still with us. Later, I will share with you how Erik appeared before me last night just before I went to sleep. Register so you won’t miss any entry updates, and if you have any questions for Erik, please click on the “Ask Erik” button at the top of the page. Your questions and Erik’s answers to them will be emailed to you. They will not be published unless you request that they be. Your questions can concern any topic, personal and specific or general and abstract. He so deeply wants to share his views about life, death, and the afterlife, perhaps to help make up for a life cut short.
Listen to Erik singing “Chop Suey” while on a drive home from Destin, Florida with Michelle. You will note three things: 1) a prophecy of the tragedy 2)the fun loving, close relationship between Michelle and him and 3) his horrid tone-deafness (sorry, Erik, but the truth shall set you free!)
