The last couple of months have been difficult for me. I haven’t really felt Erik’s presence for what seems like an eternity. No sounds, no signs, no smells, no nothing. This paucity of evidence along with my ever-present tendency to analyze and doubt has begun to erode my faith. Yesterday, I had an epiphany about why my grief seems so deep and why my life still feels so empty without my son. I think it’s a “mother thing.” When you carry a child for nine long months, their physical energy and yours is forever intertwined. When I lost Erik, physically, I lost part of my self physically as well. My pain feels like any other physical wound…a broken leg, a deep gash, a dagger to the heart. So along with the emotional and mental anguish, we mothers experience a physical pain as well. Here’s the first part of my channeling session with Erik through Kim O’Neill on May 13th.

Me: I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I just don’t understand why I haven’t been sensing your presence, Erik. Why have I not seen you in my dreams lately? Why have I not sensed you tangibly for a long time now? Are you just goofing off, doing too much snowboarding lately or is it me?

Kim: Let’s see what he has to say, because I know he said he was working on something for Mother’s Day. Oh, he’s right here!

Erik: Hi Mom! Hi Mom I’m right here. I talk to you all the time! I talk to you telepathically all the time. We’re having conversations daily. You talk to me every day, every single day, throughout the day. And I talk to you too. Mom, you keep asking me to speak to you and make it clear to you that it’s me. I hear that and speak right back to you, and I know you hear what I’m saying inside your head. I make suggestions and you do them and stuff, so I know you hear me. I guess the key is making you more aware that it’s really me. I think it’s that you’re mourning so much and you’re feeling so much loss that you’re afraid to trust that it’s really me. That’s what I think, Mom. By acknowledging me tangibly in the physical, you’re afraid that you’re giving me up in the physical, and that’s like you’re acknowledging 100 percent that I’ve departed and so we’ll have no more interaction here on Earth. That’s what I thought it was but I wasn’t sure, so I went and talked about it to Jesus. You know Pappa. He always says go to the person who knows! Don’t waste time with anyone else!

Kim, laughing: Elisa, I’m sure that your angels would love to hear that! Does that sound like Erik or what?

Erik: Anyway, Jesus says that it’s because when you accept that I’m in spirit, you’re acknowledging that I’m gone from the physical plane.

Kim: Erik, that kind of surprises me, because your mom is so courageous; she’s so strong. Mom accepts things as the way they are. She isn’t given to flights of fancy.

Erik, shaking his head vigorously: No, no, no, Kim. You don’t get it. This was different. This was losing me. And I know that I was always Mom’s favorite. (He says this chuckling.)

Erik: Mom, once you decide to surrender and accept that this is me talking to you, not one of your angels, but me, then the communication is gonna be effortless.

Me: Yeah, but part of me is wondering what if it’s all not true? What if your soul has just turned into some field of information? What if you just dissipated into thermal energy? Now that I have so much to lose by not believing, it’s much scarier.

Kim: Elisa, that is an excellent point. It would be like you lost him twice.

Me: Yeah.

Erik, nodding vigorously: Okay you get it! You understand perfectly. This is what you need to tell other parents. It’s a choice whether you want to embrace me as a spirit with the same personality I’ve always had and to know that I’m around you and still alive. No one can make that choice but you, Mom.

Kim: He’s looking at me like he already knows what you’re going to do but he doesn’t want to be bossy.

Erik: Yeah, one bossy person in the family is enough, right, Mom?

Kim, laughing hard: He’s talking about Rune.

Me: That is soooo true. (My husband has a bit of a “I know best” attitude. Usually, he does.)

Me: Erik, when was the last time you came to me in any tangible way?

Kim: Oh, he’s got a bunch of information for you in that regard. He’s going to answer that right after he says this:

Erik: You’re going to get lots of proof that I have a personality, that I always did and that I’m alive , because I’m going to be giving you information that nobody else could possibly know. You’re going to know it’s me and not one of your guides. That’s going to prove to you that I’m still alive in spirit and not just some meaningless piece of ectoplasm that no longer has the ability to communicate. I’m going to give you lots of information all throughout this lifetime to let you know it’s me, not only because of what I tell you, but how I say it. You’ll know it’s me, Mom. You’re so familiar with my energy; who’s more familiar with my energy than my own mother? My little physical body has been inside of you! There’s going to come a time, Mom, when you are going to say, ‘Okay, I’m going to take the risk, and I’m going to believe that he is speaking to me.’ And Mom, you’re not going to be speaking through Kim anymore or any other channel. You’re going to be getting all of your own information which you are totally capable of doing. You’re going to be talking to me a blue streak every single day. You’re going to be leaning on me for support and encouragement and love in this mother-son connection, but you’ll also ask me for advice on a lot of other things, because I will keep maturing in spirit. I know you’re proud of me. I know you can see me for what and who I am. We’re going to be even closer than we were when I was on the physical plane.

Me: I don’t see how that could be possible. Okay, so when did you try to create a tangible presence with me last?

Erik: When you were with the baby, Arleen. I was talking to her, playing with her…Okay, this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to play with the dogs, and I’m going to play with Arleen so you can see that they’re communicating with someone that isn’t in the physical. I think that’s going to prove it to you, because I do speak with other members in the family, but they’re gonna feel sort of clueless like you do sometimes, Mom. But animals and babies can see us three dimensionally, and you’ll know that they’re not making things up or imagining things. You’ll know that. When you were playing with Arleen the other day, I was interacting with her so that you could see, but you weren’t picking up on that.

Kim: Erik, here’s a question: and we understand that you only have so much energy, and you’re working on building your energy so that you can communicate more tangibly with your mom in regards to materializing, but what’s going on with you right now in regards to how tangible you’re being?

Erik, sarcastically: Um, I think I just told you! That’s what I’m doing.

Kim: Can you say to Mom…He’s looking at me (chuckle.) Obviously I’m micromanaging here. He’s standing and he’s got one leg out bent at the knee and he’s crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow like, “Hellooooo, don’t you think I’ve thought about this? Hellooooo.”

Erik: This is what I’m going to do. Around the dogs and around Arleen, I’m going to say, “Now, Mom, now!” Then watch as I interact with them. It’s gonna be obvious to you that they are interacting with someone not in the physical. You’ll just know it’s me. I think it’s going to take more courage for you to believe and surrender to the faith that I am with you now, it’s gonna be harder than when you found me dead.

Me: Yeah, that was pretty hard.

Erik: Because you’re afraid of losing me twice. If you lose faith in my spiritual existence, it’ll be like my second death. I’m also going to try to make myself more tangible visually when things are quiet. It’s really hard to do when it’s not quiet.

Anyone familiar with my chaotic, boisterous family environment understands that Erik has a tall order on his hands. I guess I’m going to have to seek out those quiet moments and savor them instead of dreading the dark thoughts and memories that creep in and take over. This will take practice and perseverance, all worthwhile considering what I have to gain.